These days, I wish there was some way to reach me.

It is the ultimate irony. She was more loving this past weekend than at any time I can remember. But I am now unmoved by her gestures. Too little too late. I have become so messed up inside my head that even though I can intellectually see that her actions are intended to be loving, and that I would have felt loved if she had done then earlier, I don't feel loved now.

Before the reunion, she asked why I was going. I think she feared that I was hoping to reconnect with an old flame. I told her (truthfully) that there were no old flames to rekindle. I never dated anyone from my high school class. I only dated 2 or 3 girls, all very briefly. A couple who went to different schools. And then a sophomore when I was a senior. So there were no "rivals" at the reunion. She was surprised. I guess she never realized how alone I was during high school. When I said I did not date during high school, she didn't realize I meant I LITERALLY never dated any of my classmates.

She seemed to be very compassionate when I admitted that it felt good, in a wierd way, to see that I really did not have any close friends in high school. That it meant I wasn't totally psychotic. That the isolation and alienation I felt at the time were at least partly real.

She expressed worry that our son is the same way. Many acquaintances but no close friends. She is worried that he will end up like me. I told her not to worry. He often gets invited to parties, and goes. He has gone to more parties in the first 3 months of freshman year than I did all 4 years of high school combined. Very different. She felt reassured about S15. And worse for me.

Obviously her reaching out to stroke me and have sex with me yesterday were meant to be healing. Not totally her fault that I have twisted myself to the point that even sex with her is now a negative experience. That I cannot perform even with pharmacological assistance.

The scariest part is that I don't even feel suicidal. There was a time when ED would have made me anxious and despondent. Now I am just numb. I failed. So what. What else is new? BTDT. I don't need to kill myself to make the pain stop. I already don't feel anything.

Except tremendous rage at myself for throwing my life away. But I figure that dedicating myself to continued failure is appropriate punishment for that.