Hold, I want to recommend to you a book.

I don't remember the author, but it's called "I know I'm in there somewhere".

I read it, and it's been really helping me to deal with my anger. It isn't enough just to say in your head "fyb" and to KNOW that you are angry.

Your anger has to have a place. Otherwise, all you are doing is holding back the dam. Sure, you know there is anger behind the dam, and some of it spills over on you--but the energy it takes to hold that dam back can prevent you from having any other emotion.

I would venture that you have anger not just towards your wife, but towards your parents and other situations in your life. It's a lot easier to say "Oh I'm JUST angry at myself and my wife", while holding up the dam.

That isn't enough. You have to let it out. You have to let it have a voice... I don't mean unleashing it on your wife. I mean, letting it have a voice within YOU. Letting it teach you about yourself and your needs...

In any case, the book is really good--it isn't just about anger. It's kind of about finding yourself. It was very helpful for me, and I am still doing some of the things I learned about in there.