Originally Posted By: jayne241
Can you please teach me to be externally pleasant (even sometimes) in spite of a similar mantra?


No, and I don't think it would be a good idea to do it even if I could.

I can behave this way because I am sufficiently broken. Have sufficiently low self-esteem. Sufficiently little pride. That I am willing simply to TAKE IT. Even when I know I shouldn't. I can be pleasant because I do not respect myself enough to act upon my anger.

I don't think you want me to teach you how to be this way.

Originally Posted By: Soolee
is there any chance that you misunderstood the counselor or took it upon yourself to twist the advice a bit? Did the counselor say to withhold angry outbursts, or withhold anger altogether?


No, was fairly clear. Message was "we cannot work on her sexual rejection until you stop expressing so much anger." Nothing along the lines of "it is understandable that you may BE angry but you need to learn to express that anger in a more productive manner". None of the MCs turned to Mrs. Hold and said anything like "I know it hurts to have Hold express such anger toward you, but can you understand how much it hurts him when you reject him sexually? Can you understand how hard it is for him to control his anger in the face of continual rejection?" I got the message loud and clear. Do not overtly express any anger toward your wife if you hope to ever have sex again. Back then, I did hope for more sex. So I stopped expressing anger. I didn't stop FEELING the anger. I just stopped expressing it.

Well, except for the one session where the sex therapist asked me if I should rethink my goals in life and stop aiming for sex as an objective. I told her it is my life and I get to pick what I want and what I aim for and what I want is more sex. Her job was to help me get it. If she was not comfortable helping me to have a better sex life with my wife (she was, after all, a licensed AASECT sex therapist), then we were done.

Telly
Thanks for the book suggestion. Sounds like something I should look into.

CN
Thanks for checking in. I think you understand me very well. I am quite good at enduring my self-imposed abuse.


When you can see it coming, duck!