Nice weekend. Services Friday and Sunday and bingo at the synagogue Saturday night. Mrs. Hold said "they like you there". I asked how she could tell. She said "body language and facial expression when they are near you". I thanked her for sharing since I am not confident in my "reads" of people.

I called several guys to help with a "men club" project next weekend. I was proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone to make the "ask" of guys I am not close to.

I had a chart with Mrs. Hold and am trying to feel good about some good things happening at work. Trying to fight my depression pessimism and negativity.

Sunday night we heard a radio advertisement about "adult" gifts. I told her it hurt me to hear the ad since that stuff is not part of our life. I said my head is messed up and I am not prepared to deal with our sex life but it hurts that it is unsatisfying. She got angry and said "but I tried so hard to make the last time good for you". I replied "yes, it was. I liked how you stroked me all over my body. I liked the way you were caring and not cruel about my performance. But I feel we still have issues to resolve." We sat in silence the rest of the car ride.

This morning I did some more drive by honesty: "it hurts me that after all these years you seem prepared to deal with the sex issue now, and I am no longer able to do so." Then walked away.

I am angry with myself for being such a mess and not able to get out of my own way. But I am trying not to let it get me even more depressed.

When you can see it coming, duck!