Originally Posted by LovingAnyway
I wonder when you'll release yourself from creating and maintaining your self-hatred...

I too wonder.

What's yours, Hold? What's your purpose on this earth? What were you made to do? To self-hate?

Seems to be. I have been this way as far back as I can remember. Certainly back to kindergarten.

Does your self-image appear to be self-hating to others? Strangers? Acquaintances? your children? Your spouse?

Interesting. Yes, it certainly does to Mrs. Hold. She sees the self-hating me. The real me. My parents? I think they try to avoid seeing it because it pains them. My kids? Not clear if they allow themselves to admit what they see. Everyone else? Probably does not occur to them that I am so self-hating but it would explain various inconsistencies if someone suggested it to them.

What was your traumatic past which makes it difficult for you to love yourself in the way you desire?

No idea. I have been this way as far back as I am conscious. Certainly it was deeply ingrained by age 5. Whether genetics or life experience, no way for me to say. Probably a large helping of both. Genetic predisposition plus nurture in a shame-based culture.

As for the other comments, you guys are correct that this is my choice. My decision to stay married. My decision not to have firmer boundaries. My decision not to Plan B. I am getting what I signed up for.

When you can see it coming, duck!