She has done the hand, mouth etc. She's not averse to that. It's the trouble to do it, I think, that gets to her. Mel had said she might love me, but not in love with me. I know what she means, and honestly if how much I've put in she still feels that way she can find someone who she will be in love with. She knows how much I've changed for our M, and acknowledges the pain she's caused, but she is so so reactionary. We'll SF and then she slides b/c she thinks I should be happy for x amount of days or something. I appreciate the effort, but I want my confidence back. Truly if I had what I had for the first 5 years of our M confidence wise, I could handle rejection again, but not at this point.

The writing it down is a fantastic idea and we did it, she scribbled fast and furious and in anger. She said, "Do you want me to write it down?" I called her bluff and said yes. She wigged out and scribbled in huge writing. I threw it away b/c she was so angry when she did it and I felt bad for calling her bluff. I think if we sat down and we talked and wrote it down in love, I could accept it. The only problem is now I'll have back up and she will hate it with the demons of hell if I pulled it out, so I'll ponder that some more thanks.

Yeah, it was tough and very odd. I don't have that puking feeling anymore when I think about it. Vomit would just come, never had such weird feelings before and worked very very hard at putting it out of my head, so don't make me vomit with the, "she probably did it with other men." It was one OM, and it torments her if those years are brought up, and she has never disclosed. I'm ok, just want a great M, not an average normal one. I don't strive for normal.