I know I am DJing her by predicting how she will react. In large part, I am predicting that if I placed my unhappiness squarely in front of her on a continual basis she would divorce me rather than work on the issues between us. I understand that it is possible she would react differently today than she did during 8 years of marriage counselling. But I am not willing to risk my time with my kids on that chance.

She knows how it has affected my self esteem. When we were talking with friends on New Year's Day she said "that is how the rejection affects you and your self esteem, it does not affect all men that way". She knows. She holds it against me. Thinks less of me for it. She does not react with compassion. She reacts with disdain.

I understand why. Understanding why does not make it hurt any less.

When you can see it coming, duck!