Yes, exactly. The old is comfortable. The new is terrifying.

The problem is not in my lack of specifics. It is in our not being able to agree on specifics that allow both of us to be enthusiastic.

In years past we tried to brainstorm ideas so we could reach a POJA that was win-win. We pretty much never succeeded. At this point, the process is excruciating. We never get to win-win. And we are both exhausted from brainstorming. I don't want to have to work that hard. There has never been enough payoff to make the effort worthwhile.

Whereas the payoff from nursing my resentment is enormous.

At this point, when we attempt to POJA, it only leaves us feeling even more resentful that the other person has such different values and is so inflexible. It does not build loving feelings. It just fuels the bitterness. I'd rather spend the time playing video games. She'd rather watch tv. When the kids are grown, we can end the charade.