MRS.W We are nt in a affair!I am not the OM!!!!!!!! When I met my fiance her ex husband had already moved out of the marital home and had filed for divorce. In a matter of days she and his kids was getting evicted from there home and had to move into the city projects. I do agree that the timing was nt good but I in NO way had anything to do with their divorce. YOU ask if it was ok for you or your OM to come here and save your affair,answer is no .I ask this of you .Is it ok to break your vows and to still act like your married just because mans law says your married,when in gods law you broke your vows of marriage!The web site says this is a marriage builders site and even has a section for dating, divorce as well as others.For many on this site it is black and white because it is mans law or gods law whichever fits them at the time and the ones that see it as a grey area are pushed(forced)of the site by others or a select few. I have been married 1 time and divorced once,we will be married and I plan on it to be forever as I Wont be one that married 3-5 times like some on this site. I am just trying to learn to be a good spouse before the paper(mans law) and when we get married(gods law).Also she has told her ex sorry for the way she treated him when they was married and after the divorce. I am sorry if this thread bothers you as we are different because she never had a OMin her narriage.

I was divorced 4 five yrs. she was seperating from exh and going out w friends as well as starting to date others

when she got her DWI about 2 weeks ago she called her exh to pick her up from jail,he said to her it was time to come home

Beanie your post was really helpfull since you are sush a Vet to the forums!

Mel can you give me some info were I can find what Dr.Harley recommends for people thay are nt married yet?

oneoftwo:

I've read through your original question and the responses you've received, and almost to a responder, they are warning you about what happens to relationship that originated as an affair. I have counseled hundreds of these couples and am presently counseling couples that married after an affair, and I can tell you from first-hand experience, and their own unsolicited comments, that if they had put the same effort into their marriages, they would be happily married to their original spouses today.

While it's true that there are happy marriages that start as affairs, they are in the minority. Only about 5% of all affairs end in marriage, and only about 1/3 of those marriages survive the first five years. You probably have one chance in 100 of turning this marriage into a successful relationship, and you're off to a terrible start in spite of your love and commitment.

I have a theory about why marriage after an affair is so unsuccessful, but the fact that they're unsuccessful is well documented. My main contention is that for whatever reasons, those who have affairs tend not to follow one of my cardinal principles for marriage: The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). They tend to do what they please without considering each other's feelings. While that may not apply to both members of the relationship, it almost always applies to at least one of them. Your friend's affair with another man in the beginning your your relationship is evidence that she's not thinking about your interests.

I try very hard to keep these marriages together, in spite of the fact that there is such a low probability of success. If I thought I would fail, I wouldn't be wasting my time. And yet, I have had very little success. I keep thinking that I will eventually find a way to succeed.

There are so many obsticles to overcome. In addition to failure to follow the POJA, there is also a marked failure to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They tend to be incredibly dishonest, in spite of the fact that they start out thinking they can look right into each other's very souls.

But there is one other issue that is terribly relevant to your situation: Blended families. I read a research report recently that claimed that only 15% of all marriages with children from another relationship survive for 25 years (on average about 50% of all marriages survive for 25 years). Again, from my perspective, the culprit is failure to follow the POJA. Instead of making joint decisions regarding the children, unilateral decisions are made. This ultimately leads to fights and constant turmoil. After the children are grown, however, the conflict does not end. In many cases, advantages continue to be given to children by the natural parent at the expense of the step-parent.

I'm sure that your counselor has been encouraging your wife to negotiate with you so that you can reach a joint agreements regarding her children, but to no avail. And I've experienced the same thing. In spite of a blended family couple's willingness to follow the POJA when I talk to them, when it comes to a decision that will affect the welfare of their children, the commitment is broken.

The advice you have been receiving on the Forum focuses attention on your affair. I've written quite a bit on that topic, and many of the responders have read it. In general, I warn people to avoid an affair because if the very same problems you are facing. And if a vast amount of research and my own professional experience can be trusted, it happens to 99% of those who try to make an affair last.

While it's very unlikely that you will follow my advice because you're in love with "Jane," leaving this relationship, and restoring your relationship with your first wife is the wisest choice. But if you want to know how you can be the 1% that thrives in spite of the obsticles you face, my advice is that you both learn to follow the POJA with every decision you make, including those with the children. If those decisions are made with mutual care, you may be able to figure out how to make the rest of your relationship work.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Her ex told us one time that he new that they would be divorced, that there wasnt nothing there for them together andit was just a matter of time! He told here that he holds no anger for her. Again I am not trying to justify but I know that he was moved into his appartment and filling before we dated again not the best circumstances. I would do things different now but didnt know what I know now then.