I hear ya, Hold.
Last night, I was at our MC (H and I go separately--how's that for progress? not) and she gets so frustrated. She goes, "All H wants from you is that you be nicer."
I said, "When I'm nice, it makes H happy, but he continues to make me miserable. That makes me a sucker. He has already said he refuses to do the three things I need to feel safe in the M, (transparency, sharing in decisionmaking, sharing in finances). They're pretty simple, but he categorically refuses to budge."
I know your situation is SF, but it seems like whatever the deal breaker is--so be it. If there will be no compromise, then there will be no recovery.

Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"