Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 37 of 91 1 2 35 36 37 38 39 90 91
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Originally Posted By: canwemakeit
are you proud of the man you are today?


No.

Originally Posted By: canwemakeit
Could you die tomorrow, with pride in having done the best with the gifts you were given?


No, I have squandered my gifts. Still, I don't fear death. Death would be a welcome relief. I fear living much more.

Originally Posted By: canwemakeit
And...do you know that your life is not yet over?


It is over. I have had all the kids I intend to have. I will never be "married happily ever after" to their mother. I have to choose between happiness and keeping my family together. My life is over either way.

It may be that your H could achieve "win-win". Perhaps he is capable of becoming the man you want him to be. And perhaps at that point you would enthusiastically meet his needs.

My wife has made it clear that she is unable to meet my needs no matter how I behave. I tried to meet her needs regardless. Eventually I felt like a wimpy doormat for behaving that way. So now I am more selfish. Not proud of that. But wouldn't be proud to continue being a doormat either. The only choice I would be proud of would be to leave. And that choice terrifies me. No, no pride here.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 3,614
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 3,614
Oh Hold.

You are having a bad day, aren't you?

(I know, bad day, week, year, decade, etc...)

I'm sorry.

It's not fair... is it?

Not fair to want and to long and to desire and to ache... and to be rejected... again.

Last night, my husband got back from a 3 day trip. Kids and I were sick recovering from teh stomach flu. He wouldn't touch the tv clicker after me because he didn't want to get sick.

I know it's silly, but it hurt me. I told him, "You don't touch me, and I'm longing to be touched. Now you won't even touch the things that I touch. You may have a good reason, but it still hurts me."

I understand your pain, and I'm so very sorry for it. You deserve more. You convince yourself that you are a terrible person so you can try and believe that you do NOT deserve more.

I don' tknow why that falsely comforts us, but it is FALSE comfort.


Me 42
H 46
Married 12 years
Two children D9 and D4 !
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Hold, I just read your last post and I wanna say something really quick - if I'm over-reacting, forgive me but after this past couple of weeks...

No matter how much you are hurting, you owe it to your kids to keep breathing. Ok? Just making sure that certain things are definitely not an option.

ETA - that sounds harsh. I don't mean it harsh. Just that my kids are waiting for me to read to them so I gotta hurry... Telly is saying comforting stuff, ITA. I'd offer *hugs* if that's ok between members of the opposite sex here... not sure... I'll be back later.

Last edited by jayne241; 02/02/10 11:07 PM.

me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Good morning hold.

Reading back over yesterday's posts, I see you were mostly just answering questions; you didn't initiate the talk about your life being over. So I prolly was reading more into what you said than was intended. It still doesn't hurt to say, your life is NOT over! If nothing else, your kids still need you. You don't want to leave them alone with your wife, do you? *nudge*

Plus you have been reaching out, making new friends at your synagogue, right? And as your kids get older you can look forward to engaging with them in new ways, as they grow into adults and you can advise them on choices about college, dating, marriage... and then there's grandkids!

(I'm reminded of "That 70s Show" when Mrs. Foreman was feeling depressed over realizing she wouldn't ever have another baby... then Mr. Foreman mentioned grandkids. She beamed, and said "Grandkids! I forgot about grandkids!!!")

I'm sure you can think of other things to look forward to as well... if you wanted to.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Jayne and Telly, thanks for your concern. And Jayne, don't worry about me ending things. I don't have the guts. Plus, that would free Mrs. Hold to find another guy, who would then move in with her and D12 (13 on Saturday). That is the LAST thing I want. So unless God calls me before then, I can't do anything to myself until September 2015 at the earliest.

It has been 5 years since I "gave up" on our marriage. Only 5 years left until the kids are gone. I can handle that. Heck, it is 17.5 years of unhappy marriage and 12.5 since I started complaining seriously. Endure 5 more? Piece of cake.

Wow, just read what you wrote in vj's thread. So sorry to hear about all the negative events in your life recently. Please accept my sincere condolences.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,549
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,549
I hear ya, Hold.
Last night, I was at our MC (H and I go separately--how's that for progress? not) and she gets so frustrated. She goes, "All H wants from you is that you be nicer."
I said, "When I'm nice, it makes H happy, but he continues to make me miserable. That makes me a sucker. He has already said he refuses to do the three things I need to feel safe in the M, (transparency, sharing in decisionmaking, sharing in finances). They're pretty simple, but he categorically refuses to budge."
I know your situation is SF, but it seems like whatever the deal breaker is--so be it. If there will be no compromise, then there will be no recovery.


Me:BW, FWH 1DD 1DS
Status: Chronicled in Dr. Suess's "The Zax"
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
Hold...if I'm out of line, please forgive me.

Have you ever done any reading about emotional pain addiction?

No offense intended.


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Soolee:

I see nothing "out of line" with offering a suggestion or a line of research that I may not be aware of. You are just trying to help. Heck, even CWMI's suggestion to get my head out of my colon was meant to help. wink

Never heard of emotional pain addiction. But I have all the behavioral characteristics of an addict, so maybe that fits me.

Care to suggest resources?


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
Okay. For a while now I've wondered if you fit this sort of profile, but I was concerned about judging or labeling you because that isn't what I want to do. However, as I was reading this particular site (not sure how reliable it is, so please keep that in mind) I sort of thought of you. Maybe you can read it and just see what you think.

About emotional pain addiction...

Again...it's just for your knowledge, k? I'm not presuming to diagnose you or anything idiotic like that.


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Soolee, thank you for the link. That certainly sounds like me!


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 5,234
Or not...(shrug)

It could be something to discuss with an IC if you choose that route again at some point in the future.

Hang in there...


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Tomorrow is D12's birthday. Parents are flying up from FL. Sis and BIL are driving up for dinner tonight from NYC. D12 is having some friends sleep over tomorrow night and Mrs. Hold is making dinner. Should be a nice weekend.

In prior years I would be stressed because so many visitors means no sex over the weekend. Today I am not upset over the prospect of no sex. More upset that I won't have any time to play video games. Not sure if that is progress or numbness.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Had a great time with the family over the weekend. Went to a "just guys" Super Bowl party last night with S15. Spent a few minutes watching tv with Mrs. Hold last night. She squeezed my ear, which is her way of displaying affection that I have learned to enjoy despite it being physically unpleasant at times. Nice weekend despite the lack of sex.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Last night we watched The Bachelor. It was the home visit episode. He meets the families of the last 4 women. I am amazed by the Dads. One Dad gave his blessing for them to get married. I was incredulous. This guy is dating 4 women and he wants the Dad to bless him? I guess I can respect his "player" skills but bless him for marrying my daughter?!?! If he asked me, I would say "come back 6 months after the show is over and tell me you still love her and we'll see".

I spent the hour lying on Mrs. Hold's thigh. She rubbed my ear. We are getting along very well. The only issue between us these days is sex. I am surprised how much hatred I continue to feel toward her over this issue. I have finally gotten used to the lack of sex. Accepted it. Last night I told her to get off the pill because we don't need them any more. We'll just stop having sex entirely. It is hardly a change from where we are now. She said she would talk to her doctor. I do not feel anger over the prospect of no sex. But I feel tremendous anger over the lack of sex in the past. Wierd.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,518
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 1,518
Getting off the pill might make a sea change in her libido.

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 193
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 193
Originally Posted By: Retread
Getting off the pill might make a sea change in her libido.


Cue to begin singing "Isn't It Ironic?" in soft plaintive tones . . . .

TEEF

Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
Originally Posted By: Nanowritersix
Cue to begin singing "Isn't It Ironic?" in soft plaintive tones . . . .


Yes, it would be. If she starts coming on to me for sex, and I turn her down to play PS3, now THAT would be ironic. Sad. But ironic.

Seriously though, teenage boy across the street has a brain tumor. Neighbor little girl has been taken to the hospital twice this week with seizures. It is counting blessings time. We are very blessed. Lack of sex should be the worst thing that happens to us.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
H
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2002
Posts: 9,836
From CWMI's thread.

Originally Posted By: LovingAnyway
Leave it to you, Hold, to have married a smart lady.


You probably meant that as a compliment.

My uncle always says any man worth his salt wants a high maintenance woman for a wife. I always figured that meant I am not worth my salt, because I regret not having married a more compliant partner.


When you can see it coming, duck!
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
I did...to both of you. However, my statement lost it's context being moved over here.

:::grumbling:::

I never did understand the "worth his salt"...do you know the origin? I ask because I'm not a guy, either. And I believe you're both well-matched in the challenge department. But then, I believe we all are. God does not bring us to what he won't bring us through. All working together for good.

LA

Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 688
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2009
Posts: 688
AMEN LA!

As much of an A$$ as I've been over the last year to my poor W, I have to count my blessings... kids are highly intelligent (not from me!), athletic and well liked by other kids AND their parents. We are all healthy and although the economy has thrown in a few wrenches, it hasn't stopped the motor!

God is good.

Page 37 of 91 1 2 35 36 37 38 39 90 91

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 29 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,549
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5