I frequently feel down. It doesn't take anything to trigger them. I would say it more accurate to say that my set point is to feel down and that it requires an event for me to perk up.

I do need to change. In many ways. Get back to working out. Just not with Mrs. Hold. I still do not feel safe with her. My issue. And I do not trust myself to handle it. Also my issue.

She seems very happy lately. I am fighting against feeling like a doormat again. I have to keep myself focused on the needs she is meeting. And on the work I have to do within myself. And on the time frame within which change can reasonably be expected to occur. And not focus on the one need she is not meeting.

This all goes back to my not foregiving her. Or myself. I am not happy that she is happy. I am not satisfied that she is meeting some of my needs. I am not satisfied that I have taken steps to improve my life.

I am self sabotaging. And I don't know how to stop. I watch myself doing it on a daily basis. I wake up every day and tell myself today is a new day and I can make different choices. And then I don't. I hate myself so much. And I don't know how to stop that either.

Same old same old. Since I got here in 2002. Since I started therapy in 1978. It is getting VERY tiresome. But still I refuse to change.