You should question a lot of things, Hold.

It is much easier to hate yourself and stay mired down in the muck of what a loser you are... to be dark and depressed... than it is to untangle the mess and deal with the anger than is most likely seething within you.

Some part of you, deep down inside, (in places "you don't talk about at parties"), some little tiny part KNOWS that you do not deserve to be treated like sh*t. By your family, by your wife, by people at work, by ANYONE.

But if you listen to that part, if you choose to live differently, than your feelings become scary.

They aren't scary now. They are dark and dismal and hard, and wearying, and FAMILIAR.

Anger is scary. Terrifying in fact, if you have never gotten to the other side of it.

So much easier to hate yourself for your wife's rejection, then to deal with your life.

But here's the secret that you don't know, because you've never known it to be much different:

It CAN be different. YOU can be different, without a lobotomy, and without ECT.

If you aren't willing to do intensive therapy, would you be willing to see a LIFE COACH? Someone who will work with you on taking some ACTION with your life? Versus just rehashing all the problems that you have and leaving you there?

I'm sorry I'm mad about this today. I just feel like you're a kid sitting at a picnic. The sun is shining and flowers are growing, and you're wrapped up in a big, dark, itchy blanket, and you keep making a cave out of it. You're saying "I'd be happy if someone would just come in here with me and touch me". But even when someone DOES touch you, you only take the cover off the top of your head for a few minutes. You refuse to come out and cast the blanket off and really play. Then, on the very rare occasions when you have played, you carry the blanket with you, and it makes you hot and sweaty, and sometimes you trip over it because it's so long and awkward and heavy.

No one can pull it off you, you are holding on to it for dear life. Usually you just sit in it hating yourself, thinking mean things, longing to be rescued.

From one blanket dweller to another... GET UP, GET OUT, and GET BUSY PLAYING IN THE SUNSHINE.

You only have one ONE life, my friend. Make the most of it! Find ways to make the most of it.

(Would you consider a life coach?)

Me 42
H 46
Married 12 years
Two children D9 and D4 !