CFIO:

I took various anti-depressants over a period of about 14 years. Never made the depression go away. Suffered side effects (sexual, weight gain). So I stopped the ADs. But I am in a deep hole these days, so maybe I should go back on.

You are correct that I am sabotaging in the not-so-subconscious hope that crashing will cause things to end.

You are correct that the dog is intended to be a "pill". I am happy to have the pill. I am not willing to do the work to really heal.

Last night, Mrs. Hold went berzerk about me and D13 talking about the dog. There won't be a dog until after D13 sees the allegist again in May. Mrs. Hold yelled "what about my trip? Why are you researching dogs and not researching my trip?" Remember, I promised to take her and the kids on a trip if she made her goal weight at WW. She has lost 10 - 15 pounds since then so it worked as motivation. She has only a few pounds to go, and she is very excited about the upcoming vacation.

Now of course we are fighting about cost. I never told her how much I was willing to spend (I know, stupid of me). So she is looking for 13 day tours that are hugely expensive. Everything I suggest is, as usual, viewed as a cheap pile of crap. "What, you expect me to endure the indignity of an inside cabin on the cruise ship? What kind of woman do you think I am?" I don't know what I was thinking.