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Hey Gurka!
Hopefully the DVD's will arrive in time for her birthday...
You did great with your phone call!!! It sounds like the investigation is over and as I suspected, she most likely got off with a letter of reprimand... Remember, unless there is an admission by the accused, or pictures documenting "the act", Adultery is very hard to prove.
I agree with V and the others, she's just lashing out at you because in her mind, she has to continue to make you out to be the bad guy in order for her to justfy her past actions, and her current actions to divorce you. It certainly appears that she is very conflicted because she keeps asking you "why are you doing this?" (fighting for the marriage)... I take this as a good sign that she's slowly coming out from the pull of the OM.
As for her "I'm scared of you..." comments, she's justifying her actions again. I know that you know this, but you need to be very careful with what you say and write to her... stay consistent with what you've been saying and you won' have any problems... However, if you loose your temper (and I wouldn't blame you one bit if you did!) expect her to use this against you... That is another reason that I think that its good that you are away from her right now.
Semper Fi,
RIF
Last edited by RIF; 05/13/10 04:07 AM.
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The laptop should be to her parents house today. I sent her mom a quick message on facebook letting her know to expect it, explaining the delay, and giving her the tracking number for it (it requires a signature.) Hopefully she can see that I'm not some crazy person.
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Hopefully she can see that I'm not some crazy person. I'm sure that she can! Have you told your MIL anything regarding your W's affair? It might be a good idea to send her YOUR side of the story before you W arrives for the wedding... I'm sure that you W will have all sorts of new stories about how you've been stalking her and so forth... If your MIL doesn't know the full truth, then think it would be good for her to hear it from you. If you do e-mail your MIL, I would stick with your goal of "doing whatever it takes to save the marriage"... and then ask for you MIL's help... Semper Fi, RIF
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Yeah, I wrote to her during the exposure tsunami. I never heard back though. My message then was that my wife was having an affair with a married father of 3, and that I was interested in saving my marriage.
I think my wife is playing up the "I'm scared of him" aspect and her mom is naturally buying it. When I send her a congratulations note for her other daughter's wedding I'll ask for her help again.
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Gerka,
You are doing very well! The only addition I would make to the advice is that you should order yourself a digital voice recorder. Your wife appears to be becoming a prime candidate for false accusations to the police about abuse. You should eventually start clandestinely recording your conversations to deal with that contingency.
Otherwise, keep up the good work.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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I wonder if she'd be in a better position if you had signed the D papers? W/ the investigation/outcome?
Seems odd that she'd call you so urgently...so many times, and push the issue of you signing those papers if she didn't think there was an urgent need for you to.
Gerk, Good job w/ the phone call.
Her comments about being scared of you is about how "unpredictable" you've become to her since you exposed her A. Up until THAT moment, she didn't think you had the guts to do it. She didn't think you were half the man you are! And yeah, it scares her. But, not in the melodramatic way she suggested, (Are you going to kill me, BS). Just in the sense that she never expected you to expose the A. In her head, she's still in HS, where if a girl meets a guy she likes better than her current BF, he's supposed to just accept it and back away gracefully.
No matter what happens in your M, Gerk, I want you to be assured that you did the RIGHT thing by exposure. There are moments that call for a man to use his strength...find his power, and affairs are one of them.
Your W has to accept the fact that she married a man who isn't afraid to be who he is or fight for the things that are important to him. Evidently, she did not know that about you.
If she pulls her head out of her butt, she'll realize how attractive those qualities are.
Give her time.
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If there was no benefit to her case if you signed those D papers, then she was just trying to get a handle on what you are thinking.
Maybe in the next email you should say those things that was suggested earlier on by I think it was Ouch. The one that reiterated why you did what you did, how you knew how it would be received by her, but felt she left you no choice...
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Tell her
"The only thing I have done, is lived my life and my marriage in the light. It is what I require from my wife and a fellow officer. Nothing that has been reported or conveyed along the chain of command is done out of spite, but with a deep disappointment and sorrow. I initially tried to reconcile our relationship with love and understanding. But your failure to break off your affair with xxxxx left me no alternative but to act in any way possible that coincides with both the vows that I made you and the vows I made to my country. I am sorry if the path that you left me creates a larger gulf between us. But I was left no choice. I love you and hope that when this situation is resolved that we can focus on reconciling our marriage. As always, I am here for you and will love and support you in any way I can."
Just a thought. Found it! It was Ouch!
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Ok, she called me repeatedly this morning, eventually I tried to call her back, got her voicemail, just left a short message, "I got your email and your missed calls, just calling to see what's up. I've got to get back inside now, so take care."
She called me back before I could get back inside the building. She said she just wanted to know "how much crazy you're going to put me through." I asked what she meant, she said, "are you going to sign the waiver or not?" I responded with "I'm not interested in a divorce, I'm interested in saving our marriage." She raised her voice, and it warbled and she said "You've threatened every part of my life, our marriage is over. And my lawyer is telling me to sue you for false accusations against an officer! I don't want to, but if you keep making this hard I think I will" I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I've just been doing what I can to save our marriage." She asked, "You're acting crazy, sending me messages like everything is ok." I replied with, "I'm just trying to be the best husband I can be." She replied, "You're doing a terrible job then!" She then moved on to, "I will have you served in August, and I will be divorced by November and you can't do anything about it. If you come near me I will call the police." I replied with, "I understand you're angry, but I'm interested in saving our marriage." She said, "So are you going to destroy all my stuff? Are you going to come and try to kill me?" I replied, "Of course not." She then said, "Don't try to come to Arizona and see me." I replied, "I wouldn't come uninvited." She said, "So what's your plan to win me back, how are you going to make that happen?" I replied, "All I can do is be the best person I can." Then she said, "Well, you're just making this harder for me, since I'll have to deal with the divorce while I'm in class. And your little plan didn't work. Nice try though." Then the call dropped (unreliable international calls.) It sounds to me like your WW is really jumbled in the head right now. I believe she has actually convinced herself that you did make false accusations against her and that you are so angry you want to hurt her. That is the justification she is currently using to rationalize her current behavior. IF there is NC w/ OM, her head will eventually clear. If the fog clears she will realize by your actions that you are safe. The fact that you have remained calm on the phone and in the emails will convince her you are safe and that she can talk to you some more. Remember, less than 3 weeks ago, she was going to block you from her email. Now she is initiating phone conversations. I see the contact continuing to escalate. Did you notice she also made an excuse as to why she might not file for D immediately when you get back? She doesn't want to deal with it during class. I suspect that when you get back, she'll say something like, "Don't get your hopes up by me not filing right now. I just don't have time with it now with class. I'll file once class is done." Overall, you did great, and I can see the progress. The ONE thing that concerns me is her last statement. "And your little plan didn't work. Nice try though." I may be reading too much into it, but it seems to me that she may be flaunting she is still on contact w/ OM. There isn't much more you can do at this point. However, now that it is exposed, it will die a quicker death as a result. Even if OM is still in contact w/ OM, he's probably not going to commit the time and effort required to sneak around make the relationship work with the consequences swirling overhead. Eventually, he won't be giving her what she needs, and he won't be getting what he needs (sex, admiration) either, and they will lose touch.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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Tell her
"The only thing I have done, is lived my life and my marriage in the light. It is what I require from my wife and a fellow officer. Nothing that has been reported or conveyed along the chain of command is done out of spite, but with a deep disappointment and sorrow. I initially tried to reconcile our relationship with love and understanding. But your failure to break off your affair with xxxxx left me no alternative but to act in any way possible that coincides with both the vows that I made you and the vows I made to my country. I am sorry if the path that you left me creates a larger gulf between us. But I was left no choice. I love you and hope that when this situation is resolved that we can focus on reconciling our marriage. As always, I am here for you and will love and support you in any way I can."
Just a thought. Found it! It was Ouch! Too soon. Let her bring it up again in the future, and maybe then it will be the right time to bust this out.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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I think if she were still in contact w/ OM, she would have said something snide about Gerk's last contact w/ OMW. She wouldn't have missed the opportunity to get a dig in about that.
I don't think she knows a thing about it, b/c she hasn't talked to OM.
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I think if she were still in contact w/ OM, she would have said something snide about Gerk's last contact w/ OMW. She wouldn't have missed the opportunity to get a dig in about that.
I don't think she knows a thing about it, b/c she hasn't talked to OM. But she WANTS too. And she knows she can't, because she keeps getting busted. The investigation may have had a result. She may have gotten a letter of reprimand, or a case closed. Its unfortunate that you can't get a copy of it, as you are the victim here. Or, she may be making a reach, since she has been spoken too, and the investigation has moved on, that she isn't in trouble, because they haven't blasted her yet. Those are the dreams of the delusional. She wanted the D waiver, or something from you indicating that you are OK with the divorce. So she could hand that to the investigators: "See, its over anyway, it not an affair, its "Just Friends" and the M has been over for a long time" And she isn't getting that from you. Great job on the phone. You let all the air out of her anger. How it was all your fault. Kinda hard for her to support that after that conversation. Save all your emails, and get the DVR to record the convos in the future. Send another email to OMW. I know she said not too. But just let her know that you are doing your best to reconcile your marriage, and remove WW from thiers. LG
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She wanted the D waiver, or something from you indicating that you are OK with the divorce. So she could hand that to the investigators: "See, its over anyway, it not an affair, its "Just Friends" and the M has been over for a long time" That's exactly what I was thinking. Since she was threatening to sue Gerk if he didn't sign them, I think the investigation is still on going.
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She's already filed for divorce, in case that wasn't clear. She simply threatened to have me served when I get back (which will be virtually impossible if I don't want it to happen, since I live on a military installation.)
So my next move is to just write another casual, chatty email on Saturday, with a post script saying, "I understand that you feel like giving up on our marriage, but I don't, and I'll continue to try to be the best husband I can be."
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She said she just wanted to know "how much crazy you're going to put me through." I asked what she meant, she said, "are you going to sign the waiver or not?"
