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I replied:
I didn't make it up, OMW gave it to me and said it was yours.

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She replied:
Ah yes, she's a nice lady, and she was helping to discredit u all along, since she doesn't appreciate u slandering her husband

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She also wrote:
And yeah, since u clearly don't nderstand when u are not wanted, my family will be good at making it clear to u if u try to approach them when u get back. They are not little pawns in this ridiculous game that u are turning our lives into

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I wrote back:
I haven't done anything wrong. I've just tried to be a good husband, and live up to my vows and commitment. Even in the midst of this impossible situation, I've taken the high road at every opportunity. I've made every endeavor to save our marriage, and continue to support you in every way I can. I've also tried to be a good son in law, as best I can. I'm not playing games and I never have. I'm fighting for our marriage, by myself at the moment. Go ahead and tell me how I'm a terrible person, all the horrible things I've done. I've been gracious, honest, kind, generous and forgiving. The fact is that telling people about an affair isn't in the same league as actually having an affair, and the lies that accompanied it. You need to face that reality and think about how YOU would have handled this situation if our roles were reversed, if I had had a 6 month affair during a 2 year marriage. You're still only thinking of yourself, how your "career" is impacted, and how you're really the victim in all of this. You have to learn to put the people you care about first, whether that's your husband, or your soldiers.

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Hey Gurka - I know it's hard, but I would try to not send anymore e-mails defending yourself... That's what she's looking for. She's trying to bait you into an argument.

Your "chatty" e-mail looks great! Stay on mssg here and don't worry about what she says regarding her family...

Semper Fi,

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She never replied after my last email. I assume she put herself in my shoes and is currently undergoing a huge revelation, and the next time I hear from her she'll be eager to rebuild our marriage.

BTW, very disappointing about OMW purposely feeding me bad information.

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And she pretty much just blew off my chatty email and focused in on me not having her affair phone number.

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Just noticed that while she changed the login\password for our netflix account, she didn't change the payment information. I just paid for next month.

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I assume she put herself in my shoes and is currently undergoing a huge revelation, and the next time I hear from her she'll be eager to rebuild our marriage.


Right...

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BTW, very disappointing about OMW purposely feeding me bad information.


I wouldn't be so sure that OM's W feed you any bad information... regardless of what your W says, and regardless of how the investigation turns out... you accomplished your goal! You exposed the A and ended it.

Notice that your W isn't saying that she's still "friends" with the OM, or that she's still in contact with the OM and OM's W.... if she ever puts that in writing, I'd make sure that you keep a copy of the e-mail and forward it to your CofC. Bottom line is that the exposure worked!

She's playing head games with you and trying to get you to doubt the actions that you took. You were 100% right with all of your actions and you're WW is starting to convince you to have second thoughts... don't let her words get to you!

She's the one that's confused. She's the one that's making up all sorts of lies and stories in order to justify HER actions. You knew this was coming... don't buy into her lies and start second guessing your actions.

Semper Fi,

RIF

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And she pretty much just blew off my chatty email and focused in on me not having her affair phone number.

Actually, she didn't blow off your chatty e-mail... you knew that she wasn't going to respond directly to what you wrote... you knew in advance that she would use your e-mail as an excuse to send more cr*p your way... which she did!

Remember, when you send her an e-mail, don't get sucked into expecting a "certain" reply, or you'll just set yourself up for a big dissapointment. Your chatty e-mails are only meant to keep her communicating with you, an it's working! How many e-mails have you gotten since yesterday?

Oh, and I'll say it again, don't worry about what she says about OM's W... I think that your WW is really out there to even suggest that OM's W would "team up" with WW in order to "show how crazy" you are with your "false" allegations... This is just more drivel that you're wife is throwing out to you and hoping that it will cause you to start doubting yourself.

Semper Fi,

RIF

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The only thing it's making me doubt is whether or not she is ever going to be someone I want to be with again. She's delusional to the point where I think she must be mentally ill. Like she's believing her own lies, like the affair never happened. It's consistently disappointing to communicate with her. I'm glad she didn't answer the phone earlier, because I didn't want to talk to her. She's demonizing me to her family and friends, damage that I'm not sure can ever be undone. And for what? She's spent more than a quarter of our marriage lying to me and having an affair. Maybe she's just broken in a way I can't fix.

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Maybe she's just broken in a way I can't fix.


Exactly Gurka! You CAN NOT fix her!!!

What you CAN do is continue to be the best husband that you can be for her... she will eventually work through all of this Jr. High drama, and trust me, she WILL regret her actions.

You are showing her your love, even when she doesn't deserve to be loved. She will eventually see that your actions WERE in her best interest and she will KNOW that you are committed to the M.

What you are doing isn't easy, and I know that it's eating you up to keep getting these e-mails from her... but Gurka, your actions are working! We can see it because we're not emotionally attached or involved like you are. You are doing a super job under VERY trying circumstances...

Don't doubt yourself... You can't fix her, but you CAN be a light to help guide her back...

Semper Fi,

RIF

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hi Gerka,

I see that you are sliding into Peematch Valley.
It's easy to do, it's easy to lose your grip when dealing with a wayward.
They push buttons and see only red.

Their goal is to make you REACT in a way that justifies the way that they ACT.

You need to get your focus back, not only for your M, but for you.
Read her irrational words as just that, irrational. I was pretty entertained with all that I read from her in these last pages.
I'm not sure if this will help you or not, it did help me. Allow yourself one liner statements of your goal and only one.
By doing this I felt that I was still standing my ground, it didn't allow a pee match to happen and stopped me from going off into a rant.
You do have the control here in this situation, it's just not feeling like that to you.

What's being said about educating a wayward is so true, you can't, they don't hear it. They are offended by it, it is 100% lovebusting.

Can you step back a bit, move your focus to something other than the chaos in your life right now ..... what do you do to take time out, relax ?

You've mentioned that you go to the gym, this is good.
Dr. Harley has said that when we are worked up, it is best to do something that slows our adrenalin, not support it.

When I first read about WW's news of her Dad, my first thought was 'verify this'.
I have no idea if what WW says is all truth, since she is grasping at straws right now and will use any means to manipulate you.
Verifying is your new way in dealing with a WW and a FWW if she reaches that.
I don't understand blackberries etc., I wondered if you could have forwarded her message along with your own, to her family.
This way her family would know what info you had received from her and the reason for your concerned reply.

I think the idea of recording your calls with her, is a very smart move.

I read the OM's name, while I don't give a hoot if it's here for his sake, I do wonder if it may have some harm to his children at some point.
These threads are around for a long time and there are thousands of people who read them.

Hang in there Gerka, time will tell if she chooses to stay broke.




M'd 22 years
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D-Day 08/08 LTA


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I guess I'm just feeling like my LB is getting close to 0. And once we're both in the red, it's game over.

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Screw OM. He's the one that would have done harm to his children.

Gerka,

WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!

Stop replying to her emails. No f-ing relationship talk. You don't want to piss me off, remember?

She's trying to bait you and you are falling for it hook line and sinker. If you would stop responding to her bait, she would realize that baiting you doesn't work and would eventually stop.

As far as her being mentally ill, yeah, I bet she has Borderline Personality Disorder. This is what we were telling you 100 pages back, but you wanted to try and save this. That's fine, either you'll save this or in the process of trying to save this, you'll realize that you want nothing to do with this woman anymore because she's a selfish nutjob. That is why I didn't push anything. She'll either revert back to your good wife after withdrawal is over, or she'll reveal herself to be the whackjob you didn't realize you were marrying. Either way, you win. It would be better to get divorced now than to be stuck in a bad marriage, trust me.

But no more responding to her emails. You are just adding fuel to the crazy fire.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I guess I'm just feeling like my LB is getting close to 0. And once we're both in the red, it's game over.

That's why you don't get sucked into the pissing matches. That will drain your love bank more than anything. Just tune it out and ignore it.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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A BS in Plan A, has a zero lovebank balance, actually it's negative.
There are no deposits from the WS, only Lovebusters, which are withdrawls.

That is why Plan A is so draining.
This is why we encourage BS's to focus on other aspects in their life, other than the A.
It is consuming and exhausting.

If at some point you need to go to Plan B, which is NC from your WW, you will have to have done a stellar Plan A beforehand.
When a BS enters Plan B, it is to protect their lovebank from any more damage, preserve what is left to fight for the M.

Once Plan B is in motion, the last memories that the WS has of the BS, should be of someone that they realize is the best choice for a marital partner.

Make sense?
This is why it is so important to work on yourself in Plan A, be the best that you can be, it's a win win, (poor use of that word in this situation) no matter the outcome.



M'd 22 years
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D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Jim, I'm not encouraging pissing matches, is that not how my post came across?
I also understand about not educating a wayward.


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Originally Posted by jmwc95
Screw OM. He's the one that would have done harm to his children.
Yes, he IS the one who has harmed his own children, I'm not arguing with you on that.
Like you are expressing your thoughts, I'm expressing mine.

Those kids are innocent victims, and I would hate to see them exploited in some way, by their father's identity written here.
I don't know what the chances are of that happening, it was simply a concern that I had.



M'd 22 years
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D-Day 08/08 LTA


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She replied:
U don't have my 520 number, that lovely one that u mad up and gave to my cdr doesn't exist
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

I would have said, "I must've been mistaken, can I have your number so we can stay in touch in a more convenient way for you?"

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She replied:
Ah yes, she's a nice lady, and she was helping to discredit u all along, since she doesn't appreciate u slandering her husband

You're right, she is a nice lady! I appreciate her help in trying to save our marriage.

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She also wrote:
And yeah, since u clearly don't nderstand when u are not wanted, my family will be good at making it clear to u if u try to approach them when u get back. They are not little pawns in this ridiculous game that u are turning our lives into

You're right, but your family has been so nice and gracious to me, it's just impossible for me to not contact them.

I'm not the best at reverse fogbabble but I know you're supposed to take what they say, agree with them in some way and stick in a jab about your marriage without being too obvious.

Next time don't get in a pissing war with her. You've gotten great advice already. You're doing great! I aspire to do as good as you've done!


Me 31
Him 26
Married 11/30/04

DD11
DD8
DS3

In a big ol mess...
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