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Gerka, I think that this is worth a second read.

Carrot and Stick revisted


M'd 22 years
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D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Read it again. How much longer should I expect her to keep acting like this? Because she seems worse now than right at "d day."

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I sent her a short email telling her to expect a package on the 19th, and to have someone grab it if she'll be gone to her sister's wedding by then.

She replied with:
u don't have my address genius

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My reply:

Well I hope you've taken the steps necessary to make sure things sent to your old address still get to you. Don't you think it would be a good idea for me to have your current address? I need to be able to send you things, and I'll need to update my SGLI so they aren't looking all over the place for you if something happens to me.

Last edited by Gerkaguards; 05/15/10 09:25 AM.
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She wrote:
Obviously I moved to hide from u, so no u can't have my address. I'm in the army, anyone can find me through official channels

I replied:
I've never threatened you with violence or laid a finger on you in my life. Don't make me out to be someone I'm not. I'd never hurt you and you know that.

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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
Read it again. How much longer should I expect her to keep acting like this? Because she seems worse now than right at "d day."

It depends. How much longer are you going to be responding to her emails and stoking the fire?

From my experience WS's just go off on you for 2-3 weeks after exposure. Maybe since she didn't get a chance to unload on you then, the timline will be extended. Also, when new consequences arise from exposure (i.e. results of the investigation), it can be like exposure started all over again.

OR if you WS has a personality disorder, she may always be this way to you, refusing to accept blame in her mind and convincing herself SHE is the victim in all of this.

Just calm down and relax. Either you will recover your marriage or you will discover you dodged a bullet by getting out early before having any children with a spouse with a personality disorder that you would have always had problems with.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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Originally Posted by Gerkaguards
I sent her a short email telling her to expect a package on the 19th, and to have someone grab it if she'll be gone to her sister's wedding by then.

She replied with:
u don't have my address genius

She makes me want to smack her.

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"I wrote back:
I haven't done anything wrong. I've just tried to be a good husband, and live up to my vows and commitment....."

WW knows just how to play you and get you into an argument. rant2

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Yeah, she's like a little kid.

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Yeah, she's like a little kid.


Hey Gurka,

Exactly... so please don't stoop to her level and keep e-mailing her. You know she's going to keep sending stuff like this to you. She's feeling more "in control" now because you've started engaging her and defending yourself.

As for how long should you keep this up? I think jmwc95 gave you a pretty good timeline... about 2-3 weeks after exposure, but longer if another "issue" such as punishment from the investigation come out...

You've got a lot of positive things going for you right now... and tops on the list is your W is NOT in contact with the OM. How do I know this? ...because she's spending her time e-mailing YOU to try and make you feel bad for runing all of her fun!

Let's go over some other positive things that are going for you:

1 - WW is no longer in contact with OM
2 - WW is confused and angry and lashing out at you (further proof that A is over and she is in withdrawal from OM)
3 - Your actions so far have been consistent, and regardless of what she says, they have been supportive and loving towards her.
4 - Your actions to her family have been above board regardles of what she says.
5 - Your actions will leave a positive image of you if/when you decide to move on to plan-b.

Now, here are a couple of things that you need to work on:
1 - Stop engaging in arguments with your WW over e-mail. You can't win, and you're just playing into her hand when you keep replying to her nasty e-mails.
2 - Catch your negative thoughts before you start dwelling on them. (easier said than done, but remember, your mind will almost always think of the most NEGATIVE outcome... don't dwell on these negative thoughts!)
3 - Don't second guess your past actions!!! You are quickly becoming the poster-boy MAN for exposure and Plan-A! You're doing great, you really are.... I know it doesn't "feel" that way to you, but your actions are having an effect on your WW.

Relax and try to distance yourself from her drama. She will eventually get tired of arguing with herself as long as you stick with your plan and don't engage her by defending yourself or educating her with your e-mails...

Semper Fi,

RIF

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I sent her the tracking number for the package, if she really moved, she can figure out how she's going to get it. I'm done for now. I don't even want to think about her.

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Hey Gurka - Thats good! You've done what you needed to do, sent her a package, and now try not to have ANY expections on how this will affect her, what she will think, nothing...

Your intent in sending the package was to show your WW that you still love her and care for her.

The "outcome" won't be seen for quite a while... the outcome that you're going to get is more nasty e-mails from your WW, telling you how your "little game" isn't working...

Your WW has been following the WS script to the letter! She hasn't done anything that most of us who have been where you are haven't already seen or heard before.

You're doing great! It's the weekend, so I suspect that your WW may try and bait you by sending some more nasty e-mails... If you can babble back to her, then that would probably be OK, if not, then I wouldn't reply at all...

Semper Fi,

RIF

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Turn off your phone.

Find a funny book,

watch a silly guy movie!


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Just rearranged my room to make use of my extra space. It's very, very nice. I could stay here another year like this. smile

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Just rearranged my room to make use of my extra space. It's very, very nice. I could stay here another year like this. smile


Nothing like having a little privacy... I had a private room for both of my tours in Afghanistan, and it made a big difference.

Bosnia was a little different, 12 of us slept on cots in a GP-Medium tent with wooden pallets for a "floor" and one light bulb...

We all live in single CHUs here in Iraq, so it's not bad at all.

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Yeah, my roommate left behind his gortex top... that's going to cost him when he gets back to CIF.

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I thought they let you keep all of your gear from CIF and take it with you to your next duty station... maybe you can mail it back to him.

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You know it's funny, if she wants to be close to her family to help them during this time, she's going to have to come to Fort Polk or Fort Hood anyway. They live in Houston. Both posts are 3 hours away. And Fort Hood isn't on the list of posts they're assigning MI LTs to this year.

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You'll be in a good location to help them out when you get home... is not a bad drive to Houston... except when the love-bugs come out, then you'll need a ton of windshield washer fluid and a scraper!

Nothing smells worse than a windshield covered in dead love-bugs!

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I think I put her email on here that if I tried to approach her family when I get back they would "Make it clear that they want nothing to do with me."

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