Eluna,

Of course your FWH is going to vary between depression and happiness.

Of course you're going to feel really angry and a lot of hurt.

And then you're not. And then you are.

At first, you felt real fear on DDay...huge...so the hurt was just a whimper in it.

So it was for your FWH, too...his huge fear of losing you.

Your fear of losing him.

When really, you both were afraid of losing the marriage.

You are doing fantastic in your choices...even though you feel angry, resentful, furious, frustrated and hurt...you don't react to it (for the most part). You use your mind to figure out how else to verify the truth.

Inspirational, Eluna. Truly.

Now, don't over do your doing...part of redemption is your FWH acting transparent...so you don't call and check up on him...he calls to inform you...two or three times a day...and always if there is a change in plan from where he thought he'd be to where he really is...or is doing.

That's for him...he has to rebuild trust in himself, too, as well as your trust. Give him room to do that. You're a super capable, clear-thinking woman, seems to me. Give him room to redeem, too.

How long did the A last?

You're going to get more angry, btw, as you come to really trust you're not losing him...because you didn't do anything to make him choose to have an A. That's reasonable and understandable, 'k? Don't fight with him.

Write out your anger in "I" statements...own your anger. Part of the process of personal recovery is to not take on any responsibility for his choice to have an A...and later, when NC is fully verified, he's through withdrawal, and you're questions have all been answered, and he knows exactly why he chose to have an A...then you work on issues pre-A in the marriage, the environment, 'k?

I like how you're not hot-headed unless you have a fever.

Ask him to make a list of Extraordinary Precautions...where he won't confide intimately about the marriage or his stuff with any member of the opposite sex. Where he will not email others without cc'ing you (non-work related)...nor will you. You're a team...you are both for the marriage...even when you don't feel like treating your spouse well.

Understand you cannot make him feel your pain...it's truly indescribable...he cannot have your experience, walk in your shoes. He has to comprehend the depths of it over time...share your triggers with him so he is with you through them...even though he cannot undo them, ever.

Make sure to get in those 20 hours of UA time...I found RC activities were the best for that...where you have fun together, get to know each other as the allies you really are...each half of the union...instead of enemies (he had to make you the bad guy to justify his horrific choice...and you know you see him as the enemy because he attacked the marriage with an A)...

Takes time, persistence, endurance...and talk about EPs because that's what his biodad lacked...no boundaries, no boundary enforcements. He can never be like his biodad if he makes different choices.

As for real or not real...he has coached himself in fantasy...so what is reality and what he thinks it is will vary...he truly fears you "abandoning" him above all else...the more days/weeks/months that go by that you choose to recover, the less that fear is there...so yes, he might hide, revert, deceive...when he feels safer.

Don't know. Won't know until you get there. Your job is to learn a lot so that you decide what you'll do if/when...and you already did that...you chose to stay and try to recover. You make great choices. Doesn't mean you make the same ones, over time...depends on your own boundaries and their enforcements.

LA