Originally Posted by ElunaInNC
He sat down and wrote the NC letter out by hand last night. I have it in my purse to ensure she gets it. He has pointed out her car, so I think I will take a friend and have them put it on her windshield.

I would have mailed it, but he does not know her mailing address.


Here's a suggestion. Make time to find her mailing address so you can send it with a return receipt required. That way you will get a little green card with a signature stating that she (or whoever lives at that address) received it.

You seem to be trusting your H during a time when he may not be trustworthy. It's only been 2 months and in my experience that's way too soon.

Worst case scenario is that he points out the wrong car on purpose. Best case scenario is that you receive a green card assuring you she's received it, accepts it and you're able to begin rebuiding trust.

In between is the possibility that your H mistakes someone else's car for hers and you never find out. (Plus OW will never receive the NC letter.)

Put her name in www.Zabasearch.com and try all the cities she might live in.

Put her phone number in www.whitepages.com and use the "reverse look up" feature.

Pay for www.intellius.com to do an extensive search to find her work or home address.

If you don't have one, get a www.Classmates.com account and go to her school section where they usually list everyone and often have a segment where it says "what are they doing now"? That's how I eventually found OWH's WORK address and then phone number across the country.

Sorry I can't lurk or post during the daytime but I am praying that you will take/make time to send this NC letter directly to OW with proof that she received it. You can't know if she reads it or not, but at least you can look at the card when things get tough and have something tangible to help you overcome. I did not realize it at first, but that little card helped me in the early days of recovery.

Regarding your H's possible addiction to gaming, that could be an area that spells trouble without your knowing it. My H's EA started in online gaming through their chat feature. That's how I discovered D-Day #4....went into the history and saw all the hours he was spending gaming (when he said he only spent a few minutes). That was 6 months (and 2 more D-Days) after D-Day #1.

Your H needs to earn your trust, Eulana. Giving it to him prematurely could set you up for multiple D-Days like I suffered because that's exactly what I did (did not know about MB until well after D-Day #4 ~ actually didn't know that D-Day #4 was a D-Day until much later when our MC said that if WH was looking for OW through playing games, it was a D-Day when I discovered him lying. WH's intent was to find her and try to resist her, and even if she wasn't there, his intent and subsequent lying was why it was classified as a D-Day for me by our MC.)

Hope this helps, and I trust others will share their experiences, too.


P.S. ETA: OW had told me that they went to her H's hometown on vacation, plus she told me what he did for a living while we were trying to be friends. That's how I knew what to look for on that Classmates account list of "where are they now?".

Last edited by _Ace_; 05/27/10 08:49 AM. Reason: to show one benefit of my trying to be OW's friend

FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)