Not just her, Hold. You deny that you have any control over you self esteem and continue to find ways in which you are a failure. I'm dangerously close to saying what many here have said which is to find value in yourself, be a more positive thinker. Not that easy or simple even if you did desire that.

Maybe this grove you have going in your head is the equivalent to what people addicted to substances feel. They must have "it" to feel "normal" regardless of the fact that "normal" is killing them. It's all self abuse.

Maybe you need to reach rock bottom in self loathing. Did you chose to value yourself by not seeking crumbs when your W showed she would allow some touch?

Formerly nam here since 07/31/03 coastal, CT