Correct. I am not trying to break the dance. I am merely trying to endure the next 5 years. Then I can break the dance permanently.

To break the dance I would have to succeed at work. Then either Mrs. Hold would respect me and be in love with me and happiness would reign. Or I could afford to divorce her and find someone else. In all cases, the path to happiness runs through my career success. Problem is, I do not believe I am capable of career success. I cannot summon the will to even try. If I try and fail, it is on me. If I sit in my cesspool of hatred and self-loathing, and focus on my marital woes, then I can tell myslf my failure is all on her. Since I believe I am going to fail either way, might as well blame it on her.

Nams: How do I feel about not rolling toward her? Hard to say. So conflicted inside. I want the crumbs. I have no hope of getting more than crumbs. I feel a small pride that I said no. But maybe that is not pride. Maybe that is my sick masochistic glee in knowing that my rejection of her will only tear our relationship further apart. I will hate her more. She will not be motivated to provide more than crumbs. She will feel rejected as well. We will further withdraw from one another. Another brick will be placed onto the wall.

I have chronicled our relatively honest talks here the past few days. We both recognize the mechanisms involved. She has not offered to make herself more available physically any more than I have offered to make additional efforts at work. We have both chosen to "stand pat". As Retread says, we are sitting in the cabin watching the supplies dwindle. Waiting for death to arrive. Well, I am. Not sure what she is doing. Sometimes I think she is like me. Sees it but can't bring herself to change. Other times I think she is in denial. Unwilling to accept that the supplies are dwindling.