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I fully believe she would have responded better to a typical angry, "[censored] you, I want a divorce" kind of response as opposed to Plan A, exposure, etc.
Now what that says about the kind of person she is is an entirely different matter. I like to believe that the MB steps would work with a spouse and a marriage that's worth saving. I don't know, Gerka. As others have pointed out earlier, none of us knows you or your WW. You could be right. From my own experience, from what I've seen here, and, most importantly, from Dr. H's own work, though, it seems that MB principles are the best shot at rescuing a marriage from infidelity. You're right that it speaks volumes about her (at least her wayward self) and what kind of person she currently is. Question: Do you feel you wasted your time trying to recover the marriage?
Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
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Yes. I feel that I'd be a lot further along my personal recovery if I had given up on this horrible person months ago.
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Yes. I feel that I'd be a lot further along my personal recovery if I had given up on this horrible person months ago. This may be the case, however you have demonstrated the integrity of your convictions. You have fought the good fight. Had you not done this, you would always look back and wonder if you'd done enough. Now you know you have given your all, and though you were unsuccessful at reclaiming your marriage, you have grown in ways you would not have otherwise. I'm sorry this has ended this way - but you should not fault yourself for giving it your all, for trying to save your marriage. Marriage is WORTH fighting for - even if this woman no longer is.
Me & DH: 28 Married 8/20/05 1DD, 9 mo. Just Lookin' and Learnin' HIYA!
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Yes. I feel that I'd be a lot further along my personal recovery if I had given up on this horrible person months ago. This may be the case, however you have demonstrated the integrity of your convictions. You have fought the good fight. Had you not done this, you would always look back and wonder if you'd done enough. Now you know you have given your all, and though you were unsuccessful at reclaiming your marriage, you have grown in ways you would not have otherwise. I'm sorry this has ended this way - but you should not fault yourself for giving it your all, for trying to save your marriage. Marriage is WORTH fighting for - even if this woman no longer is. This is a good point. She may have exhibited signs of being a 'lost' WW...but there was no way to know if she would want to save her marriage....so now GG knows he did everything he could. He can go in peace now. And be VERY thankful he doesn't have children with her. And that he is so young.
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Gerka,
The underlying message in her VM is that she is having second thoughts. Everything you�ve described about your WW tells me she is a drama queen and likely a borderline personality. Drama feeds a need she has. A lack of drama feels abnormal. So there is constant triangulation. There�s always an �us against them� going on in some way. If there isn�t she creates it.
This leads to a never ending amount of drama for you in your life. It will cost you your career. It will cost you friends.
You�re better off with a normal woman.
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Ditto what Vibrissa and SmilingWoman said.
And I think what you're feeling is totally normal - even if she had gotten on board with recovery, it seems many betrayed spouses definitely question whether they should've just left back at the beginning.
It's no fun no matter how it plays out. Personal recovery from here on - upwards, ever upwards!
Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
DSx2
D-day: 2008
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Yes. I feel that I'd be a lot further along my personal recovery if I had given up on this horrible person months ago. But don't you feel more at peace with your decision now that you know your marriage couldn't/shouldn't be saved? Aren't you glad you now know what your WW is truly like? Now if she comes back later asking for reconciliation you can say, "uh, no thanks." I'm positive that she's acting the way she's acting because she has at least one or more OM right now and she's having trouble justifying that to herself, so she's angry and just lashes out at you. You are the cause of her problems, not herself. I'm sure that's how she got the interest of all the other OM, telling them what a horrible guy you are and how they should feel so sorry for her. Boo freaking hoo. She can go pull that [censored] with someone else now.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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Got another VM from her this morning. This one was angry tone, "I can't believe you're being so childish. Please call me back!" Because insulting someone is a great way to get what you want. Her number is blocked now, she can't call, text or leave me any more voicemails. Gosh I'm childish. 
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Oh yeah and now that I'm back in the states I can easily look up OM. He moved to his permanent duty station, deployed to Afghanistan, and changed his cell phone number. Maybe that's why she's so angry. Who knows. Who cares.
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Well, as Miss Vanilla says, upwards, ever upwards. You made the choice to try to R, and now you know for sure that it didn't work. There is some value in that knowledge, even though it caused you some pain. Now you can laser-focus on your personal recovery without distraction!
Helpthelostdads has had it pretty much nailed from early on, and I believe he is correct with his current assessment of the situation.
Whatever you do, Gerka, know that "this too shall pass", and as you continue to heal, you will get to a point where the memory of this situation won't bother you as much, and even be able to look back on this and laugh. I know that might sound crazy, but you will get there.
Best wishes.
Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.
Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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I am very excited for you. Now you can finally put the past behind you, focus on your career and invest in relationships with a future. Good luck.
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Got another VM from her this morning. This one was angry tone, "I can't believe you're being so childish. Please call me back!" Gerka. I think you are definitely doing the right thing here in ignoring her. Some people thrive on drama, and while I don't know if your wife is one of them, she is certainly acting like it. If you want, you might drop her a quick email to ask that she stop calling you. You could tell her that you will notify her if you do something that concerns her, but otherwise her venom and bile no longer hold any interest for you. The point would not be to stir up a hornet's nest, but to tell her calmly that she is wasting her time clogging your VM and you'd rather not have to get a whole new phone number.
ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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I blocked her number, so that's not a problem anymore.
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So glad you are back and safe. And sorry that things are not going well with your wife. Continue NC with her.
And in the end, later I think you will be glad that you did your best to try to save the marriage. You can look back with no regrets.
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I would send her one last email:
Dear WW,
I'm done. You are now dead to me. I am releasing you to date whoever you want to now, not that it stopped you before (or now). This will be my last correspondence with you. Your phone number and email address are now blocked. If you need something going forward, have your lawyer contact my lawyer (888-555-4444, bulldog@attorney.net). Have a nice life.
Your soon-to-be ex-husband,
Gerka
P.S. No, I will not be dating until the divorce is official.
Jim BS - 32 (me) FWW - 33 Married 8/31/03 No kids (but 3 cats) D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA) NC agreed to - 11/8/06 NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07 Status - In Recovery Jim's Story
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i think your current posture is brilliant. You don't have to talk to her and a it ticks her off no end. I think making ANY response other than lawyers will open you up. It also gives her a win. DON't DO IT!
The problem with the letter is that, to maintain your integrity, it treats her with too much respect. Given your state of mind, I think you will feel like a sap for sending it. It's not a Plan B letter, so what is it's purpose?
You had a painful discussion with her followed up by the lovely gift of service on your anniversary.
Let THAT be your closure. You never have to talk to this trash again. That's what lawyers are for...
Last edited by kerala; 08/12/10 11:28 PM.
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Yeah I think a lot of people want me to have the last word. I don't need to. I don't need to justify or explain anything to her.
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You are a much bigger person than I am Gerka. I would definitely need to have the last word, and it wouldn't be anything I would be able to type on here without getting censored all over the place.
You have shown a lot of class and integrity throughout this entire ordeal. I really admire that.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Yeah I think a lot of people want me to have the last word. I don't need to. I don't need to justify or explain anything to her. In some cases, like yours, the best "last word" is no word at all.
ManInMotion
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(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
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Yeah I think a lot of people want me to have the last word. I don't need to. I don't need to justify or explain anything to her. In some cases, like yours, the best "last word" is no word at all. +1
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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