Other "needs" could be to fill a house with junk, like on the "Hoarders". Sure, they have a NEED to do this and they FEEL like they want to fill up thier homes with junk. Does this mean that that need is valid for them and should be honored?

If you want to be married to them and have a passionate romantic marriage, then yes.

A radio show from a few months ago, DR. Harley was talking about avoiding jealousy in our spouses. He said that we should make our spouses feel safe and if they feel jealous STOP doing whatever triggers that emotion. He then used the extreme example of a paranoid person, who's jealousy is raised through what you and I would consider innocent interactions. What should the spouse of such a person do?

Avoid making their spouse jealous, even though the paranoia is restricting and seems unfounded. If you want a happy marriage, you avoid hurting your spouse. FULL STOP.

Now you may decide that you cannot meet the need to the level the paranoid person wants.

That is fine.

You are free to set your boundaries. But you will not have a happy, passionate marriage with such a person if you cannot fulfill that need.

This isn't a judgement on any party. This is pure fact.

Someone has a need. You can't meet it and you can't successfully negotiate it with POJA, you're not going to have a happy marriage.

Does that make one spouse bad or wrong.


It just is.

Now you may decide to not stay in such a situation. That is completely your choice.

Hold has decided to stay, knowing he cannot have a happy marriage under these conditions.

And as for beating a child that isn't a EN in the MB sense, because it is not a need that will build love and make love unit deposits.

When you encounter a potential mate with needs that you cannot meet, or your spouse develops them during your marriage (see Linus' thread in SAA) then you must decide "Will I continue to live in this situation?" Then you control only what you can: YOURSELF and either stay or go.

The fact of the matter is you cannot change another person, not only is it a DJ it is a futile process. One that only brings pain and misery as you are condemned to fail.

All you can do is determine: Can I meet my spouse's need, if not can we negotiate a middle ground, if not, can I live in a loveless marriage?

Judging your spouse (and that is what you are doing) doesn't solve or fix ANYTHING, it may make you feel better temporarily, but that is fleeting and the judgement actually compounds the problem.

Me & DH: 28
Married 8/20/05
1DD, 9 mo.
Just Lookin' and Learnin'