[quote=CWMI]Yes, we've seen Fireproof.

Lost, I don't even know what the right question is. What is best is my goal, but right now the only question I can think of is "How could you do this again? How could you take something that was going so well and was so beautiful and destroy it so swiftly?"

I've dealt with the same issues with my husband although my circumstances were different. You might get angry when I say this, but the problem is that you are "there". This was my problem. I was "present" in the home, in the M. I was the one who was angry and upset from the lack of honest POJA. I turned myself inside out trying to get my husband to see his "issue". The only "issue" he saw was that I had the problem with "it" and "it" wasn't so bad that I was S or D.

Sad isn't it?

You have a similar situation with your husband. He doesn't see his dishonesty as a problem. You are the one that is upset about it, so you're the one with a "problem". He's basically telling you to deal with it or D. He's not changing, because it's not a problem for him.

Honestly, I don't think he believes that you will S or D. You made a "threat" when you told him he would have custody and he probably doesn't see you as being serious enough to follow through. He likely thinks you are being dramatic and manipulative.

It's really taking up a lot of headspace today--he left two hours early this morning and I have no idea when he'll be home. He would only say he'll try to head home by five. I went all Yoda on him--do or do not, there is no TRY, lol.

I have a feeling this is part of your dilemma. You tell him he's going to be a single dad. He says he'll see the kids on Sunday. He leaves 2 hours early and you have no idea when he'll be home. Then you go yoda on him. Bad, bad, bad. To him, going all Yoda was you just attempting to vent on him. You've got to quit that approach. It's only weakening you in his eyes and it's killing any respect he might have for you. It's a total love buster and it closes the love bank. He's seeing you as a push over. You gripe and complain, he listens for a few moments, then goes on his own way, leaving you to stew in your juices. You've got to stop this cycle of disrespect...toward him and toward yourself.

Why did you even go Yoda?
If you're not ready to S, prepared to turn and walk out the door and leave him and the kids there at the house, then don't say anything. Because S comes before D. When you S, he'll have the kids also. I doubt you intend to have the children outside of the courtroom so they can leave with him once D is granted.

Unless you are truly willing to D and give him full custody, don't say that you are.

You're going to have to be willing to do what you say you're going to do. State your boundaries and enforce your position.

Part of your problem is that you don't have healthy boundaries in dealing with his sense of entitlement. Now it's come to this.


Thing is, he would never tolerate that from me. A few years ago I went to an evening event without him (he was invited to go, just didn't want to) and told him I would leave there at 10. He called me several times, to say, "What cha doin? When you coming home? Will you bring me milk? Who all is there? Who are you talking to? Did you meet so-and-so?" I can't imagine what he would have called to say if I'd left without his blessing and told him I didn't know when I'd be home.

Tolerate is the key word here. He sets the tone and you follow along. Is this what you want in your M? If not, you might very well have to be willing to D and move on. If this is his real personality, then he isn't likely going to change. He sounds very selfish to me.

However, with lack of healthy boundaries and taking things to the extreme, it could be that you both feel the other is bluffing. I'm not sure which it is from reading your posts.