You stated this:

I have come home many, many times to discover that he had bought a car without discussing it.

How many times, really?

Once, twice, Three Times? I mean, how many cars has your family owned since you have been married? I ask because I want to caution about exaggeration in these matters. One time does not a pattern make. "You do it all the time!" and "Always!" are lovebusters...

KT mentioned something about the "list of wrongs" (my term) that a woman can store up. My BW certainly can come up with very specific, and detailed times that I have done something WRONG. And just like your husband, I can NOT detail the lovebusters and DJ's that come my way in quite the same manner. And I am not saying that talking to your sister equates to buying a car.

I am saying that ALL LoveBusters are bad. A number 10 LB'er hurts just like a #1 LB'er, regardless if your can cite time and place three years later.

Quit asking him for specifics. Start discussing lovebusters in general. And start trying to learn were you push his buttons, much like he pushes yours.

He might feel that he is a very successful person in the workplace, and a loser at home. And your description of his FOO and circumstances would seem to support my take on how he might see himself. I have four siblings, and a very poor background, so I can relate.

My BW never thought I doing all that well at this work thing either.....

So you gotta put away the scorekeeping lists. Your always going to win this one. And what does it do to move the convo forward? He shuts down, and you don't understand why he won't talk to you about his problems.....

As NED stated, it might be time for a little refresher with SH.

It can get better. Ours did. Yours can.