CWMI:

Maybe I am in one of those enemy helicopters...

I like what Hold had to say about your standards. How high they are, and maybe, your husband isn't able to "get there"

However, one thing we know now, (at least I just found out..) is that your husband in a used car salesman.

His standards will NEVER be that high, because he gets to swim in the cesspool everyday. And this has continued for thier entire marriage.

It provides the home and a lifestyle that allows CWMI to go to school and do her artist stuff.

Does this make him a BAD PERSON? No, it just makes him a Used Car Salesguy. Who happens to be very good at what he does, such that his former employer comes looking for him after the fact, and the new employer has moved him thru the ranks fairly quickly.

If it is a fairly large dealership, then the dealership has ALL sorts of incentives that are funded by the manufacturers, and the dealership, when goals are met or exceeded. And some of those goals may be travel related. It might mean you go to a new model release, or finanacing deal workshop, or something, that NOT all the salespeople can go to.

Its that admiration thing. Sales guys (and gals) if they are any good, are motivated by the goals that are set by thier employers... Trips, dollars, salesperson of the month, etc.

He gets a HUGE amount of admiration for what he does at his job. He doesn't get much at home. So he works. And works. And looks for reasons to escape.

So, CWMI, you have decided that travel is your hill to die on. However, you do not climb to the top of that hill and start fighting. And maybe dying. Which would be the end of your marriage, because its a hill that you just not going to be able to win.

As far as I am concerned, a guy who leaves a good job at an auto dealership in this enviornment, and goes to another, in the hope that maybe he won't travel, after being promised at the interview time that he won't be, has sacrified ALOT. He has put in danger MANY THINGS. The new job may not have been what it was represented, and sales may not have been as promised, nor the goals as attainable, and there is no going back (at least in the beginning). This put the entire family at risk.

Its a hill to charge up, but your NOT GOING TO.

So you have to decide to accept, adjust, or stew.

Accept that he is going to have travel, and try to make it as palatable as possible. Meaning taking the family and going with him. Arranging sitters, or whatever to make it happen, so that he isn't "Alone" in these other places and looking for OW.

Adjust. He is going to travel. Becasue he is good at what he does, and in sales, that is what happens eventually.

Stew. Decide that the anger and resentment that is building up in you is yours to deal with. HE IS GOING TO DO THIS. So, you stew, or change it. Which apears to be Divorce.

That is why I propose that HE talks to SH. And works thru how to meet you halfway on this in a manner that makes sense to him. He feels maniupulated when you talk to SH, and then he talks to H. So, it is his turn to talk with SH a nember of times, and to learn MB in a way that his salesguy brain can deal with.

Then maybe, he learns how to get you into the right place in line, in first place, and to make sure that you are in the loop. So that when something comes up, you are told. And you accept that you have been told, and your voice is heard. You don't immediately "SAY NO!" to everything. You listen to him, because you are involved earlier in the process. SH can teach him more about this. You can't, I can't. But SH may be able to, if your H feels that it isn't coming from CWMI.

Just my .02

I feel for you CWMI. I really do, its a tough place to be.

LG