I read the article on exposure and do agree that in most circumstances exposing the affair is required to stop it progressing. But it talks of the risk of driving the WS away. My wife is already on the other side of the world, feeling lonely and alone. If her family were now to turn on her and attack her for her actions, what will this do to her? Won't this drive her into the arms of the OM? I don't know this guy, she knows very little about him herself, so exposing his part in this is not really an option.
What exposure does is enlist the support of your family members and "lift the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery." Your wife is in an affair FOG. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable. Affairs are much harder to carry on when there are others around who know about it. Exposure will wake your wife up and give her some much needed support from friends and family.
"The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight."
It is silly to say that it will "drive her into the arms of the OM" because the problem is that she has been in the arms of the OM. She is already there.
She cannot understand how she could allow herself to put her marriage of 10 years at risk for a man she barely knew and did not feel an attraction to when she first met him.
We are trying to help you understand that we DO understand how she allowed it. It was not black magic, it was a garden variety addictive affair. It is like a starving man who is suddenly faced with an all-u-can-eat buffet. The temptation to eat is overwhelming. Your wife is so addicted to this man that she allowed herself to enter an emotional affair, risking her marriage and her children's family. WHAT I AM TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND IS THAT THIS IS A POWERFUL ADDICTION.
Unless you understand that, you will not take proper precautions against this affair. PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE'S WORDS: "She cannot understand how she could allow [/b]herself to put her marriage of 10 years at risk for a man she barely knew and did not feel an attraction to when she first met him."
She cannot understand it because she has been overcome with a powerful addiction. The feeling was so powerful that she has risked her marriage, her children's family and everything dear to life. It will take much more than just her "word" to stop this train.
You should equate her to an alcoholic who sits in the bar looking at a glass of beer. He has the opportunity to pick up the drink and he wants it sooo bad. Eventually, that opportunity collides with a weak moment and he grabs that beer.
Your wife is the alcoholic in the bar right now. She is surrounded by people who have no idea that she is an alcoholic so they will do nothing to support her in her abstinence.
What we are trying to tell you is that you cannot count on her to stop this train wreck. An addict has no willpower. Your wife HAS ALREADY LOST THAT BATTLE. And not telling others leaves her VULNERABLE to spiritual assault. Your wife is under assault. The devil works under the power of DARKNESS. But you can halt him by turning on the lights!
Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11 (New International Version, �2010)