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I read the article on exposure and do agree that in most circumstances exposing the affair is required to stop it progressing. But it talks of the risk of driving the WS away. My wife is already on the other side of the world, feeling lonely and alone. If her family were now to turn on her and attack her for her actions, what will this do to her? Won't this drive her into the arms of the OM? I don't know this guy, she knows very little about him herself, so exposing his part in this is not really an option. What exposure does is enlist the support of your family members and "lift the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery." Your wife is in an affair FOG. The more people who know, the more people to hold her accountable. Affairs are much harder to carry on when there are others around who know about it. Exposure will wake your wife up and give her some much needed support from friends and family. "The reason that children should know about an affair is that exposing it to the light of day (letting everyone know), helps give the unfaithful spouse a dose of reality. An affair thrives on illusion, and whatever a betrayed spouse can do to eliminate the illusion is justifiable. Mold doesn't grow well in sunlight." It is silly to say that it will "drive her into the arms of the OM" because the problem is that she has been in the arms of the OM. She is already there. She cannot understand how she could allow herself to put her marriage of 10 years at risk for a man she barely knew and did not feel an attraction to when she first met him. We are trying to help you understand that we DO understand how she allowed it. It was not black magic, it was a garden variety addictive affair. It is like a starving man who is suddenly faced with an all-u-can-eat buffet. The temptation to eat is overwhelming. Your wife is so addicted to this man that she allowed herself to enter an emotional affair, risking her marriage and her children's family. WHAT I AM TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND IS THAT THIS IS A POWERFUL ADDICTION. Unless you understand that, you will not take proper precautions against this affair. PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE'S WORDS: "She cannot understand how she could allow [/b]herself to put her marriage of 10 years at risk for a man she barely knew and did not feel an attraction to when she first met him." She cannot understand it because she has been overcome with a powerful addiction. The feeling was so powerful that she has risked her marriage, her children's family and everything dear to life. It will take much more than just her "word" to stop this train. You should equate her to an alcoholic who sits in the bar looking at a glass of beer. He has the opportunity to pick up the drink and he wants it sooo bad. Eventually, that opportunity collides with a weak moment and he grabs that beer. Your wife is the alcoholic in the bar right now. She is surrounded by people who have no idea that she is an alcoholic so they will do nothing to support her in her abstinence. What we are trying to tell you is that you cannot count on her to stop this train wreck. An addict has no willpower. Your wife HAS ALREADY LOST THAT BATTLE. And not telling others leaves her VULNERABLE to spiritual assault. Your wife is under assault. The devil works under the power of DARKNESS. But you can halt him by turning on the lights! Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:11 (New International Version, �2010)
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I can only go by what she has told me until now. She says she has learned a very harsh lesson, that she is now allergic to the attention of men. That she wants no contact with this OM ever again. Won't this drive her into the arms of the OM? This is contradictory.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The sooner we are under the same roof the better. That is the plan I have at this point. That and prayer. Hope is not a plan. And no plan is a plan to FAIL. You are making critical, strategic mistakes, DC.  We are people who have saved our marriages using these tactics. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who has saved thousands of marriages over 40 years. He will tell you that keeping her affair a secret is to ENABLE the affair. What you are doing is allowing the affair to thrive and grow since there is no plan to stop it, OTHER THAN THE WORD OF AN ADDICT WHO OPENLY ADMITS SHE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HOW SHE ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN.  Surely you can see how foolhardy this "plan" to do nothing is? If you cannot, WE CAN. "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This guy is more worried about starting a business down there then moving his WW away from the OM.
We know where his priorities are.
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Dutchcourage,
I am assuming from your user name that you are in NL. By any chance do you work for a large Anglo-Dutch company? If so, are you being transferred to the South American country or quitting your job to move there and start a new life? I am asking this because I may be able to offer some unique insights.
Regards,
BB
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For a woman caring for 5 children, making the opportunity to get together with an affair partner takes thought and coordination. The kids have to be out of the house, or asleep, the WW and OM have to be quiet and sneaky, and she has to be willing to face the kids the next morning with this secret. Even her relationship with the kids is being damaged, because shameful secrets stops loving communication.
I agree with the others, that exposure is necessary, and the kids are your most influential potential allies. If she truly wants to avoid more contact with the OM, then she should surround herself with the kids. The 10 year old can be with her until bedtime, then she can have a couple of the small ones share her bed. Heck, it can be hard for a married couple to finagle enough time and privacy for sex with five kids in the house. If she stops plotting to get the kids out of the way, her opportunity for adultery diminishes. She should be accountable to you, and to the kids, for her behavior.
Do you see the point, that she has been actively making opportunity for alone time with the OM? It is not something that keeps happening "by accident".
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BB
I am in the NL. No, I don't work for a large Anglo-Dutch company. No I am not being transferred, I am quitting my job to start a new life over there.
I could use your help and insight whichever way.
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What gives you the right to pass judgement on my motives and actions based on a couple of messages on an internet forum? Everyone else on here has at least had the decency to offer me advice and encouragement.
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That was uncalled for, TheRoad...
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you so much ForeverHers. Your words are exactly what I need to hear right now.
I believe I have been complacent with my marriage and have not thought to cover my wife in prayer, as it seemed so natural that we would be together forever.
It is now I am beginning to realise that our marriage has been brought about through God's grace, and that only through His grace will it be reconciled.
The funny thing is my prayer life has become so much better, and I feel so much closer to God since this happened.
We definitely need marriage counselling and that will be one of the first things to arrange when I get over there. Would you recommend a specialist marriage counsellor or it is more important for the counsellor to be a Christian, although not necessarily specialised in relationships?
I wholeheartedely agree with you statement that forgiveness of my wife is a MUST. How can I expect to be forgiven if I cannot forgive others. My wife knows I have forgiven her already. The last thing I would want is for her salvation to be at risk. That is more important to me now than even our marriage.
Thank you brother. **EDIT*** God bless. FH
Last edited by JustUss; 11/27/10 06:01 PM.
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Dutchcourage,
I asked because I work for the big Anglo Dutch Company in a pretty senior role and in a position to help if you worked for that company. Since you do not, my only advice to you is, if your wife has family in NL and you are Dutch, I would move your wife and family back to NL and get her as far away from OM as geographically possible. If, in the future, she again suggests moving back to South America, you tell her the answer is no, it is non-negotiable and if she wants to remain married to you, she has to forego moving to South America - it is a consequence of her actions. Anywhere even on the same continent as OM is too close.
Regards,
BB
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What you are facing is a situation where this affair is very likely to escalate unless you stop it. Once it goes to this next level, she will be looking to replace you. Which will be easy to do because you are not there. Do you want this man to live there and raise your kids? That is NOT an unlikely outcome, but a common one. Really? She has told me she has had no contact with him since it happened. She says I am the only one for her and that she is living under Grace at this moment, because she knows that to now willfully disobew God will lead to her going to hell. I know that this may sound ridiculous and crazy to people here, but she had been warned before anything started about the dangers of men using black magic to get women to sleep with them. There are a lot of spiritual forces out there that we do not understand. Black magic is very powerful where she is, and is practised by many people. I am not saying that this is what has happened, but it remains a possibility. She was warned of this by her family, and has received the same message from the Christian counsellor she is seeing. It happens more often than we would like to think. The men prey on vulnerable and lonely women and use potions to control or pacify them. Am I in denial? Am I just making excuses for her? Only God knows. Dutch, are you kidding me??? You are actually BUYING THIS???
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Strategy indicates that all situations are the same and can be dealt with in the same way. Really?  Show me where strategy says that all situations the same. That is totally wrong.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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