I'm tired of beating myself up over where everything went wrong. I truly am the one mostly to blame for the breakdown of my marriage. I spent many years being depressed and avoiding my life, via sitting on a computer and ignoring my unhappiness and the unhappiness I was creating in my marriage. I wasn't even aware of it for a long time, but then when I was, I just let it go and neglected to do anything about it.

He had an A 7 years ago. He discontinued it as soon as he told me about it and I went online to seek some sort of mental solace. It did help some, I was hopeful, he wasn't interested. He just wanted me to go on as we were and for me to just let it go and get rid of my unhappiness. I told him I couldn't, my head wouldn't wrap around just forgetting it. I tried to get him to go to MC, he wouldn't. I tried IC, but discontinued going (and probably should've seen someone else).

I left for a year to try to make my head better, and it helped. I went back hopeful that we could patch up our rough patch. We did for a year or so and then my brain went back into self abusive lockdown once again. My ridiculously low self esteem kicked in and I started my crap again with the depression that is always there in it's lull. He was disconnected, just living day to day, just getting through life. We both were.We both enjoyed and loved our kids and spent time with them, but he wasn't connected to me outside of day to day chatter, the occasional "I love you too", and sexual demands (which included odd fetishes that I was never comfortable with, but did because it made him happy, or rather, not annoyed with me). He's been here at my house for the last week and i've been flipping from being angry at myself, to him, to feeling self loathing and self pity and frustration and TONS of regret.

He has been traveling 8 or 9 months of the year for work for the last 3 years. We lived in outside of DC, my family is from Florida. I eventually got tired of being alone, tired of his detachment and resentment and told him that I was moving back to FL to be with my family. I was alone up north with two high need kids, and I couldn't do it anymore. I needed someone with me. He helped me pack the Uhaul and I drove it down here, got a house, and unpacked everything myself. My head is better, it's clearer, I have a better perspective of myself, my surroundings, I feel like people care about me here, I feel loved and like people want to be with me. Something I had been lacking for a long time. SOme of it was his fault, some mine, and some of my having to focus on my kids.

Which leads to this week. We haven't filed for the D, we're working on the logistics of everything. I'm uneducated, have no training, as I've been a stay at home mom. When I left, I was more prepared to go it alone, but I guess I wasn't prepared for everything. I had been going it alone for 3 years while he traveled, except for now I had my family with me to offer their support and kick me in my butt when they see me isolating myself. Then he came down here for Christmas. I saw my children's joy in seeing him. I stared feeling guilty about their loss of him. I started feeling my own sadness about them having to be involved in what is now a mess. I feel bad that I'm losing someone who was my absolute best friend. I'm mad he's moved on and has a girlfriend. I'm mad that I started with him with NOTHING and he now makes $150k a year and some girlfriend may become his wife and benefit from it, when I was the one who was deprived with him and supported him through everything he did to get there. I praised his successes and comforted him in his failures. Now I can't. Now I have to readjust EVERYTHING, and I'll probably be a stronger person and a more self reliant person when it's all done. I'm just not ready for it right now. Or as ready for it as I thought I was. I want to curl back up in him and cry and say I'm sorry if I wasn't good enough and let's just go back to being a family! But it's not going to happen.


Gonna hit the therapist soon. It's LONG overdue. If I had done this 10 years ago, our lives probably would've been vastly different than this current situation. And I'm also taking him to the airport today and hoping his flight isn't canceled for a 2nd time. I can't do another day with him here while I'm trying to wrap my head around it all.

Sorry for being so long winded. I guess I had to purge and get some advice from someone who is fresh off of the divorce boat or someone who could X bash with me and make me laugh a little lol.

Thanks for listening,
This