I have been derailed since before I got married. Hopefully my present despair over who I have become will motivate me to become someone I can be proud of. TR is correct. I need slaps, not support.

Honestly Hold, You need both..

I have learned in my own life, that someone who 'slaps me' often cares more for me and my marriage than people who enable me stay wallowing in my hurt, pain and/or self pity..(not that anyone here is *desiring* to do that, I believe they all desire you to grow and have a better marriage..but because you refuse to change--even using this forum as an outlet--you are inadvertently being enabled, when not called out on the truth that it has been about 10 years and you have not done anything to really change yourself or your attitude towards your wife--and yet, still expect things to change..more importantly expect HER to change..while you stay the same)

It is when others look past the BS and call me on it that I know, I can no longer 'hide' behind it..because I know they will continue to call me out on it..or they will eventually stop pandering to me..and allow me to suffer the natural consequences of my own choices..one of which is a loss of relationship with them, they will no longer desire to spend time with me, or be there as part of my support system when I REALLY NEED it...

You've been saying for how many years you 'want' to get ECT? But yet, even that you have refused to follow through on..and it appears you just want others to tell you.."no..don't do it" and thus your needed 'excuse' not to go forward and do it..is it a wise decision to go through that? personally, I don't think it is, I believe it would do more harm to you mentally than not..
however, that being said..if it's that important to YOU to go through it..you would find a way to pay for it..just as you find a way to pay for other things (like your video games) and just as you 'expect' your wife to find a way to pay for things she wants (like an expensive birthday party in the city for your daughter) so stop with the BS on that topic, it's not that important to you...or you would have already found a way to pay for it..

Just as with counseling, if it was that important to you, you would find a way to pay for it..just like others have done, but you don't want to do counseling, because it would require YOU to make changes and have to answer to the counselors for not doing anything..sure you've tried it before..and your wife didn't want to participate..but how much did YOU really want to participate when it came to making changes within yourself??

How much of it was they told you things you didn't want to hear or didn't want to change so you quit?

Why not read this article by Dr. Harley?


How can you honestly say you really love your wife, if it seems that everything she does/doesn't do to meet your needs, you put a dollar amount on it??? That my dear friend is not love...

Simul Justus Et Peccator
“Righteous and at the same time a sinner.”
(Martin Luther)