Originally Posted by Accuray
My W is happy to stay in the marriage "as-is", she's not complaining about anything, other than the fact that I'm not happy and that she's not meeting my needs.

There is a chance that she has complained about some things in the past and has not received a satisfactory result and now feels that she should be content and not complain any more. And feels that you should do the same thing. smile

There are some things, somewhere, that can be "tuned up," improved, that will accelerate the rate at which you are depositing love units. She has probably mentioned this in the past, but it's possible she has kept completely quiet about it. In my area, many men and women feel that romantic love fades and that it is then your job as a husband or wife merely to be faithful and content.

But even if she believes something like that, there is still something you can tune up, and get past the romantic love barrier. That will begin to change her behavior, and eventually her beliefs.

I think the first thing to get going, if possible, is Dr. Harley's Policy of Undivided Attention. You seem to have been posting about it above. What is your plan to get her out on dates with you for more hours per week?

UA time will make the number one difference. There are four emotional needs that Dr. Harley designates as "intimate" emotional needs: recreational companionship, intimate conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment. These are the four he directs all couples to fill during UA time, regardless of what needs they personally prioritize, because they make the biggest deposits.

Now, a husband or wife in withdrawal (did you read the link on three states of mind in marriage?) will not feel open to these four intimate needs, and may take some convincing. But even if they start participating, they will quickly receive the love bank deposits and things will start to change. Meanwhile, they may think that their most important emotional need is "domestic support" or something similar. Whatever she identifies or complains about, meet that need, because every love bank deposit helps move from withdrawal into conflict and on toward intimacy.

You have a wife in withdrawal. Conflict is ahead, if you can get her involved in letting you make love bank deposits.

Take that woman out on a date!! Do you think you could get her out 3-4 times next week?

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.