Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 77 of 88 1 2 75 76 77 78 79 87 88
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Another great clip.
Please listen to this clip on blaming.

Tell us what you think.
Radio clip on the blame game

Tomorrow I might be able to listen. In the mean time I have a question for you all. How do you deal with untrue accusations, even if they are not all that important? Wife sent me a text in the afternoon and said I had left the A/C on. I said, it must have been from the night before because I didn't turn the A/C on when I came home for lunch. She said that she had turned it off when she left in the morning. My inclination as a very literal person is to get the story straight. In the past I probably would have insisted on truth no matter how trivial and inflamed my wife more than likely. I ignored it because in the end what possible good could come from me pursuing truth on something as silly as that? Have any of you encountered this regularly? Does it bother you?


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 44
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
In the mean time I have a question for you all. How do you deal with untrue accusations, even if they are not all that important? Wife sent me a text in the afternoon and said I had left the A/C on. I said, it must have been from the night before because I didn't turn the A/C on when I came home for lunch. She said that she had turned it off when she left in the morning. My inclination as a very literal person is to get the story straight. In the past I probably would have insisted on truth no matter how trivial and inflamed my wife more than likely. I ignored it because in the end what possible good could come from me pursuing truth on something as silly as that? Have any of you encountered this regularly? Does it bother you?

YES and YES. Not exactly the same but definitely similar.

I hope this is the kind of behavior that will be more likely simply not to become an issue if the other spouse gets on board--they will be hopefully actively trying to NOT love bust then. BUT I am still trying to sort out what is a reasonable complaint and what should be avoided for the sake of trying not to love bust. I certainly want my spouse to have right to make a complaint b/c I know its important. But how often does this need to be? Should uncertain things be brought up? And surely they should believe you if you say something? Like when you said that had not turned on the AC or a conversion along those lines that occured btwn my DH and me today.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Used to bother me a lot. Noe I realize my marriage is better served by a philosophy of "everyone's entitled to their opinions, even if wrong." Avoid trying to straighten your wife out like this. It's a lovebank withdrawal. She can still fall in love with you even if she holds opinions about you that you believe are mistaken. You may worry that her belief that you left the ac on is a lovebank withdrawal, but you will lose out worse trying to fix it. Respect her and respect this as a simple difference of opinion. Otherwise you will make her feel extremely unimportant.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
No, Jessica, your spouse is entitled to their own beliefs and should not have to believe something just because you say it.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Tomorrow I might be able to listen. In the mean time I have a question for you all. How do you deal with untrue accusations, even if they are not all that important? Wife sent me a text in the afternoon and said I had left the A/C on. I said, it must have been from the night before because I didn't turn the A/C on when I came home for lunch. She said that she had turned it off when she left in the morning. My inclination as a very literal person is to get the story straight. In the past I probably would have insisted on truth no matter how trivial and inflamed my wife more than likely. I ignored it because in the end what possible good could come from me pursuing truth on something as silly as that? Have any of you encountered this regularly? Does it bother you?

I started saying, "Thanks! I didn't know that."

It's truthful, it's kind, and it lets the other person feel heard.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,452
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,452
Likes: 4
Great clip on complaining.
Radio clip on how to complain


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 5,736
That or, "you may be right."

You are not saying they are, you are not saying they aren't. You are simply saying something to let it go.

How to DEAL with it internally is another matter. At some point, you have to be honest about how this little love buster impacts you.

The question is, do you believe she cares? (Not a DJ, I'm asking your opinion, your belief, we both know she could feel differently than you think/believe she does.) Is the cost of being honest worth the benefit you might get out of it. I.E. do you prefer being right, or married?

Yeah, you want both, but sometimes you can't have that.
Originally Posted by CWMI
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Tomorrow I might be able to listen. In the mean time I have a question for you all. How do you deal with untrue accusations, even if they are not all that important? Wife sent me a text in the afternoon and said I had left the A/C on. I said, it must have been from the night before because I didn't turn the A/C on when I came home for lunch. She said that she had turned it off when she left in the morning. My inclination as a very literal person is to get the story straight. In the past I probably would have insisted on truth no matter how trivial and inflamed my wife more than likely. I ignored it because in the end what possible good could come from me pursuing truth on something as silly as that? Have any of you encountered this regularly? Does it bother you?

I started saying, "Thanks! I didn't know that."

It's truthful, it's kind, and it lets the other person feel heard.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
Hi Hilltopper!

I don't make it around much anymore, work has exploded and I'm content to sleep a few hours and eat a meal or two a day lately, but I had to send the forum link to a friend dealing with an affair tonight and noticed you posting.

A book that I was forced to read for work that has helped me in my marriage was Crucial Confrontations/Crucial Conversations. There are two, and to me they promote a communication of keeping the conversation safe, learning to recognize when the other person is no longer 'safe' and communicating, and promote almost POJA throughout. They in no way replace Dr Harley's books or work, but they helped me be able to utilize POJA/PORH better with DH because of how I communicated. Some people, like my boss, just have this naturally. Me, not so much.

Good Luck!


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by CWMI
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Tomorrow I might be able to listen. In the mean time I have a question for you all. How do you deal with untrue accusations, even if they are not all that important? Wife sent me a text in the afternoon and said I had left the A/C on. I said, it must have been from the night before because I didn't turn the A/C on when I came home for lunch. She said that she had turned it off when she left in the morning. My inclination as a very literal person is to get the story straight. In the past I probably would have insisted on truth no matter how trivial and inflamed my wife more than likely. I ignored it because in the end what possible good could come from me pursuing truth on something as silly as that? Have any of you encountered this regularly? Does it bother you?

I started saying, "Thanks! I didn't know that."

It's truthful, it's kind, and it lets the other person feel heard.

Good call here. I like that model and will begin using it immediately.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by Enlightened_Ex
That or, "you may be right."

You are not saying they are, you are not saying they aren't. You are simply saying something to let it go.

How to DEAL with it internally is another matter. At some point, you have to be honest about how this little love buster impacts you.

The question is, do you believe she cares? (Not a DJ, I'm asking your opinion, your belief, we both know she could feel differently than you think/believe she does.) Is the cost of being honest worth the benefit you might get out of it. I.E. do you prefer being right, or married?

Yeah, you want both, but sometimes you can't have that.
Originally Posted by CWMI
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
Tomorrow I might be able to listen. In the mean time I have a question for you all. How do you deal with untrue accusations, even if they are not all that important? Wife sent me a text in the afternoon and said I had left the A/C on. I said, it must have been from the night before because I didn't turn the A/C on when I came home for lunch. She said that she had turned it off when she left in the morning. My inclination as a very literal person is to get the story straight. In the past I probably would have insisted on truth no matter how trivial and inflamed my wife more than likely. I ignored it because in the end what possible good could come from me pursuing truth on something as silly as that? Have any of you encountered this regularly? Does it bother you?

I started saying, "Thanks! I didn't know that."

It's truthful, it's kind, and it lets the other person feel heard.

See that is the key. I don't think she really cares and her Love Bank is the same as it was before she thought I left the A/C on. She has repeatedly said over the last 10 years of marriage, "You always have to be right." I used to respond, "Well honey there is truth and there is untruth. There is right and there is wrong." Major love buster. It is as if to say, "Well I'm sorry you want to believe in something that is false, you are a fool for doing so." No wonder she didn't like me back then. smile We had a similar discussion about weight loss last night. Sure there are a myriad of things that contribute to a successful weight loss journey, but for the most part it is in creating a calorie deficit. 3500 calories = 1 lb of fat and she wanted to know how many calories between now and our vacation she needed to burn with her BMI to lose X number of lbs. She did not see it the way I saw it. I'm smarter now than I used to be, so I shut my mouth on it till a little later in dinner when she got around to asking me to show her on my phone. Ding, ding, ding! It made perfect sense to her and so we created a chart that lasts 28 days to measure our progress. Difference is it was on her terms and it was done without being a know it all, condescending, lecturing jerk. hurray


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Hi Hilltopper!

I don't make it around much anymore, work has exploded and I'm content to sleep a few hours and eat a meal or two a day lately, but I had to send the forum link to a friend dealing with an affair tonight and noticed you posting.

A book that I was forced to read for work that has helped me in my marriage was Crucial Confrontations/Crucial Conversations. There are two, and to me they promote a communication of keeping the conversation safe, learning to recognize when the other person is no longer 'safe' and communicating, and promote almost POJA throughout. They in no way replace Dr Harley's books or work, but they helped me be able to utilize POJA/PORH better with DH because of how I communicated. Some people, like my boss, just have this naturally. Me, not so much.

Good Luck!

This is kind of like picking and choosing your battles. Whereas we can't control our emotions and reactions to certain things, we CAN control how we respond to them with our brains. My heart told me to immediately point out an untruth, but my brain knew that keeping the conversation safe meant to take the high road. In addition my brain told me that there was no benefit in choosing to fight this battle whatsoever and that my wife's love bank and mine would both fall had I pursued it.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
This is kind of like picking and choosing your battles. Whereas we can't control our emotions and reactions to certain things, we CAN control how we respond to them with our brains. My heart told me to immediately point out an untruth, but my brain knew that keeping the conversation safe meant to take the high road. In addition my brain told me that there was no benefit in choosing to fight this battle whatsoever and that my wife's love bank and mine would both fall had I pursued it.

hurray

One thing my wife and I noticed after we got committed to not trying to straighten each other out, was that our children tried to do that to each other (and to us) all the time.

So now one of the things we are constantly saying is "Hey, don't try to straighten your brother out." And we hear hysterical cries from little guys of "S said .... " and we patiently reply "Just say 'Okay, S,'" and slowly but surely we are turning the hysteria off and raising kids who might be really nice and respectful adults some day.

It's really something to me when I see my own bad behavior executed by my child. Magnified, and done in a six year old way. smile

Teaching them serves as a reminder to me that it's okay if other people are "wrong" (i.e., remember something different from me) from time to time.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
See that is the key. I don't think she really cares and her Love Bank is the same as it was before she thought I left the A/C on. She has repeatedly said over the last 10 years of marriage, "You always have to be right." I used to respond, "Well honey there is truth and there is untruth. There is right and there is wrong." Major love buster. It is as if to say, "Well I'm sorry you want to believe in something that is false, you are a fool for doing so." No wonder she didn't like me back then. smile We had a similar discussion about weight loss last night. Sure there are a myriad of things that contribute to a successful weight loss journey, but for the most part it is in creating a calorie deficit. 3500 calories = 1 lb of fat and she wanted to know how many calories between now and our vacation she needed to burn with her BMI to lose X number of lbs. She did not see it the way I saw it. I'm smarter now than I used to be, so I shut my mouth on it till a little later in dinner when she got around to asking me to show her on my phone. Ding, ding, ding! It made perfect sense to her and so we created a chart that lasts 28 days to measure our progress. Difference is it was on her terms and it was done without being a know it all, condescending, lecturing jerk. hurray

Threadjack: you sound like a man who's read the Hacker's Diet.

Learning to have a respectful conversation is an amazing process. You are right, there is truth, and there is untruth. But it's just amazing to sit and talk with someone who believes something completely different about truth, and put the conversation into a mode of "I want to understand what you believe, and why, and I want to be able to explain it, in my own words, from your point of view."

Part of the key is what Dr. Harley has in his article on religious differences / respectful persuasion on this site: willingness to be persuaded. That's hard to do when you are convinced you are right, but giving your wife the opportunity to persuade you opens incredible doors by showing immense respect.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 44
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2012
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
See that is the key. I don't think she really cares and her Love Bank is the same as it was before she thought I left the A/C on. She has repeatedly said over the last 10 years of marriage, "You always have to be right." I used to respond, "Well honey there is truth and there is untruth. There is right and there is wrong." Major love buster. It is as if to say, "Well I'm sorry you want to believe in something that is false, you are a fool for doing so." No wonder she didn't like me back then. smile We had a similar discussion about weight loss last night. Sure there are a myriad of things that contribute to a successful weight loss journey, but for the most part it is in creating a calorie deficit. 3500 calories = 1 lb of fat and she wanted to know how many calories between now and our vacation she needed to burn with her BMI to lose X number of lbs. She did not see it the way I saw it. I'm smarter now than I used to be, so I shut my mouth on it till a little later in dinner when she got around to asking me to show her on my phone. Ding, ding, ding! It made perfect sense to her and so we created a chart that lasts 28 days to measure our progress. Difference is it was on her terms and it was done without being a know it all, condescending, lecturing jerk. hurray

Keep it up!

And you'll have one lucky wife. I'd love for my husband to learn this smile

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
See that is the key. I don't think she really cares and her Love Bank is the same as it was before she thought I left the A/C on. She has repeatedly said over the last 10 years of marriage, "You always have to be right." I used to respond, "Well honey there is truth and there is untruth. There is right and there is wrong." Major love buster. It is as if to say, "Well I'm sorry you want to believe in something that is false, you are a fool for doing so." No wonder she didn't like me back then. smile We had a similar discussion about weight loss last night. Sure there are a myriad of things that contribute to a successful weight loss journey, but for the most part it is in creating a calorie deficit. 3500 calories = 1 lb of fat and she wanted to know how many calories between now and our vacation she needed to burn with her BMI to lose X number of lbs. She did not see it the way I saw it. I'm smarter now than I used to be, so I shut my mouth on it till a little later in dinner when she got around to asking me to show her on my phone. Ding, ding, ding! It made perfect sense to her and so we created a chart that lasts 28 days to measure our progress. Difference is it was on her terms and it was done without being a know it all, condescending, lecturing jerk. hurray

Threadjack: you sound like a man who's read the Hacker's Diet.

Learning to have a respectful conversation is an amazing process. You are right, there is truth, and there is untruth. But it's just amazing to sit and talk with someone who believes something completely different about truth, and put the conversation into a mode of "I want to understand what you believe, and why, and I want to be able to explain it, in my own words, from your point of view."

Part of the key is what Dr. Harley has in his article on religious differences / respectful persuasion on this site: willingness to be persuaded. That's hard to do when you are convinced you are right, but giving your wife the opportunity to persuade you opens incredible doors by showing immense respect.

So true, so true. Part of the reason that my wife always told me that I make her feel stupid is because guess what? I DID! Who in their right mind would want to spend time with someone that would consistently make them feel stupid? I know I wouldn't and neither would my wife. If my wife asks me how something works I'd love to tell her, but providing unsolicited commentary on something she might say that I believe to be false in an effort to educate or belittle her is a big giant No No!


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,452
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,452
Likes: 4
Hill,

Have you ever gone back and reread your thread and seen how far you've grown?

From an outsider it's educational. smile


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Hill,

Have you ever gone back and reread your thread and seen how far you've grown?

From an outsider it's educational. smile

Yes I did that awhile back. Not sure why my thread has traction, probably because we had my wife Tgrace posting for a good 4-5 months and it was heated! smile


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
So true, so true. Part of the reason that my wife always told me that I make her feel stupid is because guess what? I DID! Who in their right mind would want to spend time with someone that would consistently make them feel stupid? I know I wouldn't and neither would my wife.

You're figuring this out. smile

Prisca used to complain that I would talk circles around her. I honestly had no idea what she meant. She meant this! I haven't heard this complaint in a while, so I hope that that means I'm doing better.

Quote
If my wife asks me how something works I'd love to tell her, but providing unsolicited commentary on something she might say that I believe to be false in an effort to educate or belittle her is a big giant No No!

I love Dr. Harley's "no unsolicited advice" policy. It's goof for all of life! smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,164
Originally Posted by markos
I love Dr. Harley's "no unsolicited advice" policy. It's goof for all of life! smile

So is spellcheck...oops, that was unsolicited smile



Me - 44
DW - 39
Married 16 years
DS10
DS6
DD4
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 740
Originally Posted by markos
Originally Posted by Hilltopper1972
So true, so true. Part of the reason that my wife always told me that I make her feel stupid is because guess what? I DID! Who in their right mind would want to spend time with someone that would consistently make them feel stupid? I know I wouldn't and neither would my wife.

You're figuring this out. smile

Prisca used to complain that I would talk circles around her. I honestly had no idea what she meant. She meant this! I haven't heard this complaint in a while, so I hope that that means I'm doing better.

Quote
If my wife asks me how something works I'd love to tell her, but providing unsolicited commentary on something she might say that I believe to be false in an effort to educate or belittle her is a big giant No No!

I love Dr. Harley's "no unsolicited advice" policy. It's goof for all of life! smile

Yes there are too many parallels between Markos/Prisca and Hilltopper/Tgrace aren't there? She frequently would tell me that I would present arguments as, "Well I'm sorry, but the facts are just the facts." It was as if to say, "Well I'm sorry you feel that way, but you'll have to stop feeling that way immediately because I've figured it all out myself for you so you don't have to." Ugggh, gross behavior.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Page 77 of 88 1 2 75 76 77 78 79 87 88

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 252 guests, and 86 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Rjack, russelltonya, arielwilson, Debby Woman, Comfortable Shoe
71,850 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5