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Thanks Jen, same to you smile

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RQ, you will do well on your own with you children, as you have done before. I admire your strength and perseverence, most of all your grace with which you have handled your situation. You are a very strong person, and you've recognized for yourself when you've had enough. Think of how much stronger you will be when you are away from your WS's hurtful lovebusting behavior.

May peace and love be with you and your family.

IARTQ


Married 31 years, 5 kids, 4 GK



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Thank you, IARTQ.

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We're all pray ing for you right now.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Thank you, karma.

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Are you exchanging romantic text messages with your ex husband?

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HDW, RQ is in Plan B. You posting on her thread in this manner is a way for Kiss to slip through the cracks and get to her, whether it was his intention or not. I am no Plan B expert but it doesn't seem appropriate.

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Locking thread for OP's protection.


*****Thread unlocked at member's request************
*******************JustUss**************************

Last edited by JustUss; 01/14/13 01:02 PM. Reason: unlocked by request
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Hello everyone, Kiss and I have been doing really well. We have been trying to get in those 15 hours and meet each other's needs. Kiss has been locking up his boundaries tight.

We have run into a conflict though. Long story short. For the last year or so, I was planning on going on a trip to Cancun for my 40th birthday. My Mom went and booked the ticket but Kiss does want me to go. I'm not happy about it but can understand to a point why. Yes, I am feeling resentful about it. After all, he went away for a 3 day bachelor party last year that I wasn't happy about. I would be with my parents and DD17 who is graduating in a few months. So my Mom, got credit for the ticket at least and now I'm not going frown I feel if I understood better his reasons, my resentment might not be so bad. And if we can come to some alternative solution, I might not feel like I'm getting the short end here. But he has refused to discuss it more or come to a solution that I feel good about.

The other problem is that when we were discussing this , Kiss said that this is why he doesn't complain to me about something. Because he knows "how you get". I told him that was a huge DJ and that he needs to discuss things with me if he is not happy. After all, that is how his affair started. He was unhappy and didn't tell me. I feel like, once again, the ground that I thought was sturdy is actually shaky and that scares me.


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Hi Rocketqueen,

First of all, congrats on your milestone year! What a wonderful present from your parents. Certainly I can understand your disappointment. frown

Given that MB strongly discourages separate vacations, I am not sure what would be accomplished by Kiss detailing his objections for you. It would seem to be pretty basic, no? If your point is to reach an agreement where you would go without him, surely you can see that that would be unadvisable? I think you know that going on this trip, especially at this point in your Recovery, is problematic.

The resentment is understandable, because you have not yet found an acceptable substitute, and KISS should be looking for other ways to celebrate your birthday. But, so should you. When can the two of you go away on a similar trip?

Getting into an MB-state-of-mind has its challenges. Taking a vacation with your parents and daughter for your birthday would seem to be wonderful to 99% of people. But it doesn't seem to be in line with MB principles, does it?

You know the old saying - in for a penny, in for a pound? I think this counts as one of those times.

ETA: my response is (mostly) predicated on the assumption that KISS cannot go with you.


Last edited by kerala; 01/27/13 12:01 PM.
kerala #2702374 01/27/13 11:49 AM
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Originally Posted by kerala
Hi Rocketqueen,

First of all, congrats on your milestone year! ]Thank you! What a wonderful present from your parents. Certainly I can understand your disappointment. frown

Given that MB strongly discourages separate vacations, I am not sure what would be accomplished by Kiss detailing his objections for you. It would seem to be pretty basic, no? If your point is to reach an agreement where you would go without him, surely you can see that that would be unadvisable? I think you know that going on this trip, especially at this point in your Recovery, is problematic.

Where I stand right now, I am quite disappointed that I can't go. In fact, I don't like being told that I can't go. My taker is pissed about it. I feel like I have not done anything dishonest or untrustworthy, so why can't I go? I'm not saying that this is right but just how I feel. In my head, I know that it would hamper recovery. Though my resentment seems to be doing that already.

Originally Posted by Kerala
The resentment is understandable, because you have not yet found an acceptable substitute, and KISS should be looking for other ways to celebrate your birthday. But, so should you. When can the two of you go away on a similar trip?

It is unlikely we will be able to go on a similar trip. We can't afford it and are looking to move this summer, so money will be tight for awhile.

Originally Posted by Kerala
Getting into an MB-state-of-mind has its challenges. Taking a vacation with your parents and daughter for your birthday would seem to be wonderful to 99% of people. But it doesn't seem to be in line with MB principles, does it?

You know the old saying - in for a penny, in for a pound? I think this counts as one of those times.


Thanks, I'm working on it. I don't think I realized how much IB I have. I am trying to change that and will have to remember to look at Kiss' perspective before I consider doing something.

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I contacted the radio show about a similar situation. Parents paying for all inclusive beach vacation that dh didn't want to go on. In this case he was resentfully agreeing to me going on my own.
Dr Harley said that memorable moments need to be spent with ones spouse. He gave up camping ( that he loved) because Joyce hates it. The point is they found something else to do together that they both enjoy.
Dr Harley told me that because it was my husband not wanting to go the onus was on him to try to come up with a solution where he would be happy going. Barring that, we both would have to come up with alternate suggestions that would be mutually agreeable. The key being to think outside the box.
He suggested a notebook for each of us to aid in brainstorming and that the conversation would have to be pleasant. No raised voices.
My sister heard the program and started to follow this advice and her husband is repaying the respect she is showing him( taking into account his feelings) by being more open to negotiate.

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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Where I stand right now, I am quite disappointed that I can't go. In fact, I don't like being told that I can't go. My taker is pissed about it. I feel like I have not done anything dishonest or untrustworthy, so why can't I go? I'm not saying that this is right but just how I feel. In my head, I know that it would hamper recovery. Though my resentment seems to be doing that already.
something.

Completely, 100% understandable!

I am so sorry the two of you would be unlikely to swing a similar vacation on your own.

Would your parents be at all amenable to postponing their very generous and lovely gift to a time when KISS COULD accompany all of you? Would it be more feasible if all you had to pay for was his outlay?

ETA: Or, would your parents by willing to cover the cost (for you) of a more modest but equally enjoyable trip for your and KISS to take. You could frame it as a b-day/marriage building present. Perhaps a bit out there smile....just trying to think of ways for you BOTH to get what you want.

Last edited by kerala; 01/27/13 01:33 PM.
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Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
My Mom went and booked the ticket but Kiss does want me to go. I'm not happy about it but can understand to a point why. Yes, I am feeling resentful about it. ..

...I feel if I understood better his reasons, my resentment might not be so bad. And if we can come to some alternative solution, I might not feel like I'm getting the short end here. But he has refused to discuss it more or come to a solution that I feel good about.

The other problem is that when we were discussing this , Kiss said that this is why he doesn't complain to me about something. Because he knows "how you get". I told him that was a huge DJ and that he needs to discuss things with me if he is not happy. After all, that is how his affair started. He was unhappy and didn't tell me. I feel like, once again, the ground that I thought was sturdy is actually shaky and that scares me.
He did tell you that he is unhappy about this and doesn't want you to go, and you are sulking. You are showing your resentment all over your face, so from what you are saying here, he was right to fear telling you that he did not want you to go.

You can't have it both ways. You can't want openness and honesty from him and then at the same time sulk and act moodily and make him even more unhappy that he spoke at all. He is now refusing to discuss it more because you have already made discussion of this issue unpleasant. You've turned this into a fight, which has been destructive to your marriage these past few days, as fighting always is.

A trip like this would be wrong and harmful to your marriage. Kiss does not need to have a deep discussion with you to explain why he feels unhappy about it. It's wrong, and he did the correct thing to ask you not to go. It doesn't matter what you each did in the past; you know now that some of what you did was bad for your marriage, so why would you want to keep doing it?

You have made it unsafe for Kiss to discuss this topic, so if you want to come to an agreement about some other kind of celebration it is going to be up to you make to make some suggestions and make it clear that negotiations will be safe and pleasant, and that Kiss will not be punished for making his feelings known. Of course he's not going to go there again the way this has gone so far!

It's time to grow up, stop sulking and let this drop. You are in danger of using your resentment to punish him because you think he owes you because of his affair.

Ask me how I know this.

Yours,

The Resentment and Sulking Queen.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
kerala #2702392 01/27/13 01:38 PM
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Originally Posted by kerala
Getting into an MB-state-of-mind has its challenges. Taking a vacation with your parents and daughter for your birthday would seem to be wonderful to 99% of people. But it doesn't seem to be in line with MB principles, does it?

Good advice on this thread! I agree that 99% of people would think this would be a great idea, because most people have bad marriages. And this is one of the reasons why. I cringe when people tell me they are taking separate vacations because I know the harm they are inflicting on their marriage. Taking separate vacations is not "in-line" with having a great marriage.

RQ, it is hard to break bad marriage habits and I understand your disappointment. I figure if *I* can learn to abandon independent behavior, then anyone can. There is no activity, no nothing, that can compensate for a happy, romantic marriage. When your marriage gets stronger, you won't even consider taking a separate vacation because you won't want to be away from him.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Amen to Sugarcane!!!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
... SNIP.... When your marriage gets stronger, you won't even consider taking a separate vacation because you won't want to be away from him.

Yes, yes, YES! That's where we are...finally. We don't like the idea at all even being apart on a weekend day for a few hours, much less a few days. When recovery finally takes over and the "new" marriage takes its place over the "old" marriage, you are absolutely hooked on being together, just for the sheer enjoyment of each others company.

People in our lives will bring up the occasional spousal absence and say that "it's so nice to have the house to myself for a change." And don't we get "tired of being together." We used to feel that way, too, but we haven't felt that way in the two years we have been in recovery. We never want to go back to what we had before.

That your H is up front and honest with you is great, even though it means it will hamper your ability to do some of the things you enjoy doing. Once you find new things to do together, you will likely not miss the old independent ways of doing things.


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I agree. My H and I love being together.

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
Mae_1 #2702476 01/27/13 08:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Deborah_1
I contacted the radio show about a similar situation. Parents paying for all inclusive beach vacation that dh didn't want to go on. In this case he was resentfully agreeing to me going on my own.
Dr Harley said that memorable moments need to be spent with ones spouse. He gave up camping ( that he loved) because Joyce hates it. The point is they found something else to do together that they both enjoy.
Dr Harley told me that because it was my husband not wanting to go the onus was on him to try to come up with a solution where he would be happy going. Barring that, we both would have to come up with alternate suggestions that would be mutually agreeable. The key being to think outside the box.
He suggested a notebook for each of us to aid in brainstorming and that the conversation would have to be pleasant. No raised voices.
My sister heard the program and started to follow this advice and her husband is repaying the respect she is showing him( taking into account his feelings) by being more open to negotiate.

Deborah1, thank you for sharing your story with me. Earlier today, we were trying to come up with alternate solutions. But Kiss continued to talk about how I screwed up and that I should just go or I won't be happy. I realize that I screwed up. What we need to do now is come up with an agreeable solution that we are both happy with. I am open to negotiation. But right now, I just feel like I'm losing out.

kerala #2702477 01/27/13 08:11 PM
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Originally Posted by kerala
Originally Posted by Rocketqueen
Where I stand right now, I am quite disappointed that I can't go. In fact, I don't like being told that I can't go. My taker is pissed about it. I feel like I have not done anything dishonest or untrustworthy, so why can't I go? I'm not saying that this is right but just how I feel. In my head, I know that it would hamper recovery. Though my resentment seems to be doing that already.
something.

Completely, 100% understandable!

I am so sorry the two of you would be unlikely to swing a similar vacation on your own.

Would your parents be at all amenable to postponing their very generous and lovely gift to a time when KISS COULD accompany all of you? Would it be more feasible if all you had to pay for was his outlay?

ETA: Or, would your parents by willing to cover the cost (for you) of a more modest but equally enjoyable trip for your and KISS to take. You could frame it as a b-day/marriage building present. Perhaps a bit out there smile....just trying to think of ways for you BOTH to get what you want.

Well, my mom had already bought my plane ticket. She was able to get a credit for me (which would cost me $180 re-booking fee) to use in the next year. So at least it wasn't a complete loss.

My parents and Kiss are not ready yet to be on vacation together as there is still some hard feelings there. Though, my parents used to foot the bill for family vacations in the past and we always had a great time together!

I think the only solution is to plan a vacation for kiss and I sometime in the next year. We just need to find the funds and see if kiss can get time off from work, bth nearly impossible feats.

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