Yes, quite right. We were actually looking at moving before Kiss' A but he never followed through. Now, well, we'll see. It's been 16 months since D-day #1.

I hope KISS proves us all wrong, too.


I would love that to happen, in fact.

So I just stated reading "The Sexually Confident Wife"', a book Dr Harley has mentioned on the program. I'm 20 pages in and already tearing up. Not only because I can relate so much to it, but because it is triggering me as well because of the comparisons talked about between the wife and single women.
Ugh

Pressing on.....

Hoping to prove who wrong? Dr Harley?

So, my "scores" on the MPA (marital problem analysis)shows I need to work on the following EN's: SF (2=serious), IC (3=disappointing), H&O (3), DS (3) and admiration (3). The Lovebusters I need to work on are DJ's (3), AO's (3), annoying habits (3) and IB (3).

SF- I'm reading the book mentioned above and hope that will help.
IC- because I am not always communicative when I trigger or am upset about something he said or did.
H&O- same as above
DS- because I will start a task (vacuuming) and not finish (put it away), etc.

Except for the IB and the AO (referring to the one I had the night we discussed SF), I'm not clear on. I'm reviewing those chapters in LB's and will do the exercises.

Been feeling really good about the way things are going. We have had some great UA time. Went over some worksheets and had a good discussion the other night. We went out for dessert last night and are going bowling tonight!

I'm doing better with the SF thing and making kiss happy

We are planning to get out of town for a few days next month as kiss has a meeting he is supposed to attend in his previous store (where skank works). So we are creating an excuse for him to get out of it. Fortunately, his manager is onboard and helpful with keeping kiss' NC intact.

RQ,

You sound so very good.

I think I may have posted previously on your thread about my H and my experience with UA time. We charted it for 84 straight weeks. When it rarely dipped below 15 hours, we both felt bad. And it didn't even take more than one week. It happened almost immediately. The importance of UA time cannot be overstated. It is the foundation for everything else.

AM

AM

Yes, I agree AM. I saw your earlier post and at first it discouraged me a lot but I realized that we weren't making our UA a priority. I don't see how it is possible to meet your spouse's needs unless you give them your time. We have been working on scheduling our time and planning something to do so that way we actually DO IT! Even if it is just for an hour or two a day.

I know I feel bad when kiss is at work and I don't get to see him that night, so it is important to make the time we do have together count. We have both been focusing on no IB when we are home together as well. It has been helping a lot!

I posted that on 3/22 and I'm still in wait and see mode. Sigh

Our UA time has suffered this week due to 4 late nights at work and my youngest has had the flu since Monday.

But I'm still keeping up with his EN's as much as possible. No love busters (been finishing tasks and cleaning up) and been listening to the show daily. Go me!

Good for you on the ENs and LBs... but I wish you were not still waiting and seeing! Sounds like someone (name begins with a K....) needs to take some ACTION.

We all know where the road paved with good intentions takes us...

Well, I went ahead and signed the kids up for summer camp. I couldn't hold off as the camp fills up and I wouldn't have anywhere for the kids to go, otherwise.

Boy am I struggling with feeling neglected by Kiss. UA time has been about zilch. I had been writing down days and time but he doesn't join me in this and so we don't plan put things to do. Am I supposed to do that as well.

Just not seeing any effort on his part in working on UA time and meeting my needs. He also hasn't gotten past page 10 of Lovebusters since we did the worksheets and only then, because I mentioned it.

I've been so frustrated that I have been withdrawing and just feel like giving up. I am getting exhausted from complaining, things get better and then back to status quo. Just don't know if I can get back in that driver's seat agian, ya know?

I have an appt with my IC tomorrow, hopefully she can motivate me to keep trying.

Edit: I almost deleted the post because of all my whining but then I figured, screw it, I'm entitled to whine.

You are MORE than entitled to whine, RQ. That is what we are here for.

Kiss seems like he wants things to change, and there have been a couple times where it seemed like he was getting there...and then he wasn't. I don't get it.

Thanks Karma

I'm sorry RQ, that must be so frustrating. One thing that stood out to me when I read about establishing new behaviours, was that they need to be reinforced by a reward. Seems unfair, but if you do get back into the driver's seat (seems you both are in withdrawal), you would need to lead him out of withdrawal back to intimacy. You do that by meeting his needs without expecting anything in return... let the giver have it's reign for a while. At the same time you would need to reward him for meeting your needs. How exactly you do that, well you would know best what he would consider a treat. Kinda like training a dog, huh? That's what I thought when I read it anyways. Can you at least engage him in POJA for some RC?

His habits do not include demonstrating care to his wife. He has to change his habits, and each time he snags, he feels like a failure. This makes it difficult for him to remain on track and motivated. That is HIS responsibility, though.

RQ is only responsible for her side of the street, and doing what she has been doing; creating the opportunities for him to make LB$ deposits.

The ultimate consequence of him not learning habits that demonstrate care towards his wife, is a wife that is no longer in love with him, ultimately in withdrawal, and that will divorce him.


And the clock is ticking...

Yep - that clock has been ticking for awhile now!

It seems to me that the only time Kiss steps up to the plate is when there is real threat that you're going to walk, RQ. But - the answer isn't to keep threatening, obviously, because the repeated notion of threatening just leads to boy who cried wolf syndrome.

The sad part is, you could just be totally spent one day - and really ready to walk - and Kiss will think it's just another threat - but it won't be. Then he'll try and do all the things he SHOULD be doing now ... But it will be too late.

I take it there's been no real work done on moving over the summer since you enrolled the kids in camp ....

The only thing I can really do (and have been doing) is continuing to meet his #1 EN of SF. Though that is getting harder to do with the lack of conversation, and affection before hand (you know, like a date??). I have been doing so with out expections, but again it comes to where I feel like I am rewarding him for "bad" behavior.

I will review HNHN so I can make suggestions to Kiss on how to meet those EN's for me. I know Dr Harley recommends a list of Affection do's and don'ts (so to speak) so I'll work on that.

My thoughts as well...

Well, I refuse to threaten. I haven't complained..yet. Because, as you said, it is the same pattern over and over. I will ask for us to do the EN questionniares and discuss them again. I just feel that its past due for him to actually step up to the plate and swing...without me putting the bat in his hand.

And no, still no action on making calls.