Just found the lyrics to this song and now I realize why I always teared up at this song. This man "gets it"!

I Will Wait - Mumford and Sons

And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

At my IC's urging, I completed an EN questionnaire to go over and discuss with Kiss. When he got up to the ranking of my needs, he told me that I did it all wrong. That my needs were different than they were last time and that they weren't supposed to change. I told him that I ranked them in the order of priority. Thy hadn't changed all that much.My top 2 were still my top 2 but I listed RC as #3 as I feel we need to spend more quality time together.

So, my question is, did I fill it out wrong? Do people's top needs change? And he also asked if that means that he does not need to meet the less important needs?

I explained to him that I ranked them in my order of importance and that I felt it was disrespectful of him to question my feelings about them. He had a "yeah, but" to almost the entire questionnaire.

Different factors can change the order of importance of your EN's.

For instance, having them not met at all may cause them to temporarily feel more important.

Being in a state of conflict or withdrawal may cause more intimate emotional needs to fall down the ladder - in conflict or withdrawal you won't be interested in letting him meet the needs for conversation, affection, SF, or RC. You won't want to talk to him, touch him, or be around him.

But, the program has a fix in order for that, doesn't it? A UA time minimum in which the four intimate emotional needs are to be met.

Secondary to that; while it is a good idea to try to meet our spouse's emotional needs the best we can, what is recommended is to look at the top 3-5 ENs and concentrate on meeting those needs expertly and consistently.

The goal is to make the largest and most efficient LB$ deposits possible.

I completed an EN questionnaire to go over and discuss with Kiss...he told me that I did it all wrong.

...based on his extensive and comprehensive knowledge of the psychological theory and methodology behind its development and implementation, no doubt!

NG! That is not likely to assist RQ's campaign to entice K to participate!

Yeah, kicking him in the butt will just drive his head farther UP!

That depends on what the definition of "is" is.

What are you doing up at 5:01am your time?

Never got to go to bed. NOC nurse no call/no showed.

I'm a....




It's alright, though. Next month on I will only work Sat/Sun doubles and have 5 days off each week!

So to be clear, the order or ranking of the top 5 needs may change based on other factors and the spouse should be working on accommodating those top needs as often as possible but not completely neglect the "lesser 5" ?

Thanks so for taking time to answer after a long sleepless night

Which I why I asked as kiss was arguing that dr Harley says that the top 5 needs DONt change. I disagreed with that based on my feelings and what I believe I had read on here before. So I needed some input from you all.

Thank you!

that the top 5 needs DONt change.


Well, personally, as compared to being a 22-year-old, today SF might still be my number 1, but at least I can SEE number 2 from there!

I finally gave up. Gave up on the idea of being able to control anyone but myself. Gave up thinking I can influence or motivate any kind of wanted behavior. It is certainly not easy for me let this go (control freak I am, I guess), but it is also a relief of giving up expectations.

But with that liberation, I feel I have also given up on hope. And that is sad. And I am so disappointed.

I have personally found that yes, my EN's have changed during the course of R. There are many stages in R in which EN�s can change.

We try to discuss how each of us are doing fulfilling each other's EN's bi-weekly and fill out a new EN's questionnaire about every 6 weeks or so.

I can see Dr. Harley�s point that EN�s may stay somewhat consistent over time when NOT going through R. Looking forward to the years to come, I am hopeful that my EN�s will become more consistent.

I would hope that KISS would be willing (and more importantly WANT) to monitor your EN�s closely and modify his approach to meeting them based on your needs.

In short, yes EN�s can change weekly..monthly..etc depending on the current dynamics and progress of your R.

I would also encourage KISS to focus on all of your EN's at this time and not just your top 2-5 at this time (R). Also, I would hope that he could simply be receptive to all your feedback and not 'yeah but you' to death.

In essence it shows his willingness to be flexible in accommodating you. Good lord, does he want you to be happy or not?

RQ do you think it might be time for another separation? Maybe it would be the kick in the @ss kiss needs? I don't know what the others would have to say about that. I think you should complain also. Why aren't you complaining? It doesn't matter if you've said it a hundred times before, kiss needs to know that it is not fixed yet. Well that's my opinion anyway.

Well, I am going to point out to you ... that the "hope" you have given up is your hope that you could control the outcome. What you are feeling is a vacancy where you stored that hope to wrangle the outcome. I am very familiar with that vacant feeling. Most of us are.

You have not given up happiness. Your have not given up your own goodness. You have not lost the ability to laugh, cry, smile.

Are you alive today? You appear to be alive.


"I have given up ON HOPE" <~~~~ In my opinion, you are afraid. You are are experiencing fear.

The false hope that you could manage the outcome if you just did "everything right" ..... has not worked out. Now there is a vacancy where that false hope once was. You are afraid of what might fill that vacancy.


I get it. I really do.
I had to go to Al-Anon to have this beaten into me.

Rejoice! You have come face-to-face with one of life's great lessons.
You are in control of your attitude about this.
You will be able to choose how you move forward after this realization.

20, thank you for the validation

I can just imagine that Kiss would feel frustrated. Concentrating on my top needs and then changing them, LOL.

My top 3 have remained the same, the ones I feel make the biggest love deposits. It's just the other 2 that he says has changed. And that is because DS doesn't deposit as many units as I thought they would

Betrayed, I finally realize that nothing I will do will change Kiss in any way. Not, separating for a short time, not complaining (which I do), not refusing to do something.

I have to let go of what I can't control.

Pepperband, thank you for those words. I do feel empty, and scared and a little lost too. Like "What do I do now??"

I don't feel joyful, just defeated.

You are alive. Be joyful for that.

Absolutely!

I'm sorry RQ!

If you feel you have done everything you can and kiss is just not putting in the effort to make you the center of his life, then it is time to let go, it is time to put the effort in your happiness.

You can't control Kiss, you can't control his actions, but you can control yourself and your actions. You can strive for your own happiness, and your children need to see you happy. It is not a marriage at all cost. It should be a marriage of happiness.