Well I would agree, don't do that. But I wouldn't get sidetracked on it. Stay on point that this needs to happen soon and this problem needs to be on the front burner if he wants to keep his marriage, because you don't intend to continue non-recovery. Just stay on point without F bombs. (I had to learn to do that, too!)

So maybe you start actively looking for a job and plan on moving?

Marko, there is nothing for me in Florida except my in-laws. I would be leaving my family behind. I hesitate to do that unless it was to improve the marriage.

Brainy, do you think that is what I should do?

Do you think if you did this, that kiss will see how serious you are about moving?

RQ, I hate to inflame an already tense situation, but you are absolutely certain that there is nothing going on (budding friendship) with any of the female coworkers currently, right?

The only reason that I ask is that when xWH started EA with OW3, he would work an awful lot and wasn't doing much marriage building.

That and this whole kiss is dragging the feet on doing anything about this job (almost seems like he is trying to turn it around on you now that there are issues coming up with your daughter not knowing what to do w/college).

I seem to recall some pages back that he was excited about a work outing at an amusement partk, without POJA'ing it with you -- despite the fact that he has posted on this very forum about lack of POJA on your side. He also had some issue with another female coworker a little while ago.

Just a lot of red flags...to me anyway.... He seems more interested in his job than his marriage...

He knows I'm serious. He knows that I willing to leave behind my family and job for a fresh start in our marriage and to work on our recovery.

It seems like we are all in a holding pattern, waiting for him and it us causing stress on me and my DD17.

Susie, I fully believe that was the case when we were looking to move in 2011. I'm fairly sure that there us nothing inappropriate going on at his job but there is no way for me to know for sure.

I think his job is his OW, as he gets admiration and accolades when he does his jib well.

Sorry for typos. I'm on a little phone screen.

RQ, is your family in the same town that you are currently living?

Yes, my immediate family are.

Let's summarize, shall we.....?

The idea is to move to a new location so Kiss can work LESS hours, and RQ work NONE, to allow for UA time, and right now the only options involve forfeiting ~$20K in stock, moving WITHOUT Kiss having a firm job offer at least equal to his position now (there was some chat about "maybe he can start parttime someplace), somehow supporting five folks on one salary, (but working fewer hours to accommodate that UA need). And, oh, yes, there is probable college tuition of some kind involved as well. Does that appear to be a fair summary?

I guess I missed the part about the unicorn coming to Kiss in a dream giving him the next "Power-Ball" numbers!

I'll dive into ***THE***recommendation that RQ unilaterally (as in POJA/***EDIT***) pack up the family and move to Florida without Kiss some other time.

Then, since things are up in the air, I'd hesitate to move out of state away from your support system and, I presume, a state retirement/pension.

Yes, other things that make this decision difficult.

NG, I think you make a good point in that there are many scenarios here. It would be a good idea for me to list them all out and the pros ans cons of each.

Right, I get that. You realize in this type of setting if any woman meets his ENs (admiration, IC, recreation) it will make MASSIVE deposits. I heard a radio show where a woman was having an affair with a coworker and Dr Harley said the male coworker was able to make huge LB$ deposits because she enjoyed her job, had fun with her cowkers, etc. That's why UA time is supposed to be the BEST time of the week, so that you two are able to make big LB$ deposits.

Again, this is why I am concerned that he seems more involved with his job than his marriage. If I am wrong, then tell me. This is just the sense I am getting from your postings and the fact that he doesn't seem interested in MB anymore.

How is your UA time? Are you two scheduling it weekly? Are you getting 20+ hrs and what is the quality of it? Would you say it's the best time of the week?

What is kiss's plan for his job? If you ask him, what's the plan, what does he say?

Exactly why kiss' affair happened among his terrible boundaries.


I can tell you that Kiss likes his job most of the time but he understands that it is NOT marriage friendly. He said he is willing to step down from his position for less hours (less time away from home). But his actions (or lack thereof) tell me differently.

Our UA time is about 10 hours a week. We have been managing about 2 date nights a week out of the house. Quality is usually very good though I am getting over a cold and our last date was hampered because of that. We have both been making an effort to be together and do something when he has the day off. The tough part is when he works nights then we don't see each other and if he works days, then he is falling asleep by 7. But our time together is definitely my best time of the week!

In the past it has been due to lack of scheduling, but more recently because of kiss's job. Is it continuing to be low because of the job?

So do you think it is kiss's best time of the week? Or do you think he enjoys his time at work more?

I am just trying to figure out why he has been dragging his feet on doing ANYTHING for so long when this seemed to be a priority to him before when he was posting here.

Have you periodically drop in on him at work? Does he still go do "recreational" type things (dinner, etc) things with his coworkers?

It has always been low because of his job, honestly. It was hard for me to schedule UA time because he wouldn't bring home his schedule. But that has been getting better and I have been doing better (and less resentful) about scheduling and planning things to do. I always ask Kiss for his input and he is always happy with what we do. In fact, he tells me he doesn't care what we do, as long as we are together. I feel that kiss's best time of the week is the time we spend together with our family time coming in second. I think work is not as important to him as our marriage is improved and the store he is in now does not have the "soap opera" atmosphere that his old store did.


I can't honestly answer why he is dragging his feet. He says things and makes promises but doesn't follow through on them.

I have dropped in on him a few times unexpectantly, though I should do so more often. He doesn't do anything recreationally with co-workers (subordinates)as that is not allowed. The only time he is in a social setting with other managers is if there is a meeting follwed by a business luncheon which is twice a year.


I appreciate your help, SusieQ.

OK, it doesn't sound like there is a budding EA in the works but as long as he has that job I would keep a very close eye on him and drop in on him to make sure.

Next....obviously, as has been discussed many many times on this thread, his job hinders your ability to get proper UA time in among other issues. You both have agreed that he needs to look for other employment in order to improve the marriage and he refuses to do anything about it. He has no plan and left to handle it on his own, he will do nothing.

This has been going on for over a year now at least?

What's the plan? Do you have one?

I'll hazard a guess on this one.

It's because his current way of life is easier and there are no imminent threats to said way of life.

Feel free, RQ, to correct me if I'm wrong.