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Yes, it was under "Resolving Marital Conflicts." I don't feel he gave an answer regarding what is the do nothing part: staying wide awake in bed, or getting up. It's the "not a deal breaker, but..." if you'd like to try to determine what the do nothing default is.
xFWW(me)-48 Married-14 years D-Day~23-May-11 NC- 14-Apr-11 1 DS 15 Online course July '11 to July '12 17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12 Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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Well, he has agreed to try the z-quil however I don't feel like he is enthusiastic about because he said he doesn't like taking something.
Markos- I don't feel that kiss would be willing to ask dr. Harley.
Lifetime learner - thank you for sharing!
I reiterated to kiss how hurtful it is to me and he said he understands. This is something we need to actively work on.
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Markos- I don't feel that kiss would be willing to ask dr. Harley. Have you asked kiss? It is disrespectful to assume.
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Markos- I don't feel that kiss would be willing to ask dr. Harley. Have you asked kiss? It is disrespectful to assume. Yes, our convo from this morning Me: maybe you should post to the forum and see what they suggest? Kiss: shouldn't that be a doctor?
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Posting on the forum is not the same as contacting Dr. Harley.
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Prisca, no disrespect intended, but are you familiar with kiss? Any poster here that knows him, knows that kiss would not do anything MB related.
He does not post, he does not read, he does not listen and he wouldn't willingly speak to Dr Harley.
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...unless his back was up against the wall.
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Rocketqueen, yes I am.
If you are so certain he will not do anything MB related, why ask us about negotiation? Why are you still with him, for that matter? Seems like, if that is the case, you have a bigger issue here than negotiating sleeping arrangements.
If you are going to even try negotiation, then it is essential that you do away with disrespect on your part. Which means NOT assuming what his reaction will be.
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Rocketqueen, yes I am.
If you are so certain he will not do anything MB related, why ask us about negotiation? Why are you still with him, for that matter? Seems like, if that is the case, you have a bigger issue here than negotiating sleeping arrangements.
If you are going to even try negotiation, then it is essential that you do away with disrespect on your part. Which means NOT assuming what his reaction will be. I thank you for your time.
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I'm at a loss as to what you want. Do you want to negotiate this with your husband?
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Markos and I negotiated a solution to a situation very similar to this. I have a hard time falling asleep, and he goes to sleep quickly and easily. I would often leave the bed to watch TV, and now no longer feel the need to. So it is possible to find a solution that makes you both happy.
But you're both going to have to be respectful of the other in order to do that. You're going to have to understand each other's point of view and desires, and it's going to take a LOT of brainstorming on both of your parts.
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Suggestions are helpful. What worked for you?
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The problem I see is his independent behavior. We can give you all the suggestions in the world, but the real problem is that when there is a disagreement, he just goes ahead and does what he wants anyway.
And you are putting up with him not doing anything MB related? Rocketqueen, I am so sorry to hear that. If I remember right, both HerPapaBear and I posted on his thread last year warning you to RUN because of stuff like this.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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RQ, I'm sorry you and K are (once again) not together operating creatively to manage what should NOT be a huge issue.
May I ask you a question?
You say that currently K will not participate in MB-related activities (as if we didn't know that based on his non-posting). Did he EVER enthusiastically "buy in" to the MB program - to the extent that HE was driving the UA time, HE was reading the books and online literature, HE was listening to the radio counseling?
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Never guessed, no kiss never bought into the program to that extent. He ever did finish love busters, nor has he read the articles, nor does he listen to the radio program. And I still schedule and plan UA time.
I have learned to accept that that is the way he is and I can not force him. It is disappointing and it does make leading the recovery bus difficult, but not a reason to leave him.
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Prisca, no disrespect intended, but are you familiar with kiss? Any poster here that knows him, knows that kiss would not do anything MB related.
He does not post, he does not read, he does not listen and he wouldn't willingly speak to Dr Harley. What?? This is news to me! I was under the impression that following MB was a requirement of yours and that he completely agreed. Yes, he doesn't post, etc, but I thought that was a combination of work schedule and just plain laziness on his part and you were working on boundary enforcement on your side. RQ, I have sensed a growing frustration from you in your postings. To me this is indicative of frustration with kiss and lack of progress in your M, rather than posters or the forums. I know I have posted Dr Harley's quote to you several times before regarding a life of misery when you have a spouse that doesn't POJA. I can post it again, but I really think you need to consider what he's saying because that's the path you are heading down. Sorry
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Suggestions are helpful. What worked for you? If kiss doesn't care enough to follow through on his promises to you after he almost wrecked your marriage with an affair, then suggestions for how to get him to negotiate one problem will just be putting a band-aid on a festering wound.
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The problem I see is his independent behavior. We can give you all the suggestions in the world, but the real problem is that when there is a disagreement, he just goes ahead and does what he wants anyway.
And you are putting up with him not doing anything MB related? Rocketqueen, I am so sorry to hear that. If I remember right, both HerPapaBear and I posted on his thread last year warning you to RUN because of stuff like this. Exactly. Not "buying into MB" for a wayward spouse is code for "I don't want to give up my IB" and "I don't to consider my spouse's feelings when making decisions". MB is not rocket science. It's actually pretty basic - it's about changing bad behavior that is damaging to marriage and that hurts your spouse. It's about developing new habits. It's commonsensical IMO for anyone whose M is a priority... So I am always super skeptical about the "don't buy into MB" statement, especially coming from a WS. Big red flag!
Last edited by SusieQ; 07/06/13 08:30 AM.
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For someone with long term insomnia, Benadryl can make it worse. Melatonin can be a better option for day to day use, Magnesium (I take Jigsaw w/SRT) helps some people. Benadryl can cause some serious anxiety and rebound insomnia, in some people. And, there are some great prescription options if he would pursue those. I take Magnesium and on the weekends I take Melatonin before bed. Through the week I rarely sleep more than 4 or 5 hours and I can get that without assistance!
Most of the time I'm up a few hours before DH. I'd love to be able to sleep soundly and for a full night, but that's OT!
Me: 30 Him: 39 Together 5 years Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman. 7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
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I'm listening and thinking about what ya'll have written. I'll post more later. Right now I'm taking the kids to the beach.
Viscountess- kiss has insomnia some nights, other nights he is falling asleep on the couch at 8pm. So I think an "as needed" solution would work. But as you guys said, it is a bandaid on his IB
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