You are right, kerala, he does. He doesn't normally go to customer's homes but there was a problem with an install. Kiss knows how to do installs so was able to fix the problem as well as document what was done incorrectly by the installer.

Brainy, I listened to this a few times today. Dr Harley's description of withdrawal sounds exactly what I cycle through. However, I am usually the one to pull myself out of withdrawal.

Unfortunately, I'm just not able to get my thoughts together right now to understand what Dr Harley is saying in this clip.

Which one was the third question?

It's this one.

Well, for me it was hope. I hoped that we would have a romantic, intimate marriage. And kiss showed promise at times. But I realize now that he is not the kind of kind that will share his feelings with me or anyone, that will respond to me if I talk to him about how I feel or think about things.

I once shared with him by e-mail one of pepperband's posts. It was a quote from Wild at Heart and its here somewhere on the forum. I asked him to tell me what he thought of it. I got no response from him. Months later, I sent it again. Again, no response.

So I gave up.

From your radio listening and other Marriage Builders study -

is that the advice that Dr. Harley usually prescribes to people in your situation?

So, I guess I might as well make an effort to work on our recovery. Why not, right?

I am kinda lost at where to even begin. I haven't brought up anything MB related since a couple of months ago when I asked Kiss to fill out an EN questionnaire as I wanted to make sure I was meeting his EN's. He said it wasn't necessary though as I have been.

I also stopped aking him if he was reading Lovebusters (I can tell he has not) and stopped asking if he had listened to the radio program that day (his answer was always "no")

So right now I am trying to focus on:

1. The Rule of Protection: Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness. (avoid all lovebusters, which I think I do well at it)

2. The Rule of Care: Meet your spouse's most important emotional needs. (SF is #1 for him. It still continues to be an issue for me. I try to meet it as much as possible but when I do meet it, I don't allow it to be intimate for me)

3: The Rule of Time: Give your spouse your undivided attention. (I give Kiss all of my "spare" time and do not engange in IB when he is home)

4. The Rule of Honesty: Be completely honest with your spouse. (I need to work on this one more as far as how I am feeling.)

After reading the thread about resentment, I realize now that my resentment is that mountain that Pepperband wrote about. I know I started with a pretty big mountain as it was and Kiss added more to the mountain with his TT last November. I feel he continues to add to it by not following through on what he had promised me in terms of helping me heal. But I know that I keep turning and looking at that mountain for whatever reason as well.

So, is my resentment holding me back and keeping Kiss from filling my LB? And if so, how do I let it go??

Do you remember that Jack Nicholson movie where he asks the room full of psychiatric patients "What if this is as good as it gets?"

I'm sure there are a ton of adages about acceptance and moving on and the like, but that's what comes to mind.

I don't think that anyone truly "let's go" of resentment. They just stop getting regular reminders of why it's there to begin with and, eventually, think of it less and less.

I saw that mentioned on another thread and it really made me think. I'm still thinking on it, actually. Obviously, I don't want this to be as good as it gets. But am I holding myself back or is he?? Will Kiss' betrayal always be a stone around MY neck?

I just can't figure it out.

To me, you're in some holding pattern waiting for him and your ideal of him to mesh.

I don't think it's some weird "I'm not letting deposits work" thing. That's why MB provides as much hope as it does: it's about keeping and restoring the feeling of being in love, not finding a way to just get by in life. It takes both people holding extraordinary care as the top priority, not just one. Kiss has to take extraordinary care for you, too. Typically, women respond with openess, warmth, care, and love when it is shown to them. What may be happening is that you don't have much to respond to in this way.

Again, I don't think it's a defect in you that you don't respond normally to care and love, I think you're not getting what you need.

You are not getting what you need. Quite frankly he is probably happy because you are no longer badgering him about MB...

Where is your limit?

I'm just not sure anymore what I need, I guess. I lost my focus somewhere along the way. I really need to sit down and think about where we are at.

Last week, Dr. Harley relayed that a husband who was reading HNHN's was so grateful for it because it gave him the words he needed to communicate his needs.

When you read it, does it feel like Dr. Harley does pretty well in describing what you need? Wherever he does, highlight that part - it could help communicate, but also help you to remember.

This Friday is my DD18's moving in day at college which is an hour and 45 minutes away. She is taking her car to the campus and I was to follow her with my van.

Now the dilemma is that DD18's father said that he wants to go. Kiss does not want me around my Ex. He doesn't even like us conversing.

I obviously want to go, her father wants to go. But Kiss would not be happy with us in the same car together.

I'm stuck. Help!

You and Kiss take your car, your ex-husband takes his.

My ex doesn't have a car.

ETA: Kiss wasn't planning to go, he is going to be home with the kids.

You're not at all stuck, rq. Your ex can't force you to take him in your car! This isn't even an issue!

Tell him no, you can't give him a lift, and leave it at that.

Yep!

Don't go borrowing troubles, RQ!

Ok, I told Ex I couldn't bring him. Thank you for the advice!! I have trouble saying no and trying to make things work, I guess.

I would feel the exact same way KISS does. Don't blame him one bit.

Can you two sit down and use this situation to practice POJA? Coming up with a solution that you are both happy with can be a bonding experience. I know you can do it.

Remember, you both have to be open-minded and not have your feet stuck in the sand when you brainstorm! We have been recently practicing asking for each other's reasoning behind their thoughts MORE than telling each other our own perspectives. A few weeks ago Dr. H really emphasized this on the radio show and it has stuck with me. Man, this one takes a lot of practice.