I will try to be brief. First background then question:
I'm the Wife in a 30+yr marriage. Homemaker for last 10+ yrs but with work experience. One grown dau married with 5yr old granddau. I keep the grandau while the "kids" work. We are very close and I treasure our time together.
I've read many books on marriage and tried for YEARS to help make ours better. I am DONE. DONE. DONE. Verbal abuse and manipulation and his refusal to get counseling have taken it's toll and I struggle with depression. If it weren't for God's love and my convictions, I wouldn't be here now.
We are both Christians. He's on the church board. He provides a good living (which takes up MUCH of his time and takes a toll on his health) and does "nice" things for me (like offer to fix breakfast etc) but is seldom physically affectionate and has ignored my statements for years regarding my need for his attention, time, etc. He offered minimal apologies for his angry outbursts (yelling and insulting me) but nothing more. After the last one he called me when he would normally be sleeping and told me God woke him up and told him to apologize. (He had told me to just leave and find someone else.) That was a wonderful breakthrough I though but there's really been no change so another outburst afterwards was the last straw. This was a month or two ago. I've been distant to avoid his anger. I've promised myself it will not happen again...and if it does I will remove myself immediately from his presence.
I have taken good care of myself and am told I'm attractive. I've worked on myself character wise to be sure I'm being reasonable and using the right methods to talk things out. He just uses everything I say against me. I have apologized for things I've done that hurt him and done my best to avoid doing those things in the future. He seems bitter and unforgiving and has a wall built around him that I've given up getting him to take down. I no longer desire to be around him or talk to him due to dread of having to deal with his anger. He does seem to be happier, and less angry when I don't speak to him much. (I'm not giving the "silent treatment" but making small talk as with any other casual friend or asking easy yes/no questions about necessary things.)
I have read MB's material in the past and tried to get him to do it with me. No go. Recently I read about plan A and B. I feel like I've tried plan A and am ready for plan B. (Leaving.) I don't really want a divorce but am so ready to be free from this dread and sadness and loneliness.
HOWEVER, if I get a job and move out, I won't be able to care for my granddaughter. This is very important for me and I know it is for Hub as well. (He told me he didn't want me working so I could be free to care for her.) I could possibly work weekends to bring in some cash but it wouldn't be enough for me to afford housing and such. I also don't want to ruin us financially.
SO the big question....is it unreasonable of me to think I could live on site (we have 20+ acres) in my own cabin and thus be separated from him? (We already plan to build one so we have a home that's paid for.) Should I still cook for him, do his laundry, shop for groceries and household items and keep the finances? Should I use my sewing machine, washer/dryer, fridge that are in the "main" house? What about keeping the kiddo? I don't want to upset the routine too much for her sake.
What about transportation and living expenses? I know the more I think about it the more it doesn't sound like leaving....but then maybe it would be enough to wake him up and get him to really work on the relationship? (I wouldn't agree to move back in until we'd been in counseling a while and made sure we were on the right track to a healthy marriage.) If not, I'd feel as though I'd done what I could. I really don't want a divorce but simply MUST find a way out of this stress.
Meanwhile, I'm trying reduce what I own, selling equines and thinning out my clothes and such to make it easier to manage through a transition.
I considered a counseling appointment with MB but at $225 per session I was wondering how many it would take. Also doubted how much it could help since he refuses to go with me.