Thank you BrainHurts for the link. I don't know that I've followed that exact protocol but have been trying for years to make things better. I don't have the emotional energy now to keep trying. I find that when I'm "in the drivers seat" so to speak with the relationship...all that gets is blame. Since I'm the one trying and it's not working, I must be the one to blame. He has told me for years he will never trust me, never open to me, etc and I should have believed him when he said it. I asked him how we could have a relationship with an attitude like that and he admitted he didn't know. So it's been me trying to make a one sided relationship work and I can't take it anymore.
Unwritten, thank you for your reply. I really don't want to give up spending this time with my granddaughter. For various reasons....including the fact that her parents don't always choose good places for her to go when she's not with me.
My hub is not physically abusive...though the verbal abuse does make me fear that it could someday come to physical. Maybe it's just the devil or my weakness as a woman that makes me fear this?
As for a bad example to the granddaughter, it is a concern. So far, all I can remember is one instance when we were in town (the 3 of us) and deciding on a place to go out to eat. He was yelling and accusing when I questioned what I would get at a particular restaurant. I was diagnosed with gluten intolerance and he said it was a farce and that I was just putting on and would eat whatever I wanted. The granddaughter was only 3 or 4 at this time but knew there was trouble as I gave her paper and pen to draw with and she drew me a cute pic of a cat to cheer me.
Other than that, hub is more supportive with the grandkid than our own kid. He will tell her to thank me for the good supper and for caring for her and the like.
His abuse is very subtle most of the time. My eyes have been opened in recent years to even calling it abuse and I'm SURE he would think I was really blowing things out of proportion to use that word. He will put me in the middle and attempt to control by guilt. That nearly destroyed me before I figured out what was going on.
I was surprised by our pastor's wife's reply when I asked about the husband being responsible to teach the children respect for the wife. My husband didn't do this and my dau tends to be disrespectful in the same subtle but very hurtful ways. The pastor's wife said this is a form of abuse. I hadn't told her about the verbal abuse in our home and it was like a conformation that what I suspected was correct. Her reply came as a surprise because it seems that many times when a woman leaves her husband, those in my church (mostly men) see it as the woman leaving the faith and give little thought to what the husband did to cause it.
I could give many examples but not sure that's what's needed. I just feel that words will not make any difference now and I obviously don't have the right "tools" (Strength, knowledge, whatever) it takes to make things work. I also have no support group at all. Few friends and even fewer who want to "help" (get involved) with something like this.
I just don't want to admit that the price for my mental well being is to give up caring for my granddaughter. Perhaps I should go for a divorce and try to get enough in the settlement that only part-time work would pay the bills and allow me to stay home with her when she needs me.
The alternative is to stay in the current situation, do nothing and try to bear it but I can't take it anymore.
I don't want to cheat and don't think I'd end my own life but I fear those things on the very low days.
I ask myself, how did I get here...to this place of such pain and sadness?! All I wanted was to love and be loved. To really live, experience life...the simple life with time together, fun outdoors working and playing together. I'm not afraid of hard work and don't expect life to be perfect. It really doesn't take a lot to make me happy but to deprive a wife of love and affection and make her fear to trust you is the cruelest thing ever.