Figured it was time for an update. I'm at a very frustrated point right now but will try to keep this short and too the point:

We are managing to do the online program with hubby's laptop. Should know by end of week if I can rescue any pics or data off the other hard drive. I'm such a fool for not backing up all my pics.

I think we're practically done with watching the online seminar videos. We've signed the Memorandum. Hubs is a bit confused between Love Busters vs Emotional Needs. I prob would b too if this was the first I'd heard of it but I'd read up on the program some years ago. (I didn't let on to him that it was one I'd already tried to get him to do!)

I can't express in words how thankful I am that I chose the more expensive "coach included" option. I'm amazed at my feelings but hearing the MB stuff again and filling out the forms brings up so many negative memories for me I was feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. Coach Sandy said today that it's not unusual to feel that way. I told her I know this is good and we need to work on things but there's so much to be done and I don't have the emotional energy to drag stuff up and deal with it alone. She assured me she's available by email and phone and as soon as all the loose ends are tied up with the online vids, we'll have access to the "private" forum and Dr. Harley. Then begins the real work of repairing. May God be with us!

One thing that is hard is being totally honest but not being able to explain all the things that lead up to the way things are now. Things are getting weird now too. I saw some of his answers to the questionnaires (not snooping...just saw as I flipped over to my form) and he says I don't spend enough time with him!? I asked him for YEARS for more of his time and usually got anger instead of time. Now that I've been distant for a couple months he wants more time?! I have to remind myself to allow the program time to work and not just walk away but that was really irritating to me. There are other things too that are stressing me out but if I hashed each one out here, it would be a novel. LOL

So as I already mentioned, the "big" news is that the kids are planning to move out of state and this will end my keeping the grand kid while they work. I'm glad they'll be near the SIL's family there but it will be a huge adjustment for me. I'll sure miss those "baby" hugs. I think this has affected Hubby's POV on things too. He knows it would be easier for me to leave.

Why is it that he's nicer to me the more distant I am. That's like rewarding me for being distant. Is he trying to "win" me back? A few years ago he asked me if I loved him. I told him it was hard to when he yelled at me and didn't listen and all but that I respected our wedding vows and didn't believe in divorce. He made some comment about proving his love for me and he was nice for quite a while and of course it was easier to feel love for him but now that it feels like a game of cat and mouse. I'm tired of it all.

Anyway...thanks again for everyone being there for me. I shudder to think where I would be now had I not reached out. God bless you all!

currently enrolled in the online program with coach