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Originally Posted By: Prisca
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Is there a way to search for threads where women find ways to persuade men to do counseling?

You need to first prepare for a separation. Get yourself financially independent and have a new place lined up for yourself to live.

Then present him with the MB program. Give him that chance to do what it takes to keep you. If he refuses, then separate immediately.

If he has ONE MORE AO, separate immediately, even if you aren't fully prepared to separate. Insist that he goes to anger management for at least a year before you will consider living with him again. Insist that he talks to Dr. Harley (he can do that free, so if he won't even do that, I'm not sure he's worth recovering with). Dr. Harley can help you decide if and when your husband has truly eliminated his AOs and is safe to be around again.

What separation will do in your case is speed up what's already going to happen -- if he's ever going to step up to the plate to do what it takes to keep you, this will speed it up. But if he never was going to anyway, this will spare you the pain of watching your marriage slowly die.

Originally Posted By: ShineOn
I've asked him before if there's someone else and he says there isn't. I believe him because his job takes most of his time and he has back issues that seem to decrease his drive. I wondered about online porn but he doesn't seem to be trying to hide anything from me. He knows to delete history when done browsing but he's not what I'd term "computer savvy" so if there are other ways to check/monitor I could try them. (I would have to learn what to do as I've not done anything like it before.)

Don't trust him on this. Even non-tech savvy people can hide things online -- my husband is a computer programmer that works on a genius level, and I still was able to hide things from him.

So, get some spyware on his computer and phone. Get a VAR and put it in his car. You might consider a PI that can follow him if none of that turns anything up. Verify for certain that there isn't anybody else.


Ok..so my two threads were merged which makes it a bit confusing on page three but I'm happy to see more posts regarding my situation.

Thank you Prisca for this practical plan. I hope I don't have to use it (I have some news I'll post in a moment)but knowing there are people in my corner that are kind enough to help and understand is such a relief to me and I know if I have to take this route I'll have support. Putting my thankfulness into words is difficult but perhaps having been in a similar situation you and the others who have helped me understand what I mean.


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Originally Posted By: Elaina7
One other thought:
You should get a free consult with a lawyer...

You get half of all assets- half of all retirment, you will be entitled to his social security, maybe alimony and you might find yourself in a good position finacially where you can still help watch your grandaugter....

It is always a good idea to become educated on a decision that needs to be made (you arent filing, no paperwork just info gathering)
I think you would feel really good after you find out what you could walk away with.

And I would also put a keylogger on his computer.


Elaina7, Thank you for this input. You are right...before I make any decisions about finances it would be wise to know exactly where I would be in any given situation..(separation/divorce).
I'll look into the keylogger. I've heard of it but dont' know what it is.
BUT...I've had an answered prayer this weekend so....stay tuned. :-)


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Originally Posted By: Pearlseeker
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Q: I've been spending a lot of time reading MB. Is there a way to search for threads where women find ways to persuade men to do counseling? I *think* the online course may work for us...IF he will be honest with himself and the person we're assigned to work with.
I'm thinking the way to get him to agree to the course may be that if he doesn't I'm moving out. This will take some time though as I have many things that need to be done, finding homes for animals, housing, etc. I'd like more input on this point though so hope to find in previous threads or start a new thread to learn more.


ShineOn,

As a formerly reluctant husband with an anger problem (among others) I can say that nothing changes ones direction like running into a solid wall. She drew a line and said "things must change,I can't go on like this." It was/is very painful to hear such things but sometimes it's the only thing that works.

We are currently in the middle of the MB home study course. It's been a rough ride and sometimes it feels like we're barely treading water. At the beginning of the program I had no hope of my own that MB could make a difference for us. I was acting/moving forward entirely on faith in what others were saying. But today, halfway through this part, I am feeling somewhat hopeful. This program does work if followed in it's entirety.

I just want to confirm what the other posters are telling you, nothing other than a solid wall of resolve is likely to get his attention. Then he will either choose to work on your relationship or it will be over.

These folks give excellent advice.


Pearlseeker....I can't thank you enough for your response. You are right...it took a solid wall to begin a change. The problem is it's very difficult for me as a woman to be that strong. It only happened with the Lords Help.

I appreciate your entire response but I'm needing to leave for the day so time is short.

I will say that my "news" is that after about a month of me literally being as withdrawn as possible but still showing respect and doing basic chores God answered prayers (Hubs and Mine!) and this weekend we went away for an impromptu overnight and day of relaxing and exploring. (We both enjoy the outdoors) Of course I told him simply and briefly that Id' go as long as he didn't grouch at me. We had an enjoyable time though I am still somewhat guarded, which may just be the way I need to be for a long while, there is cause for hope.


When I mentioned MB, he said he'd heard of them on the radio or something. (He drives long hours for his job) After talking for a few minutes and hitting some highlights of the program and discussing some general issues married couples encounter HUBBY AGREED to do the online course with me! PRAISE THE LORD.

I'm not young and dumb enough to think this is the end of all our troubles (and I thank you PS for your honest comments about working through the program) but it is a start and there is as your signature says....optimistic hope. :-)

I will read and comment more later. Thank you again dear fellow travelers for your time and assistance. May God Bless each of you. Thank you to those who prayed for us. God IS Faithful and Good. I've only been on this board for a few days and the Monday before I posted I was so sad I struggled all day with a huge emotional weight. I would have cried if it would have helped. I just wanted to disappear or somehow be transported to a place where I could feel loved and cared for. This board was an answered prayer and I'm sure it will be a huge asset as we go on the MB journey to a healthy marriage.

<<HUGS>>> to my MB friends :-)


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Awesome!

I would call and sign up immediately because it might be possible to receive the package before Friday (ask the AMB office.) If so, then I would suggest clearing your entire holiday weekend to focus on the beginning part of the program and Intro Video.

It's really cool.

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Great point DidntQuit! It is a long weekend.
I ordered program 3 last night. (Thought about just getting materials to save some $ but knowing us and human nature thought it best to have a coach for accountability and to answer any questions.)
Hoping to do vids this weekend as suggested by one of Doc's articles. My desktop computer died this morning so hope it will be fixed or that I don't need it to work on the program


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That's great that your husband is willing to try! Mine is saying that the program is "my way" and he is not doing things my way. I have tried to explain that it is the professionals way, not mine, but he refuses to see it that way. I am to the point of needing to separate. Just wanted you to know there are so many people out there that understand where you are coming from. The part that is just so hard is that my kids are 5 and 2. Oldest just started kindergarten and he thinks family is everything, he wants all 4 of us to do anything we ever do. I am glad that we have managed to raise him that way, and am scared of what a separation could do to him now.

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Quote:
Pearlseeker....I can't thank you enough for your response. You are right...it took a solid wall to begin a change. The problem is it's very difficult for me as a woman to be that strong. It only happened with the Lords Help


ShineOn,

You're welcome. I can only imagine how difficult it must be, I'm glad you felt able with the Lords help!

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Originally Posted By: ShineOn
Great point DidntQuit! It is a long weekend.
I ordered program 3 last night. (Thought about just getting materials to save some $ but knowing us and human nature thought it best to have a coach for accountability and to answer any questions.)
Hoping to do vids this weekend as suggested by one of Doc's articles. My desktop computer died this morning so hope it will be fixed or that I don't need it to work on the program


If the materials haven't changed since we did it a few years ago, there is some signing in by computer to fill out and submit forms.

You can still watch the DVD video portions but they ask you to stop at points and fill things out before continuing with the next section.

It is helpful to focus on it for the weekend, with some UA time breaks in between for lunch or walking.

It would be great if you could find computer access. Hopefully your husband has one. Maybe you could take turns using his.


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Originally Posted By: DidntQuit
Originally Posted By: ShineOn
Great point DidntQuit! It is a long weekend.
I ordered program 3 last night. (Thought about just getting materials to save some $ but knowing us and human nature thought it best to have a coach for accountability and to answer any questions.)
Hoping to do vids this weekend as suggested by one of Doc's articles. My desktop computer died this morning so hope it will be fixed or that I don't need it to work on the program


If the materials haven't changed since we did it a few years ago, there is some signing in by computer to fill out and submit forms.

You can still watch the DVD video portions but they ask you to stop at points and fill things out before continuing with the next section.

It is helpful to focus on it for the weekend, with some UA time breaks in between for lunch or walking.

It would be great if you could find computer access. Hopefully your husband has one. Maybe you could take turns using his.



H and I just did this a couple weeks ago. The whole first portion, the seminar, you watch online through a web address they will send you. The forms Didnt is talking about are also online. We didn't get an actual DVD of the seminar, just the link to it online, so I would say you need computer access to really get going. After that, depending on where they tell you to start, there is less need for computer access, although still some.


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Thanks for chiming in, FL.!

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Figured it was time for an update. I'm at a very frustrated point right now but will try to keep this short and too the point:

We are managing to do the online program with hubby's laptop. Should know by end of week if I can rescue any pics or data off the other hard drive. I'm such a fool for not backing up all my pics.

I think we're practically done with watching the online seminar videos. We've signed the Memorandum. Hubs is a bit confused between Love Busters vs Emotional Needs. I prob would b too if this was the first I'd heard of it but I'd read up on the program some years ago. (I didn't let on to him that it was one I'd already tried to get him to do!)

I can't express in words how thankful I am that I chose the more expensive "coach included" option. I'm amazed at my feelings but hearing the MB stuff again and filling out the forms brings up so many negative memories for me I was feeling overwhelmed and hopeless. Coach Sandy said today that it's not unusual to feel that way. I told her I know this is good and we need to work on things but there's so much to be done and I don't have the emotional energy to drag stuff up and deal with it alone. She assured me she's available by email and phone and as soon as all the loose ends are tied up with the online vids, we'll have access to the "private" forum and Dr. Harley. Then begins the real work of repairing. May God be with us!

One thing that is hard is being totally honest but not being able to explain all the things that lead up to the way things are now. Things are getting weird now too. I saw some of his answers to the questionnaires (not snooping...just saw as I flipped over to my form) and he says I don't spend enough time with him!? I asked him for YEARS for more of his time and usually got anger instead of time. Now that I've been distant for a couple months he wants more time?! I have to remind myself to allow the program time to work and not just walk away but that was really irritating to me. There are other things too that are stressing me out but if I hashed each one out here, it would be a novel. LOL

So as I already mentioned, the "big" news is that the kids are planning to move out of state and this will end my keeping the grand kid while they work. I'm glad they'll be near the SIL's family there but it will be a huge adjustment for me. I'll sure miss those "baby" hugs. I think this has affected Hubby's POV on things too. He knows it would be easier for me to leave.

Why is it that he's nicer to me the more distant I am. That's like rewarding me for being distant. Is he trying to "win" me back? A few years ago he asked me if I loved him. I told him it was hard to when he yelled at me and didn't listen and all but that I respected our wedding vows and didn't believe in divorce. He made some comment about proving his love for me and he was nice for quite a while and of course it was easier to feel love for him but now that it feels like a game of cat and mouse. I'm tired of it all.

Anyway...thanks again for everyone being there for me. I shudder to think where I would be now had I not reached out. God bless you all!


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short update just in case anyone is following this thread:
We've done very few lessons (completing one per week in the order the coach suggests) BUT the best thing has been the 15hrs/week. To be honest, sometimes it's stressful because I fear an AO but the enjoyable times have been such a balm to my hurting heart and when I'm happier, I'm more in love and that seems to make him happier. Hubs seems more aware of his behavior and how it affects me even though we've not done the AO chapter yet. I see how I've used SD and other abusive ways in the past that contributed to some of the problems we face today.
Of course there's still a long way to go and many concerns along the way but I feel more optimistic that we'll make it through with the help of the coach and access to Dr. H via the private forum that goes with this program.
A very worthwhile investment I think!

Last edited by ShineOn; 10/13/15 02:34 PM.

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Are ya'll working through the Lovebuster course first?


Markos' Wife
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What to do with an Angry Husband

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Originally Posted By: Prisca
Are ya'll working through the Lovebuster course first?


Yes, but we did one lesson in the Emotional Needs book first. (His Needs Her Needs)

We're on the first love buster this week, selfish demands.

The CD's that go with the books are wonderful as hubs has time to listen but not much time to read. Also the book and CD seem to repeat things but that's OK as it helps us learn and retain more when important things are repeated.


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