I have been in recovery from porn addiction for about a year and a half and have been working on trying to repair the damage I did to the marriage. However, one thing continues to cut through my Wife's heart.
She doesn't feel beautiful to me.
No words can be said or deeds done to repair the damage I have done in comparing every other woman in the world to her, and telling her essentially that she was the only thing I DIDN'T want.
I am just looking for prayers in helping her healing. Pray that she can live her dream of feeling like a real woman and being swept up in her husbands arms. Pray that she smiles more than frowns. Pray that she has nice dreams and no more nightmares. Anything you can think of, please pray for her. She needs it so much and I can think of no greater love in this world than God's.
Thank you for all of your prayers.
Hello CowardlyLion, welcome to Marriage Builders. You didn't ask for advice, but I will give it anyway. You are causing incredible damage by saying those things to your wife. Stop saying that to her. Of course a wife will "frown" if you say such things to her. When was the last time you viewed porn and how does she verify you have really stopped?
Dr Harley addressed this issue in another case:
I've had several cases like yours where a husband never did find his wife attractive, even when they were dating, but married her for a variety of reasons, usually because she was pregnant. My approach is to help her make as many Love Bank deposits as possible in ways that do not require physical attractiveness, mostly with recreational companionship. My standard assignment is for them to exercise together regularly, and to be together for all leisure and recreational activities. One husband who I counseled, and followed my plan even though he didn't think it would work, called me from his car one day to tell me that for the first time in his relationship with his wife, he was in love. He couldn't wait to be with her, and he found her to be very physically attractive.
While it's true that physical appearance can make massive Love Bank deposits with someone who is not in love, being in love can make an otherwise plain looking person look physically attractive.
So in summary, I would suggest that you focus your attention on exercising together (which would help shape her up), and don't do anything recreational without her. But when you exercise, avoid having other women, especially attractive women, exercising with you. And remember my cardinal rule: 15 hours of undivided attention every week spent in meeting the emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship. I wouldn't tell her that you don't find her attractive, though. Instead, I would invite her to join you in these activities that you feel would bring you closer together.
