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Joined: Aug 2019
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OP
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I have been in recovery from porn addiction for about a year and a half and have been working on trying to repair the damage I did to the marriage. However, one thing continues to cut through my Wife's heart.
She doesn't feel beautiful to me.
No words can be said or deeds done to repair the damage I have done in comparing every other woman in the world to her, and telling her essentially that she was the only thing I DIDN'T want.
I am just looking for prayers in helping her healing. Pray that she can live her dream of feeling like a real woman and being swept up in her husbands arms. Pray that she smiles more than frowns. Pray that she has nice dreams and no more nightmares. Anything you can think of, please pray for her. She needs it so much and I can think of no greater love in this world than God's.
Thank you for all of your prayers.
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Have you read THE SCOURGE OF PORNOGRAPHY? What have you done to get porn out of your life? Do you still have access to the internet? What are you doing to live your life transparent to your DW so she knows you aren't watching it anymore?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I have been in recovery from porn addiction for about a year and a half and have been working on trying to repair the damage I did to the marriage. However, one thing continues to cut through my Wife's heart.
She doesn't feel beautiful to me.
No words can be said or deeds done to repair the damage I have done in comparing every other woman in the world to her, and telling her essentially that she was the only thing I DIDN'T want.
I am just looking for prayers in helping her healing. Pray that she can live her dream of feeling like a real woman and being swept up in her husbands arms. Pray that she smiles more than frowns. Pray that she has nice dreams and no more nightmares. Anything you can think of, please pray for her. She needs it so much and I can think of no greater love in this world than God's.
Thank you for all of your prayers. Hello CowardlyLion, welcome to Marriage Builders. You didn't ask for advice, but I will give it anyway. You are causing incredible damage by saying those things to your wife. Stop saying that to her. Of course a wife will "frown" if you say such things to her. When was the last time you viewed porn and how does she verify you have really stopped? Dr Harley addressed this issue in another case: I've had several cases like yours where a husband never did find his wife attractive, even when they were dating, but married her for a variety of reasons, usually because she was pregnant. My approach is to help her make as many Love Bank deposits as possible in ways that do not require physical attractiveness, mostly with recreational companionship. My standard assignment is for them to exercise together regularly, and to be together for all leisure and recreational activities. One husband who I counseled, and followed my plan even though he didn't think it would work, called me from his car one day to tell me that for the first time in his relationship with his wife, he was in love. He couldn't wait to be with her, and he found her to be very physically attractive.
While it's true that physical appearance can make massive Love Bank deposits with someone who is not in love, being in love can make an otherwise plain looking person look physically attractive.
So in summary, I would suggest that you focus your attention on exercising together (which would help shape her up), and don't do anything recreational without her. But when you exercise, avoid having other women, especially attractive women, exercising with you. And remember my cardinal rule: 15 hours of undivided attention every week spent in meeting the emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship. I wouldn't tell her that you don't find her attractive, though. Instead, I would invite her to join you in these activities that you feel would bring you closer together.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2019
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Have you read THE SCOURGE OF PORNOGRAPHY? What have you done to get porn out of your life? Do you still have access to the internet? What are you doing to live your life transparent to your DW so she knows you aren't watching it anymore? Hello, and thank you for your response. Yes, I have read The Scourge of Pornography, but it's always great to get a good reminder. In order to help rebuild her trust in me I have the following things in place: Accountability software on all internet capable device. A "dumb" phone that can only call and text, lacking in internet capability. I attend in person SA meetings and SAA meetings over the phone. We have a lot of these types of things, since we've been at this for a year and half. It really feels so much longer than that. Like we've been fighting this thing our entire lives together. I do not look and pornography anymore. Honestly, I hate it. I hate how much control it has had over me and I hate how much damage is has done to my wife. But I work my program because even if I hate it, discover all of its disgusting realities, and wish to wash every last memory of it from my mind...I am and will forever be an addict. I will chase the thing I hate until I'm dead if left to my own devices. Hello CowardlyLion, welcome to Marriage Builders. You didn't ask for advice, but I will give it anyway. You are causing incredible damage by saying those things to your wife. Stop saying that to her. Of course a wife will "frown" if you say such things to her. When was the last time you viewed porn and how does she verify you have really stopped? I welcome any advice given and really appreciate the gesture. I wasn't completely clear. I never verbally said anything to her, disparaging her in any way. But my wife looks a certain way. And when she saw the women I had tried to get with before her and the women who were present in my porn she knew I wasn't into the type of girl that she is. It wasn't something you could change. In a man's world, when you're told your only value is your appearance, not fitting your husbands preference or even his "acceptable" type, your security isn't going to be in a very secure place. I recently had a discussed upon relapse, where my behavior, though not technically bottom line or inner circle, was inappropriate and I was focusing too much on something that was sexual. We decided to reset my sobriety date of about a year. It is now at one month.
Last edited by CowardlyLion; 11/01/19 10:58 PM.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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[ Hello CowardlyLion, welcome to Marriage Builders. You didn't ask for advice, but I will give it anyway. You are causing incredible damage by saying those things to your wife. Stop saying that to her. Of course a wife will "frown" if you say such things to her. When was the last time you viewed porn and how does she verify you have really stopped? I welcome any advice given and really appreciate the gesture. I wasn't completely clear. I never verbally said anything to her, disparaging her in any way. But my wife looks a certain way. And when she saw the women I had tried to get with before her and the women who were present in my porn she knew I wasn't into the type of girl that she is. It wasn't something you could change. In a man's world, when you're told your only value is your appearance, not fitting your husbands preference or even his "acceptable" type, your security isn't going to be in a very secure place. Did you read my post? You simply recited back to us the reasons porn is bad for marriages, the contrast effect. However, it seems the porn hasn't stopped so naturally you would feel this way. Can you please read and respond to the letter I posted from Dr Harley? I recently had a discussed upon relapse, where my behavior, though not technically bottom line or inner circle, was inappropriate and I was focusing too much on something that was sexual. We decided to reset my sobriety date of about a year. It is now at one month. Are you stil masturbating?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2019
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[ Hello CowardlyLion, welcome to Marriage Builders. You didn't ask for advice, but I will give it anyway. You are causing incredible damage by saying those things to your wife. Stop saying that to her. Of course a wife will "frown" if you say such things to her. When was the last time you viewed porn and how does she verify you have really stopped? I welcome any advice given and really appreciate the gesture. I wasn't completely clear. I never verbally said anything to her, disparaging her in any way. But my wife looks a certain way. And when she saw the women I had tried to get with before her and the women who were present in my porn she knew I wasn't into the type of girl that she is. It wasn't something you could change. In a man's world, when you're told your only value is your appearance, not fitting your husbands preference or even his "acceptable" type, your security isn't going to be in a very secure place. Did you read my post? You simply recited back to us the reasons porn is bad for marriages, the contrast effect. However, it seems the porn hasn't stopped so naturally you would feel this way. Can you please read and respond to the letter I posted from Dr Harley? I recently had a discussed upon relapse, where my behavior, though not technically bottom line or inner circle, was inappropriate and I was focusing too much on something that was sexual. We decided to reset my sobriety date of about a year. It is now at one month. Are you stil masturbating? Sorry for the late response. I haven't been present on this forum for a while. Yes, the pornography has stopped. The masturbation was discussed with my wife. She has been okay with me masturbating as long as I let her know I'm going to and that I don't use any type of aid. But, after my recent relapse, I just decided I wanted no part of the masturbation. If I wasn't able to get my wife to a place where we could connect sexually, then I wasn't going to have sexual release. And that's that. The last time I viewed porn has now been 11/14/19, when my wife asked me to sit and watch a particular type of porn, so that she could open a dialogue about it. I have not viewed any type of pornography since then, and have once again reset my date of sobriety to 11/15. I did this because I don't want any "loopholes" or the ability for any addict behavior convincing myself that if I do "X" it won't count as a relapse. So, the last time I viewed pornography, my wife was present the entire time.
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Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 6
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OP
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Posts: 6 |
I've had several cases like yours where a husband never did find his wife attractive, even when they were dating, but married her for a variety of reasons, usually because she was pregnant. My approach is to help her make as many Love Bank deposits as possible in ways that do not require physical attractiveness, mostly with recreational companionship. My standard assignment is for them to exercise together regularly, and to be together for all leisure and recreational activities. One husband who I counseled, and followed my plan even though he didn't think it would work, called me from his car one day to tell me that for the first time in his relationship with his wife, he was in love. He couldn't wait to be with her, and he found her to be very physically attractive.
While it's true that physical appearance can make massive Love Bank deposits with someone who is not in love, being in love can make an otherwise plain looking person look physically attractive.
So in summary, I would suggest that you focus your attention on exercising together (which would help shape her up), and don't do anything recreational without her. But when you exercise, avoid having other women, especially attractive women, exercising with you. And remember my cardinal rule: 15 hours of undivided attention every week spent in meeting the emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment, and recreational companionship. I wouldn't tell her that you don't find her attractive, though. Instead, I would invite her to join you in these activities that you feel would bring you closer together. This is very good advice. The problem though is that I DO find my wife to be incredibly beautiful. I've always thought she was so adorable and sweet and sexy...I married her because I loved everything about her. I don't want another woman. I know that my problem with pornography is another form of infidelity, like Jesus says "That whosoever looketh. on a woman to lust after her hath committed. adultery with her already in his heart." So while I say I never want another woman other than my wife, my actions in the past have said differently. I know how much damage I have done to the woman who I claim to love more than anything else in my life. I just want to allow her some way to live a happy life again. I want her to know she is beautiful. I want her to know she isn't worthless. I want her to know she is the most valuable person to me in my entire life.
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Can I have a moderator delete this post please?
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CowardlyLion, please read our policy on removing threads. Thank you. Thread Removal Policy
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