BR,

I've only crossed paths with you on occasion, since I'm more often in the Recovery, EN, or GQII forums, but I've found the things you say to be often insightful and interesting.

I think you're looking at and thinking about the right things. You said:

quote:

I don't trust me, I don't trust my H, and I don't trust God. That's the honest to goodness truth.

As a baseball fan, I'd say you're batting 667, and largely in touch with reality. As a Christian, I think God is trustworthy, but I've been where you are often. Better honest doubt than faked faith, as long as you don't settle for staying that way. What you're going through is really tough, and I can sure understand.

In bringing up POJA you really hit the heart of the matter. As I've written to CJ and others, the real key to recovery seems to me to be whether we can POJA with our partner. It's a skill and takes time to learn and develop as a habit, and it's hard to POJA until someone proves trustworthy.

In essence, I see POJA done right as being about two people who are healthy enough to be capable of independence, but are choosing interdependence. This means shared control over both lives, and means we have to be as concerned about our partner's well being as our own. It also requires respecting their opinion--we're not trying to become either a benevolent dictator or a subject, but a partner.

Whether your H is capable of this I don't know. I will say that the power of having ENs met is amazing. It goes a long way toward creating the willingness to care for another like we do for ourselves, if we are at all capable of being altruistic.

I don't remember all the ins and outs of your relationship, but I would imagine that despite all your efforts he has not been very available for you to meet his ENs, just as he hasn't tried to meet yours. So, even though you've been the one trying, it hasn't built up your balance in his love bank all that much. Consequently, you both need a lot of time together meeting each others ENs to jump start your recovery.

Trying too hard to work out all the tough issues before romantic love is rebuilt probably won't work. So you'll probably have to risk a lot of time, effort and pain building that for some months before you know if he'll really come around and "get it".

I'm sorry it's so tough--wish I had ten easy steps to rebuilding or seven questions to tell you if your spouse will ever get it, but I don't.

Hang in there,

Steve