I agree with Orchid. For goodness sakes, they're adults too with the power to say NO or to disagree. "Bad" control is when it's manipulative and you'll do something unpleasant if you don't get what you want.

Another form of "bad" control is bad mostly for the person doing it. That's what I'm struggling with when I think time and time again that I can control my H's out-of-control behavior by doing things or putting up with things that make me crazy. They don't help him either. But this kind of control seems to be a natural response to crazy (and crazy-making) behavior. You actually have to learn not to respond this way when it involves someone you care about.

Setting boundaries is not controlling, I know that, but I still find it very difficult to do. I think it's "good" control to take control of our own lives. Again, I don't think it's unnatural to respond to an out-of-control situation in a loved one by trying to help them in order to regain control of our own lives. Of course, we have no control over anyone else and have to learn to maintain the focus on ourselves when faced with someone else's crazy behavior.

My H admitted to being attracted to women who need him. In other words, women he thinks he can control. He is furious at me because in taking care of myself I have undermined his control of me. So who's really into control?