I did a really stupid thing! A few months ago I spent some time with one of our grown daughters who lives out of town. WH has said things while drinking about OW so EA's not been a complete secret to our kids (27-17 years old). Of course they don't buy the EA thing at all; they think it can't be anything BUT PA. Back to my story: When daughter #2 asked about update on her Dad's involvement with OW at work I let down my defenses and spilled my guts. She was so calm about it and shared stories about her friends who have experienced similar things in their families. I had just hired private detective and told her all about that too. Usually I keep everything about things like this to myself as I've learned better than sharing private things. I had just found MB and should have vented here instead of involving her--I KNOW THIS NOW!!<p>I've just found out that she told my mother and sisters about all of it. One of my sisters mentioned at Mother's Day celebration how sorry she was about what was going on with my H and how she wished he'd treat me like I deserved. I didn't say anything except that it was going to be okay and not to worry about me, I'm fine. (If I keep saying it, maybe I will be....) But I am sooooo upset now to think everyone knows about this mess and has opinions about what I should do now.<p>My daughters hate to see me on the MB site. They think it is such BUNK that Plan A would be the thing to do...... You know, everyone thinks we should just THROW THEM OUT. I've tried to explain the Harley principles to our daughters but it's hard to understand even for us BSs, so of course others--especially our families who love us and want to see us happy--are not going to like us trying to work on M and get WS through the fog. They think it's just a lot of bull.....<p>Anyone else had experience with this aspect of A? As if anything else could happen to cause any more distress or upset feelings among family while EA continues.......<p>WH seems to be on verge of coming out of fog when contact with OW hasn't happened for a few days, but as soon as it does we're back in thick fog for a while. He says it's almost over, but as long as there's contact I know it's not about to be over. Rollercoaster ride continues.....<p>amazingrace [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

I am so sorry to hear of your pain. Unfortunately there's very little any of us can do except be here to listen and offer our thoughts.<p>Yes, I know how hard it is going to be now for you. It is so difficult for the BS to work on plan A or B or whatever. Plain and simply IT'S HARD! There are so many times that we question ourselves. When we have our own doubts and want to throw the towel in. Yes, most others cannot understand the "why". Why don't we throw them out? Why are we kissing their bottoms when they've done such a horrific thing? Why we can stand the thought of just being with someone who could hurt us so badly? Frankly, I have a hard time understanding it so I certainly can't blame anyone else. <p>Yes, it is hard. We are fighting a battle within ourselves and we don't need ammunition from outside sources.<p>My situation is somewhat similar. My mother and Mother in law are coming in for oldest D graduation this week. Husband decides (not with 100% approval from me) that he has only one oppportunity to get away from the stress of his job and takes off to a bike rally in Myrtle Beach. Both my mother and MIL were told the reason we separated for 9 months was because of the time he spent going to these rallies without me. <p>Now they are both coming in before he gets back. I am going to have to defend his behavior (which I don't agree with) to both these women who (deep down never bought my entire story and believe he was unfaithful). They were never told the whole story just my feelings about his wandering off.<p>Talk about a genuine jerk. I am having a hard enough time dealing with what he's done much less getting their 2 cents worth. Sometimes I wonder why I bother trying to protect him when everyone else can see what a selfish, self-centered man he is.<p>Oh I am getting the same words out of him as he's always told me. When he calls he says "I shouldn't have left, I should come home, I shouldn't have left you with everything that is going on blah blah blah blah. Heard it before, he's like a broken record. <p>I guess their actions truly speak louder than their words<p>Sorry to get on my soapbox, just wanted you to know I understand the position you are in. Life stinks sometimes huh?<p>Stay positive, we understand here. After all, we are a breed within ourselves. We aren't quitters, people may think we are total idiots, but hey at least I am a persistant, nonquitting idiot. Throwing in the towel is the easy way out. They don't understand this.<p>Lots of luck

I also had the experience of a family member I confided in deciding on her own to tell others that I NEVER would have told--people who, before my H did this to me, I said have hurt me more than anyone else in my life, and this family member KNEW that and revealed my private agony to them!!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As if that weren't bad enough, those people are like predators and if they catch any scent of weakness or vulnerability, that is when they attack, so not only do I have to deal with my H and all of our issues, I now have to live in fear of another attack from that direction thanks to that person. Well, I'm trying not to live in fear, but I at least have to maintain a state of preparedness for whatever they decide to launch at me (had to crank up to a higher DEFCON level, so to speak). Needless to say, I don't talk to that person any more, at least not about me or my life.<p>Other family members have been very supportive, and in fact, just the other day, someone who originally had no enthusiasm for my decision to follow the MB plan expressed how much she admired me for having the integrity to stay committed to the plan throughout everything I've been through. She still points out what my H is not doing what he should be doing, and I remind her that my commitment is not currently to my H, but to my plan, and that helps reassure her that I'm not in denial about where my H is in the process.<p>If you can explain that you NEED to follow Plan A/Plan B because you believe it will help you the most to prepare for either marital recovery OR dissolution, then that may help. Since I've been through divorce before, I'm able to explain specifically how following this plan would have helped my personal recovery had I followed it last time even assuming the M still would have ended.<p>I think all you can do when someone betrays your confidence is to learn that you can no longer trust that person with the intimate details of your life, but for this particular set of information, the toothpaste is already out of the tube, but you can carry yourself with dignity and thank people for their support and only reveal what you want to reveal about your personal life from here on in.<p>To safe people, if they can see that you have a well-thought-out plan solidly based in reality, they will usually be supportive even if they think the best thing is to dump the WS. If you keep reminding them that you are doing this for yourself and that it is not about the WS or getting the WS back, etc., then sometimes they will at least see that much.<p>It helped when I pointed out that I saw no reason for me to abruptly disrupt my and my children's lives in a knee-jerk reaction to my H's jerky behavior because that would put HIM in control of my life and to point out that ESPECIALLY in the case of me having to once again be a single mother, I really needed to be prepared for that, physically, emotionally, financially, etc., and I wasn't about to let my H's poor choices dictate what *I* was going to do. Expressing this type of of attitude should dispel any "doormat" analogies.<p>[ May 14, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>