I'm just about ready. W took OM4 and our kids down to meet her sister on Memorial Day, and W also left a nasty, accusatory message on my work voice mail. Those aren't reasons to file (my plan B time limit has run out), but they leave me wanting to prove things for the record.<p>So I would like to poll and solicit advice from those with experience.<p>

• Do you give WS advance warning?
• If your state allows filing on fault grounds, did you? If so, what effects did it have?
• Is there a best place to have papers served?
• Kids are out of town next week, with me on vacation. Is it worth rushing to have the papers served then?

<p>Thanks for your help. I do feel that MB, the phone counseling, and these forums have been helpful.<p>- Tom

I don't know the answers to your questions, but my heart aches for you. God bless you in your pain, and I hope you figure out what's the best thing to do. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Tom,<p>I am exactly where you are right now. I will do legal separation for other reasons, but in effect it's over. <p>What you do depends on the kind of relationship you want to foster in the future. She is still the Mom of your kids & will have dealings with her because of that.<p>I've searched the DV board & found some usefull links to websites. I also did a search on DV & found Bill? Furgeson 's books & site - How to Dv as friends. I'll never forget what WH did to me, but for me I don't want to carry all that stuff with me into the future. <p>We are in the process of loosing our business as well as all the (crappy) stuff that is going on with us personally.<p>God Bless,<p>D.

I apologize for not knowing more about your story but here&#8217;s my 2 cents along with a couple of questions.<p>Do you give WS advance warning? <p>Yes, after you have filed I feel that it is proper to give notification. Short, sweet, too the point conversation.<p>If your state allows filing on fault grounds, did you? If so, what effects did it have? <p>Maybe. Do you have proof that&#8217;s beyond a shadow of doubt? Also do you have additional financial resources to have this type of divorce because it will set the stage for controversy and will cause additional fighting. Finally, what type of &#8220;Custody&#8221; arrangement are you seeking?<p>Personally, I wouldn't because of the custody arrangement that I was seeking at the time. I wanted to work together as much as possible. Hindsight, maybe I should of sought "primary custody" and in that case I would of been more open to throwing that punch.<p>Is there a best place to have papers served? <p>Have the papers served discretely, wherever that may be. In our state we can serve the papers our self, which in a way, sets the stage for a little &#8220;friendly&#8221; divorce. Make sure that it&#8217;s when the children are not present<p>Kids are out of town next week, with me on vacation. Is it worth rushing to have the papers served then?<p>There are quite a few details that are required at time of filing and I wouldn&#8217;t recommend &#8220;rushing&#8221; anything. Provided, you can get all that stuff together and are comfortable with its presentation, then it&#8217;s definitely an option.<p>The biggest factor that you need to think about is &#8220;What type of co-parenting relationship do you want to establish with your wife?&#8221;. If you are not seeking custody, then you really need to play nice because a lot of the court systems are rooted deeply in conservative thinking. If you are seeking custody, then the gloves can come off a little more. If you are seeking a shared custody arrangement, then you need to show that you two have the ability to effectively communicate for the children&#8217;s sake and once again you have to play nice. <p>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

I'm sorry, I know that hurt, and that was totally disrespectful of her!<p>I would say talk to your WS about divorce. She may be willing to sign and you don't have to have her served.<p>My state does not allow fault grounds.<p>IMHO, and this is just for me... I think you should check the motivation of your heart. Make sure you are filing for the right reasons. NOT to punish her or for your healing. A piece of paper will not give you healing powers. For me, I wanted to get to a place where I could love and forgive my H and have the D be an act of love. I wanted to be healed before it was final. Just to check to make sure my heart was in the right place... to make sure it wasn't revenge...etc.

Thanks. My lawyer's secretary says it is possible to serve the complaint by certified mail, so long as W signs for it. I didn't know that. W had me served in person when she filed for support payments, the day after I gave her my plan B letter. And here I'm worried about her feelings. But I will warn her when it's coming.<p>We do have a court-ordered custody agreement in place.<p>- Tom

I purchased the "how to divorce as friends" book on CD. Not bad! H and I wound up listening to them together after I pulled my head out of my butt. <p>My first reaction would be to serve her while you're away with the kids...since she'll probably be "vacationing" with the OM of the hour....BUT...there was a good point made above that you have to continue to deal with this person for many years to come. Might as well hold your head high and be the MUCH bigger person.<p>Take care.