OK I am really confused. Last night I had another great night with WH. He came home from work and made passionate love to me. He had tried to wake me up that morning but I wasn't feeling too well. Anyway, I didn't go to work today. Still sick. So he leaves for work and I head for the doctors office. While I am in the waiting room I get a call. From him. He is worried about me and wanted to see how I was feeling. So I had said earlier I would bring some stuff for a pot luck out to his work later on. I told him I would and went in to see the doctor. He is our family Dr. I mentioned in my earlier post he was the one that told me to basically do what I am doing. Be strong, confident and do what you have to do so that either he will realize what he is missing or at the very least I will know I tried everything.
So I take his stuff out to him and we go outside while he takes a break. Small chit chat, then he says, "By the way I had my boss check on those jobs for me and they ended up being in Spokane." OW is in Vancouver. So he says, "It's 3 1/2 hours away from Vancouver and besides I don't want to apply for them now and have to turn them down in a few weeks if I get them because I can't go. (When this all first came to pass we agreed to get bills paid off before he left) Which is weird because we settled on a car accident we had been in 2 years ago and had things mostly paid off in January. He could have moved then. That was the month OW sent him an apartment application.
When he mentioned the job I just played it cool. Agreed that would be far away from Vancouver and asked him about another job he was going to apply for. This one involves him being out of town back east for 6 weeks or so. He said he forgot to ask his Mom about it. Then, and this is where it really gets strange, he mentions that his boss might be getting a divorce. He mentioned how they were fighting all the time about the same trivial stuff and how he had left fot a week and she didn't know where he was. Then he says, "I think it's really sad because they have only been married for 4 years."
My husband and I have been married for 4 years. So I said to tell her about this great website I found called marriage builders. That she should try MB or get counseling. Very weird. Then I mentioned that I was taking his wedding ring in to get the stones tightened and get it cleaned. He said cool. Is he just in the fog? Is it mixed signals? What do you guys think.
My Dr said it was astonishing how many of his patients were having marital problems because of the computer. Please help, I need a boost here.
Thanks you guys,
Layli

Just a little addition. he just called to make sure I got home safe and to ask me the recipie for what I made for dinner last night.
Hmmmm?
Layli

layli<p> Sounds like your a good cook and he wants to share that, I am sure someone at worked asked how to make what ever it is you made. consider it a compliment. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

OK now it is getting really weird. When he came home last night he was asking how much that job in Spokane would pay and I told him. He decides he is going to apply anyway. So I tried to play it off cool and said,"I guess I can cancel the trip in August then." He asked why and I said, "Well if you are going to be in Spokane I don't want to spend money on a trip we wont take." So I am trying to be good so I grab my Divorcebusters book and head upstairs. As I am closing the door he asks where I am going. I don't answer. He comes upstairs and I tell him I am going to read upstairs for awhile. So the dog upstairs is being obnoxious so I head back downstairs. I am crying. I tell him that I am sorry if I am being less than supportive but some of it is too much to bear. He gives me a hug and wipes my tears away. Then I tell him. "You know I have only the best of hopes for us. I still believe we are going to work through this." Then I asked him what he would do in my shoes. He thinks for a long time and says he really doesn't know. So I figure I have nothing to lose so I tell him. "There was a time that I didn't believe in us and you kept telling me you loved me and supported me, that is what I am trying to do here."
I asked him if he could understand that some things would be hard for me. He did understand and said, "Hey we decided it was our marriage and we would make up the rules as we went along."
I also reinforced that even though I didn't agree what was happening. I could understand that I had contributed and that I was trying to work on the things that caused the distance. I acknowledged that I had been taking care of my Mom for so long I put up barriers and made it impossible for him to talk about if the strain was too much. I would get very defensive when it came to justifying taking care of my Mom. I also told him that after our last D-day, I did a total 180 and when I thought I was giving him the space he wanted I was making him feel like he got less of my attention. That wasn't my plan, I thought I was helping but I was so scared of the proverbial other shoe dropping that I was scared to fight for our marriage, afraid I would push him away. I had just read about the nagging wife thing in divorce busters and realized I had enabled us to head into this danger zone. I told him it must have been hard for him and caused him to seek getting his needs met by someone else. He agreed and said it was attention he wanted. I told him that part of my sanoty came from this web site and told him I had people helping me that went through the exact same thing and I told him the story of Knewjie and her husband. I also explained that this site wasn't about bashing the wayward spouse but getting help to support them. I told him about neverthought and how scared she was because she began an EA and how strong she was to come on the site asking for help and how everyone didn't judge they just supported. I also told him that I was being strong and making changes because it would never be too late for him to turn around. That I was making sure that I would be here for him. I stressed that he had to make his own choices and I wasn't trying to say he was making the wrong one. That he needed to do what he felt he had to do in order to be happy but if he chose to work on things I wouldn't throw the A in his face that I would just love him unconditionally. I explained that he was probably going through a thousand different emotions and that he might feel confused or unsure and that was why I tried to explain to our friends the whole "no matter how flat a pancake is it still has 2 sides" theory. I told him I wanted to make sure he had tons of support from everyone. I gave him a hug and thanked him for finally opening up a bit and talking to me. I fell asleep on the couch and he woke me up to go to bed and we held each other and fell asleep. This morning we woke up and the first thing he said to me was "Morning baby, I love you." Then we fooled around a bit before he went to work. Did I do ok? I also said that I felt if the shoe was on the other foot I felt like I would have come home to find all my stuff on the front lawn. Based on his reactions when our friends have had this happen to him. I feel like maybe I went too far with that one. Please help. Tell me what you think. I am feeling a bit lost right now and I need my friends to tell me I am still on track.
Thanks,
Layli

Gawd...if he would just realize how much he loves you, you two would be in recovery! You're doing GREAT in my opinion. Letting him love you and loving him back, even when he does say the wrong thing or confuse you. He probably is still confused, but I bet he'll figure it out. You said yourself...he COULD have been gone by now. Is he still in contact with this other woman? Sure seems like all his time is filled with the essence of YOU YOU YOU!

He still IM's her though not as often. Went from every day to every 3 days to every 6 or 7 days. Really sporadic. Do you really think I handled things well last night? I was worried I might have LB'd. I really do believe that he loves me he just needs to believe that we can work this out. That's another thing I told him last night. I truely believed we could work things out and have a better marriage. He still plays with her online. Not as much. Maybe since I am sick I am just having confidence problems right now.
Thanks for responding.
Feel like I am faltering and I really needed a boost.
Layli

BTW H4F your stories have been such an inspiration. I think I have read every single one of your postings.
Thanks for being here for all of us [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Layli

How did you LB? All I read was an honest discussion of your feelings...not blaming, not demanding...just telling him what's on your mind. Sounds FANTASTIC to me! Heck, you're doing better than we are, LOL! <p>I think H and I both grew up with so many elephants around our house we can't even see them anymore!!!

I just thought that maybe I lb'd by crying about hus talking about the job. Or when I said if the shoe was on the other foot I fugured my stuff would be out on the front lawn. I am glad you think I said the right things. You know it is strange but when I fell asleep on the couch it was the best sleep I have had in weeks. Also this morning WH said he wished he didn't have to go to work. Wanted to stay home and veg with me. I guess maybe that is good also.
Thanks so much for the input!
You are awesome!
Layli

So you expressed some frustration and pointed out a touch of hypocricy. I don't think that's major. Now if you'd screamed at the top of your lungs, actually THROWN his stuff on the lawn, or blugeoned him with any large objects...well, that would have been a different story.<p>I searched on ebay for an invisible elephant gun...but couldn't find any. I guess maybe I'll have to go with a regular elephant gun and find some special binoculars or glasses to see the darn things. Or is there maybe a fogger one can set off that will color them long enough to hit em? ROTFLMAO!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] If only everyone found me as amusing as I find myself [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

You made me laugh out loud. Thanks for being supportive. I was just reading the cmiranda link. (or one like that) I thoroughly enjoy the banter between you and pepper. You said exactly what I needed to hear. feel like I'm ready to get back on course and not let my insecurities get the best of me.
[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Layli

Yea well, if pepper only knew the nightmares that I've had because of her openness about her choices in underwear and accessories, LOL!!!<p>So you're feeling froggy now...that means you gotta do the dance. You stand up, bend your knees just a touch (feet apart a bit), put your arms up like you're a duck, and rotate pretty much everything while saying...oooh yea, uh huh, uh huh, ooooh yea. LOL!!!<p>Now, do that in Pepper's ensemble in front of hubby...and he'll be overwrought with....well, either fear, passion or laughter. LOL!!!

You are a kook! Hey I forgot to mention something else. Don't know if this makes any difference. When I stopped crying about him applying for that job I told him if he had to go, he had to go. I could get another job to pay off bills because money wasn't why I wanted him to stay. I want him to stay because I love him and want to be with him. Good? Bad?
Logging on to Fredericks right now. LOL
Thanks H4F
Layli

I tell you what...from what I remember about our hazy exchanges only 30-60% of what is said actually completely registers. If you told him you'd grown that special third nipple and it opened the secret gate to narnia...he'd pretty much only remember...NIPPLE! WHOO HOO! Don't overanylize too much. You expressed love and concern for him, as well as letting him know you are able to continue on without him should he decide to leave. He'll have to glue his own popsicle sticks together.<p>Not sure what that last line means, but it was fun to write. LOL!

How long have you guys been in recovery? What was the catalyst. I am actually going to Narnia, I HAVE THE THIRD NIPPLE MUHAHA. Just kidding.
You kook! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]
Layli

Oh thanks...more nightmare material. LOL!<p>I'll see if I can find the threads where I told more about us. We were seperated for a year, got back together at thanksgiving. Been pretty much honeymooning it since...but old patterns have set in again. Time to learn a new dance step!<p>The catalyst was me pulling my head out of my butt. We were divorcing but I was dragging my feet. Had thoughts that maybe we could just start all over once we were divorced. DUH! Once we were final I think hubby would have been done. Not to mention that he had been seeing a girl for several months. I'm sure once the D was done, they would have gotten more serious.<p>I realized what consequences my actions had brought about and SCWWWWING, out popped my head! A couple of shampoos and a rinse later I reached out to hubby and told him I was sorry for all I'd done, that I know I didn't give him a chance and that if given the chance I would do whatever it took to make it work. He gave me the chance [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

I guess I am just freaked out about him looking for a job. i wish he would look for a better paying job down here. Utah. I am so worried that the day will come and he will leave and I will either LB my butt off or lose it.
Thanks for your input.
Layli

Hi Layli girl!<p>How are you? I'm hanging in there - it seems that divorce is looking more certain for us. More later on my thread update.<p>Hugs,
Llama

Just another update. WH came home tonight and said he wouldn't qualify for jobs in WA. Had a great time with my friend. Sort of turned the situation into a pretzel and made me laugh. We we're joking about the add thing. (Might be on H I need your advice thread.) Anyhow, says the add and our car accident made him forget how he fell in love with me. (This was in an IM to other woman.) Yet when we talk the issues are about we argue all the time. that was befor ethe accident. and for the record. He wasn't hurt badly in wreck at all. he was hurt don't get me wrong but his Dr's have never diagnosed him with memory loss and last time I checked you couldn't get add from a wreck.
Any thoughts?
Thanks
layli