I believe it was about 2 months into this whole thing that I wrote my Plan B letter. I had no intention at the time of delivering it, but just the act of writing it help me... it helped reinforce in my mind that I have a PLAN, that I'm following a path that WILL lead me to a better life.<p>So in a similar vein, I'm writing a Plan D letter, now that I'm in Plan B. I have no intention of delivering it, until I feel that my LB$ for WW has truly dropped to nearly zero. (Notice I don't say "zero" - in CA, there's a six month period before finalization, so I do want to leave the door open the smallest crack. However, after delivering this letter, I'd truly be moving on, although not dating - but I want to work on myself to the point where that can follow on reasonably soon.)<p>Anyhow, it's very much a "letting go" letter, and it's very honest. Thoughts welcome.<p>
Dear WW,<p>I’ve been doing some thinking lately, and I realize that it might be time to talk about our future again. This time, sadly, I think we need to discuss our divorce.<p>Basically, I’ve grown tired of waiting for something that might never come. So I’ve decided to get a lawyer and move forward with divorce.<p>I never wanted this – but I’ve come to see that I need it, in order to move forward with finding someone else who I can love and is willing to love me back. I need to start with a base of honesty and respect, and I can’t do that while we’re married.<p>As you are likely aware, California is a “community property” state, so you will get half of everything we have. This will allow you to live comfortably for the rest of your life, I suspect. I will note that there’s a very good chance I will be returning to --- once our divorce is final.<p>Until that happens, I think we need to continue pressing forward with making things “like the future will really be.” That means I won’t pay for the apartment any longer. You should likely seek out legal advice on establishing a legal separation, including having me required to pay $X per month, etc. I’m not sure how the timing of that may play into the overall divorce process. I don’t want to do this to be mean or hurtful – I’m just starting to feel like I’m financing my own unhappiness at this stage.<p>I’m moving forward because I’ve had time to “process” things now for over a year. It’s been the longest year of my life, and I’m not about to live any more like this past one. Life is far too short. And through personal growth and self-examination, I feel like I’m in a much better position now to have a successful future relationship, although I still have on-going work.<p>You were my first and only love to date. For that you will always share a special place in my heart. But my statements in my previous letter still do apply: we can’t remain “just friends” and pretend it was okay for things to end this way. I will need to continue to work on removing you from my heart - as hard as it has been. I owe that to my future wife and kids, and need it to be a success, letting go of the past. That doesn’t mean I will never forgive you – but it will be just too hard to have any real relationship. The past few months apart have helped me come to terms with that fact.<p>I’m sorry it’s ending like this. I’m sad that I don’t have the patience to wait longer, but I realize I could be waiting forever. It breaks my heart to think that this was supposed to have been the year to start a family – not to end one. But I’ve learned to accept the things I can’t control.<p>I hope you’re feeling better about life and are coming to terms with things. I hope this will all result in something positive for you in the end. I really do wish you the very best.<p>Your J.R.

Personally I like the letter. You sound real good. I just hope you are sincere and are not just trying to push her to scare here. I fully support you letting her go. I just want you to evaluate in your mind and heart if you are really ready to let her go. She may very well say Yippee, I'm scott-free. I just want you to be prepared for that. I personally think a good Plan B for 2 months is enough time for them to snap and make a decision. Especially if you have a 6 month waiting period that is like an 8 month Plan B. But I'm sure others don't agree. IF you want to leave the door open a small crack why didn't you deliver a Plan B letter? to talk about letting go, not divorcing?

I think it's pretty good, J.R.<p>You said a couple of days ago on someone else's thread that there were "developments" that you would update us on. Not to pry, but I've found following your experiences educational, and was curious if you posted that update (I've been busy, so I've missed a good amount the past couple weeks).<p>Take care,

I think that is a great letter J.R. <p>My W also thinks we can be friends even though I have told her we can't be "just friends." She thinks I am saying this to scare her, but It wouldn't be fair to anyone I have a future relationship with, plus it would make it harder to get over her.

Luv: You sound real good<p>JR: I feel real good today... have the day off, so I'm doing some cleaning, yard work, will play some golf later, then maybe go out with some friends, if I'm up for it.<p>Luv: I just hope you are sincere and are not just trying to push her to scare her<p>JR: You bet... this would only be delivered when I felt I was ready to move on; I guess right now I'm prepared for any outcome (thus Plan B), but I'm not fully prepared to move on - if that makes any sense!!<p>Luv: I personally think a good Plan B for 2 months is enough time for them to snap and make a decision.<p>JR: I might even be able to do a little more. If I give it 3 months, it will be a year since d-day. I can't see the 18 months by SAA... I'm not getting any younger here [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Luv: IF you want to leave the door open a small crack why didn't you deliver a Plan B letter?<p>JR: Well, already did that. Was a fairly standard by-the-book Plan B letter. Now I'm doing my best to maintain NC. So we'll see.<p>2L: was curious if you posted that update <p>JR: Not really in a separate thread... it's not all that Earth-shaking anyhow... got 4 e-mails from her between Monday and Wednesday - her tone was fairly light, too, but she knows I'm not interested in communicating. I think it's the standard "testing my limits" crapola. I also picked up our cats from the apartment, so now she's truly all alone.

Still,<p>Yes, I think the whole "friends" thing is fine... if you and WW had somehow had a chance to agree on it beforehand, like if the degradation of the M was openly discussed pre-A and both parties said, "Yeah, it just ain't working, lets Dv." But that didn't happen. No sir... was dropped on many of us like an A-bomb.<p>For the same reason NC with OP is important, I think NC with an exW/H is maybe not practical with kids involved (in fact, the better the relationship, the better) - but with no kids, why "hang on" like that? It just seems like a bad idea. Why would I keep a friend who not only stabbed me in the back, but refused to pull out the knife, even after seeing my pain. (In fact drove it in deeper by going from EA to PA.)<p>Oh well, I vent a bit... Yes, this letter gets filed under "Pending" for now. I hope to never use it.

J.R.:<p>"For the same reason NC with OP is important, I think NC with an exW/H is maybe not practical with kids involved (in fact, the better the relationship, the better) - but with no kids, why "hang on" like that? It just seems like a bad idea. Why would I keep a friend who not only stabbed me in the back, but refused to pull out the knife, even after seeing my pain. (In fact drove it in deeper by going from EA to PA.)"<p>How about a WW that had 2 As with same OM over an 11-yr period and lied to me the whole time? If we DV, I want as close to a NC agreement with my xWW as possible. But my youngest is already 15. Won't be any need for kid-related contact in a few years.

I think it sounds very good JR! It's short and to the point, and very realistic. I, too, hope you never have to use it.

J.R. -- I thought your letter was very good. I was a little worried when I started the thread that you were already thinking about plan D so seriously when you just went to plan B, but was relieved to see why you were working on it.<p>I think the point about no friends is an important one to make. I think all of the WW/WH somehow think that the BS will still be their best friend no matter how cruel they are treated. Talk about a fog/fantasy. <p>I think your WW trying to email you while you are in no contact/plan B is her attempt to test the "we'll still be friends" concept she's got in her head. You are strong if you aren't responding. I am thankful that I have not gone to plan B (yet -- it could still happen, my WH is coming over tomorrow to discuss "trying"), and wonder how strong I could be. <p>I wish you luck in your plan B and hope your WW comes out of the fog before you reach the point where your plan D letter makes sense.

J.R.<p>I thought it was a great letter. One I wish I had sent. At some point, they need to realize that you can't go on forever, without repercusions. I know my H thought I would always take him back...and I did until this time...I don't think I could ever do it again.<p>You sound together, sensible and resigned...a good letter if you end up having to use it. Good job. Pat