Hello MB friends,<p>Any comments on this letter would be appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Keep me in your prayers.<p>Here's a brief history:<p>
Married 1980 (now 3 kids)<p>1982 started a business<p>WH - A 86-87 & 91-92 (illegal substances involved)<p>99 - moved away from home to take care of his father who was very ill at the time. He passed away & WH stayed out of state & started working there (an extension of our busness)<p>Probably the real reason he stayed was an A with old HS friend. <p>July 2001 - started 2nd A with a (drug) queen
Oct 01 - D day for OW1 & OW2. <p>Repeated ddays for ow2.<p>June 02 - Dday for subtance abuse as well.<p>June 02 Our business is failing, we just lost a major contract. My thoughts are to get out with the least amount of damage.<p>I have been living with 2 of our kids at my Mom's and WH has his ownn place & Oldes S living there. (We are 1200 miles away from home)<p>This letter is a last ditch effort, but in reality I have no hope for this m. WH has problems that have nothing to do with me. Even his brother thinks I should get out, which I am prepared to do. That doesn't mean it's easy, but I can't continue like this.<p>So, any thought, comments ...... <p>Here's the letter<p>
Dear WH,<p>This is the hardest letter I’ve ever written. You are the love of my life and I thought I was yours, but now I’m thinking that I was wrong.<p>Flash back, October 9, 2001, the night I took all my stuff out of your place after finding you and J there. I had come to the realization that you had been having an affair. Later that night when we spoke, I told you “It was over” then repeated something you had told me 26 years before “Smile Blondie, life is too short.” You were so right & I told you I wasn’t living like this anymore. I thought that meant getting a divorce would be the answer. When I left ------, I felt at that point that our marriage was over, hopeless. Neither on of us had been happy for a long time. I knew something was wrong, I just wasn’t sure what it was or how to fix it.<p>The shock I felt, the betrayal and hurt was almost overwhelming. It felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and left dangling, bleeding and pulsing. My whole world turned upside down, couldn’t eat, sleep or concentrate for a long time. When I got back to Florida, I saw an attorney to pursue getting a divorce. I just couldn’t imagine how we could ever get through this.<p>Later on in October, friends in church asked how I was & I broke out in tears. They prayed and sought God’s help for me. Not long afterwards I went to an old email account that I hardly ever used anymore. There were more than 350 unread emails. I scanned through them and only opened 2 of them. One was a newsletter that had an article on infidelity! That floored me. One, because I didn’t know anything like that existed and two, of the more than 350 emails, I pick this one. Co-incidence?<p>From there I found Marriage Builders and Steve Harley. When I read the principles and story after story of marriages in recovery, I began to think that there was hope for us. If they could do it, then so could we. Some were in even worse circumstances than us) It gave me hope. Marriage Builders had books, articles on the web and discussion forums. I read them all.<p>My feeling changed in that I wanted to try to work things out and that I was willing to do whatever it took to recover and restore our marriage. I didn’t know if we would or could, but I did know that I loved you deep down inside (not what you did). That no matter if we ended up getting divorced or staying married, that I wanted to leave no stone unturned. <p>When I first confronted you, I asked that you be honest with me & that we could get through just about anything, that if I later found out you lied, that I didn’t think that we could get thru that.<p>
Fast forward to today, we find ourselves leading very separate lives. You have lived 1200 miles away from home for over 3 years and built a single lifestyle for yourself that did not include me or the kids.<p>Being here, spending (a little) more time with you, I am able to see things in a new light. What it looks like is 1991-1992 all over again. The weight loss, irritability, sneezing attacks, confusion, inability to concentrate, that look on your face, avoidance of conversations & being with me or our family, & friends …. I thought was chemical sensitivity and long hours, now I know different – it’s (substance abuse).<p>Now this life that you have built for yourself the last 3 years includes (substance), affairs, an ongoing relationship with J, your “friends” and golf. It turns out that our marriage was just smoke and mirrors. I’m having a nightmare just imagining that you have continued to see Janice and to find out (substance) very much rules your life. In my heart it seems like a bad dream but in my head I know it’s true. Was the last 27 years just a lie?<p>I know I’ve had my faults as a wife and have been willing to work on those. But at this most difficult juncture in our marriage, I want you to know that I am releasing you to your choices. You are free to go. I love you very much and I made a commitment to love you and only you forever. But my heart is breaking. Our marriage is in serious trouble and if you have any hope of saving it, I need to hear in the next few days what you think we can do about it, including recovery from substance abuse. <p>Regardless of your decision, I wish you the very best.<p>Love, <p>D.<p>
PS: Since there are decisions that need to be made right now, I want to let you know my feelings about (Our Business). My heart is not in it based on what is going on with us and your use of cocaine. I know that you can pull off just about anything straight, but I don’t feel the same way with you using. I just want to get out with the least amount of damage. If you decide you want to continue with another partner, then that can be arranged. <p>
<p>
God Bless, <p>D.

WillGetThru ~<p>You will "get through" this. And you are right, your marital problems are not really about unmet needs - well, they are, but not reasonable unmet needs. The needs of a substance abuser are not reasonable and you can not possibly hope to meet them.<p>Do you attend a 12 step program for yourself? I think that is your best possible answer for recovery for you.<p>I do hope you are very clear on what your plan is. Honestly, losing you will probably not be his bottom. And hitting bottom is what it will take before he seeks out recovery for himself. If you are writing this letter to somehow get his attention and get him to engage in saving your marriage; I can almost promise you that it will not have the desired effect.<p>His substance abuse is causing harm to you and your family - serious financial harm. At this point, I think your best choice is to file for divorce to protect yourself financially. It doesn't mean that you can't hope for reconciliation one day if he gets help...but for now you MUST take care of yourself and your kids. You can not save him, and throwing yourself away after him will not serve your responsiblity to your children.

When there is substance abuse or domestic violence 'all bets are off'. You can't help each other with the drugs standing in the way. Take care of yourself and your kids and move on with your life.

WGTT:
Very sorry to see things have reached this point, but the others are right, you must extricate yourself from this madness and protect yourself.<p>The only thing I can suggest as far as the letter is removing the "(not what you did)" from this phrase:<p>...I loved you deep down inside (not what you did). <p>There's no need, I think, at this point to point that out. The rest of the letters, and his actions clearly show this in a less accusatory way.<p>Best of luck; you have done more and for much longer than anyone could be expected to do.

Hi WGTT,<p>Your letter was real touching. I don't have much to add and knowing that BR is here helping is good. <p>I just wanted you to know that I will keep you in my prayers. Protection of yourself and family is important. Sometimes our priorities have to change to survive. <p>U have a good head on your shoulders. Sometimes letting go is part of the healing. <p>take care,
L.

WGTT, I really relate to your pain. My STBXH is also a substance abuser. We also have a business together, though his involvement began to wane when the substance abuse began again 3.5 years ago and he has not been involved much at all since the PA began 1.5 years ago. We've been together since 1982.<p>I agree with BR. The most valuable thing I've done for myself in the last year is to get back involved with Al-Anon. I don't think I could have survived this without it. <p>I have made the decision to move on. Fortunately for me the business is surviving. At first I didn't think I was interested in running the business alone. It seemed overwhelming. But now that I've been doing it virtually alone, I realize I can do it. The question now is, can I buy him out. That still remains to be seen. I am also faced with selling our "dream house." <p>I have lost a lot in this process but hopefully regained myself. BR is so right when she says the real issue at this point is not about unmet needs. As she says his needs as a substance abuser are not reasonable and usually are meant to manipulate you into taking responsibility for his behavior.<p>The letter will let him know you're still emotionally involved with him. It probably won't make him reconsider his behavior. He will only "listen" to your actions, not your words -- and you should do the same where he's concerned. Substance abusers are great at saying the "right" words but never acting on them. As my H told me during a long period of sobriety, the way to tell when an alcoholic/addict is lying is when his lips are moving. <p>Take care and good luck.

BR<,<p>Thanks so much for your response. I respect what you have to say.<p>In reality I have come to the place that I have accepted this M is over and that WH needs help for his substance abuse and that he must want help and be willing to continue with a recovery program consistenlty. I was doing the letter kind of like a courtesy almost (?) Or something for him to look back on & realize what he had {?)<p>In giving him the chance to respond, I know he won't take it. Or something worse could happen, that he would try to do what it takes to get me back, then go on his "merry" way as he only seems to want something when he can't have it.<p>I do attend a 12 step program, AA for 10 years. But I can see that I need to go to alanon. There are issues in me that have kept me intertwined with someone incapable of love even for himself.<p>Business is in financial ruins right now & attorney & BIL suggested that I wait a little bit to help get back on track. I can do that if I get out of here & go back to Florida where my support is, meanwhile protecting me & the kids.<p> I do need to come up with a plan & the DV board has given me some suggestions. Things have been insane & I know that I don't want to live this way anymore. I have hit a bottom of sorts. <p>mgm BIL said the same thing. He was amazed that I stayed this long. Not sure why I did either.<p>
Spacecase,<p>You are right, this is madness. It seems so tangled up right now. I may not send this letter as it isn't how I really feel. I just want to get away from the craziness<p>Orchid,<p>Thanks once again for your response.
Sometimes letting go is part of the healing. It is, but it's so hard to do... I have a feeling when this is behind me I'll wonder what took me so long.<p>Your prayers are very much appreciated.<p>LetsTry,<p>The pain hurts, yet I know I can't go forward without being willing to go thru it. I have been sober for 10 years myself & have grown to someone and changed & WH didn't.<p>The financial issues scare me the most right now & so will protect myself but not confront him about the M (or lack of it) till I get a plan. <p>The substance abuse blindsided me this time. I guess i hadn't spent enough time around him to see it. I will go to Alanon.<p>It's late & I thank all for your responses. Have a load of things to do tomorrow, must are not fun ones. <p>God Bless,<p>D.<p>[ June 23, 2002: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</p>

WGTT:<p>Not knowing more about your R, such as it is, I do wonder about the wisdom of telling your H that you plan to get out of the business, before actually doing it. Could he cause financial harm with this knowledge? Would he? Only you would know. I agree that he probably won't be woken up by this letter, and so I wonder if you ought to just file and THEN see if he wakes up. But waking up will require getting help for his substance abuse.<p>Hang in there, you sound like an incredibly caring mother!

2long,<p>I've already decided not to send this letter. It helps to get other perspectives from this board. <p>Right now WH is fairly co-operative becos he wants something. I think if I told him now that it would backfire on me (and the kids). The business is unraveling at a fast pace so I may not even have to say anything, it will happen itself. <p>It's been a challenge to stay ahead of WH, we have so many bank accounts & ways to get get $. I thought that I had some money safe in one of the business accounts & found out he has my debit card! So I cancelled the card and will have them ship me a new one. <p>It is hard not to say anything, I am staying with Mom & my sister (that's enough to drive me crazy!)I told my sister that we are having severe problems but not the specifics. <p>There are sooooooo many details to be worked out that every morning I get up with a list that longer than the day. This will pass. <p>Thanks for the post.<p>God Bless,
D.